bucket list || l. norris

thirty five

* i can only apologise for my continued lack of updates. i really am so sorry. i've been working hard to get more written for you, but sometimes, it is difficult. if you're still waiting for these updates and reading them as soon as they come out, thank you. the amount of reads i have on this story is just absolutely mind-blowing. it means so much to me and i hope you will continue to read and love bucket list just as much as i love writing it. i will always be working on chapters, just please accept my apology for the long wait between them. nevertheless, i hope you enjoy this one. don't forget to comment throughout and vote before you leave! thank you for everything. *

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Don't let go.

Don't do it, Mila.

"Open your eyes," I can hear his voice so loud and clear, and I can feel his hand wrapping around my slim fingers. He squeezes my hand. Tight. Then someone places their index and middle finger to my neck, just below my jaw. "Just wake up. Come back to me."

I'm falling and there's nothing I can do about it. Everything is black and I'm surrounded by this never ending hole that is somewhat enticing, its suction pulls me towards the centre, like it wants me to say hello. But I just want it to be a passing visit, nothing permanent. I can't pull myself out of this.

I feel weak. Despite the pressure on the centre of my chest and my ribs, I can't feel anything. But I can hear his voice, and he sounds scared. I want to come back to him. I want to open my eyes and see his face, even though I think he is crying. I just want to reassure him.

We came to the MTC for work, not for this. I didn't come here to die.

"Mila," he shakes my shoulders. I'm gasping for air. "I'm here. Mila? Wake up."

I sat up with tears stinging in my eyes and a burning feeling in my throat, Lando right by my side and sitting with his legs crossed. I looked at him and shook my head, unable to open my mouth to speak because I felt like I was about to throw up. Without even touching him, I rushed away from the bed and into the en-suite, dropping to the floor and lifting the lid of the toilet.

Tears began to pour down my face as I realised what was happening to me. The nightmares were creeping back into my head, wanting to haunt me. Although I felt occupied with work and my boyfriend, my subconscious clearly still wanted to play tricks with me by reminding me about my potential fate. I thought I was over this.

"Hey," over the sound of me retching into the toilet bowl, I heard Lando's soothing voice as he sat beside me and immediately placed a reassuring hand on my back. "I've got you. Let me get you a cold towel, you're burning up. I'll open the window."

Lando took such good care of me and I didn't really deserve it. He reminded me that I did, and that I even deserved more than him, but it was just untrue. I didn't deserve him at all.

"It's going to be okay," after dampening a flannel, Lando placed it on the nape of my neck to lower my raging body temperature. He sat beside me again, his hand moving to my back once more, and I appreciated the breeze which blew in through the crack in the window. "What's brought this on?"

Usually, my answer would be 'I don't know', but my dream was so vivid that I knew exactly what was going on in my head. I was dreaming about dying. I felt it. I felt myself slipping away while someone was fighting to keep me alive, and I wasn't sure whether that someone was Lando or not. All I knew was that I heard him crying. It was so clear in my head and I could hear those words, the way he begged me to wake up. It all felt so real to me.