Don't Hurt Me

Chapter 25

There are times we do things and we don't know why we do them. Actions based on our sub-conscious. Words emerging from something deep inside us. Emotions we don't understand.

I sit on the hood of Josh's car, getting out my tears. We haven't left Callville, but we're on the outskirts, stopped on a farm road. There's no one around except some cows grazing in the distance. Josh stands next to me, looking like he wishes he knew what to do.

"Hey ... come on." He lays a hand on my shoulder, then stretches his arm round my back when I don't push him away. "It's OK."

I wipe my cheeks, shaking my head fiercely. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to leave."

Josh blinks at me, confused.

"We were supposed to kick Dad out. Then it would be just her, me and my brothers. We'd take care of ourselves, and we'd never have to see him ever again."

"You really hate him that much?"

"Yes. I hate him. We all hate him." I feel like I'm babbling, but I can't help it. Josh smiles gently, rubbing my back in circles, the motion calming me.

"All my life, I wished we could somehow get rid of him. I wanted him to die, to walk out, find somebody else."

"You're not serious."

"I am. We don't need him. We don't want him. He's never really been a father, and he and my mom don't get along anymore." I jump off the car, pulling my sleeve over my eyes before throwing my hands up. "God. I don't know why I'm even telling you this."

"I don't know why you didn't tell me sooner," he says, a frown coming over his face.

"It's not your problem, Josh. It's mine."

"You should be able to tell me anything."

"I don't like dumping my problems on other people."

"Please, dump them on me. I want to help." He takes hold of both my shoulders, squeezing reassuringly. "OK?"

"OK."

"Alright. So ... what do you want to do now?"

"There's nothing else we can do. Let's just go home."

Josh eyes me for a moment, looking like he has something on his mind. "Clare, wait."

"What?"

"Tell you what. How about you drive?"

I feel my brows kick up. "What?"

"Yeah." He points to the driver's door. "But just for a little while, OK?"

I blink up at him, a shadow of a smile coming to my lips. "OK." I go round to the driver's side, climbing in. It's weird, me taking Josh's place, him sitting in mine. I glance at him for a moment, biting my lip. I start the engine, marveling at the way it roars to my life at my fingers.

Josh hurriedly puts on his seat belt, and I give him a dirty look.

"What?" he says innocently.

I step on the gas, and we both lurch forward.

"Whoa! Geez, ease up, Clare!"

I lift my foot slightly, keeping a soft, steady pressure on the accelerator. The car cruises down the straight stretch, short white lines disappearing below us. "This is awesome!"

"You're only going twenty miles an hour."

"Oh, yeah?" I press my foot down hard, and we shoot forward.

"Hey, don't! Stop!"

I just laugh, pulling on the steering wheel for fun, even though there are no turns. We slide onto the grass, bumping over rough, uneven ground.

"Oh, shit!" Josh yelps, both hands gripping the dashboard. "This isn't funny, Clare! Get back on the road!"

I ignore him, turning round and round on the field. The cows start running in alarm, really just black-and-white blobs to me, and I laugh so hard, my stomach hurts.

We see somebody running out of a little house - the farmer, I suppose - and he waves his arms like a madman, shouting and pointing at the road.

"Aww, man. Same people can't stand a little fun." I get back on the road, putting my foot on the brakes. We're at a standstill now. The engine purrs, waiting eagerly. I look at Josh. He's practically molded himself to his seat, his arms stiff and straight out before him, white-knuckled on the dash.

Slowly, his eyes meet mine. "Remind me never to let you touch my car again."

I get out, returning to the passenger's side. "Men love their cars, don't they?"

"We also love our lives."

As we head back with Josh behind the wheel this time, I realize that that crazy little stunt actually helped to make me feel better. It made me forget everything, if only for a while, and I owe that to Josh. He cheered me up when I didn't even think it was possible.

"That was fun," I say to him.

"Yeah, for you."

"No, it helped, Josh," I tell him in a serious voice. "Thank you."

"Ah. Well, that's what I was hoping for. Not for you to go off the road and start targeting cows."

"I was just fooling around." I shift, tucking my legs under me. As I think about it, I realize just how much he's done for me. He woke up crazy early that first day to meet me, agreed to drive me all the way up to Gran's with almost no questions asked, and throughout everything, put up with my mood swings.

Josh didn't have to go with me. He could have stayed home with his grandparents, comfortable, uninvolved in my hell of a life.

But he chose to help me. I hated him after our kiss, after I realized he wasn't going to do anything radical like break up with Erin to be with me. But it isn't so strong anymore now, after what we've been through.

"Thanks, Josh. You know. For everything."

"It was nothing."

"Nothing? You put up with all sorts of crap on this trip. And not to mention the trouble you and I could get into."

He picks up on the worried tone of my voice. He reaches out with one hand, nudging me just under my chin. "Chin up. Don't worry. If we get through this, I'm sure we can handle whatever comes later."

"I guess."

"Besides, how often in your life do you get a chance do something like this, right?"

I mull over that for a moment. He's right. A wild road trip with your crush? Maybe even Erin will never get to do this kind of thing with him, and that's a pretty interesting thought.

But now I can't help but wonder - what will be waiting for me when I get home?