Don't Hurt Me

Chapter 28

What would Alex say if I told her?

Probably what any other normal person would say - any normal person who doesn't know what it's like to have a fucked-up family would. 'Talk'.

Notice how that's everyone's solution to problems? To talk things out with all parties involved? That doesn't always work, does it? Look at my mom. Talking to her's like talking to a wall. And my father? He speaks with his fists.

I have the feeling Alex would encourage me to admit everything to my father. She doesn't understand how mad he would be if I did that. She doesn't know what he would do.

Right after the pointless talk with my Mom, I run out again. I yell to Alex and her mother that I'm going out, no explanations where. I tell thirteen-year-old Justin that I'm going to borrow his bike, but he's too busy playing video games to care.

It takes me longer than usual to get to Toledo, going there from Alex's place. The sun is setting, the sky a gray landscape above me as I careen to a stop beneath his building.

This time, Josh is home. I greet Mr. and Mrs. Grier (the swan puzzle is long finished. Now he's starting on one of yachts bobbing on an ocean), then go with Josh to get some privacy.

I feel so familiar with his room now that I plant myself on his unmade bed, staring at the once-white, scuffed up carpet at our feet.

Josh stands in front of me, although all I can see of him are his dark Levi's. "Clare," he starts, rubbing the base of his neck. "Is everything OK?"

"I'm sorry," I voice, shaking my head. "Everything's just going so crazy."

He moves. He sits next to me. His hand grips my shoulder, long, slim fingers grasping muscle. "Tell me."

I explain about my father and the investigator, and about how my brothers are at odds about what to do. "This is so screwed up. I mean, I'm fifteen for God's sake! I should be worrying about school and grades, not my stupid parents." I roll my eyes to the peeling ceiling, cursing fluently. "He's going to find out the truth eventually. Either way, we're screwed."

"Maybe you should tell him," Josh surprises me with the quickness of his decision. "He'll get over being angry. The money you can't get back."

"But my mom told me to keep quiet."

He shrugs. "Well, she'll get over it too. All of this hiding and stuff is just stupid. I'm no family expert, but everything's going to come out in the open sooner or later, right? I say do it now and just get it over with."

I fall silent, mulling over his words. After speaking to Mom, I was leaning towards Sam's side of not wanting to say a word. But what Josh is saying makes a lot of sense too.

"Ugh," I mutter, jumping to my feet. "I don't know. I don't know what to do."

Josh smiles, tilting his head at me cutely.

"Don't you hate me for barging in on you like this and whining about my life?"

"No." He sounds like he means it. "I don't mind. I want to help, remember?"

"Yeah. Somehow, you seem like the only person who understands."

"I do," he agrees quietly. He gets up, coming forward and enveloping me in a tight hug. I am pressed against him, his chest, his arms gripping my back. I can smell his hair, the soft cotton of his shirt.

I shut my eyes, leaning my cheek on his shoulder. We stay like that for a long time, in a world that is ours and ours alone. I forget it all for a moment. Erin. Alex. My family. Life.