Don't Hurt Me

Chapter 11

As quickly as Christmas vacation began, it's over.

The days are still chilly, bringing nasty winds, but kids go back to DHS all the same. At least school is distraction for me, and probably for my brothers too. If only we could forget about our father sitting at home while everyone else goes about their life.

I overhear my parents arguing again in the living room one night. I decide to take the risk, carefully peeking round the doorway.

"Come on, Gav," Mom pleads. She has a set of newspapers in her hand. "Just take a look."

"Later."

"Later?? You can't just ignore this! We've got bills to pay! What do you expect me to do?"

He doesn't answer her. He doesn't even look at her. My mother waits a minute, hoping for something, anything. But he just sits there like a stone, so she gives up, walking out. She doesn't pay any attention to me as she disappears into the kitchen.

As for me, I stand there, feeling numb. Everything feels so wrong. I want to go into the living room, shake my father by the shoulders and tell him he makes me sick. I want to go into the kitchen and comfort my mother. Tell her I understand, that she's not alone.

But I do neither of these things. I don't know why. I guess it's just easier. I head up to my room, holing myself up, putting walls between myself and them. When I come down later to get something to drink, my mother is gone. I spot the newspaper she had before on the kitchen table, and lean over to take a look. Classifieds. A few job ads have been circled in alarming red.

My eyes run over the titles - secretary, waitress ....

Wait a minute. These aren't for Dad. Mom must have circled these ... for herself? She's trying to find a job? But she's been a stay-at-home mom ever since she had Sam. She must be desperate, meaning things are that bad.

I scowl at the newspaper hatefully. This is not fair. She's not the one who's supposed to be looking for a job. Dad is. Damn him.

Forgetting my drink, I run out of the kitchen, going back to my room. This family is falling apart, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

---

Friday. The best day of the week.

Sitting on the school's front steps, I breathe ice while I wait for my brothers to emerge. Kids hurtle past me, talking about plans, dates, parties. I hear a few freshman girls mention something about a sleepover.

I put one hand under my chin, thinking back to when Alex and I used to have sleepovers as little girls. Well, she had sleepovers. I never invited her or anyone else to my house, for obvious reasons.

"Clare?"

I whirl round, expecting Sam or Rob, but knowing full well the voice doesn't belong to either of my brothers. "Josh." I get to my feet, nervously adjusting my hair. "Hey."

"How was your New Year?" his words come out in a whorls of white.

"New Year?"

"Didn't you go to any parties?"

I waver for a minute. New Year's. Right. What was I doing the moment we left the shitty year behind us? I believe I was looking for Santa because he'd gotten lost. "Actually, I just stayed home."

"Oh?" He looks surprised, and I wonder if he's thinking about the night he found me wandering around Toledo Avenue.

"What about you?" I ask.

"I was out till four in the morning. My folks had a fit."

I crack a tight smile. That's just great. I must sound like such a dork to him now. He's about to say something else when a third voice interrupts us.

"Josh?" a girl's voice catches his attention. "Ready to go?"

I recognize her. She's a freshman, like me. Small. Pretty. Waves of long, thick hair that can't be naturally blonde. Confused, I look back at Josh, and my eyes widen when I see the smile he has for that girl. The smile I thought was only for me.

"Yeah, Erin. Just a minute. Umm ... this is Clare."

"Clare Conroy?" She looks at me, eyes wide. "The girl who punched Derek Hughes?"

"Um, yeah," I answer through gritted teeth.

"That was ... really something."

"You were there?"

"No, but I heard all about it. People couldn't stop talking about it for days."

"Yeah, it was pretty crazy."

"Anyway. I'm Erin O' Keefe. It's nice to meet you, Clare."

She's being awfully nice to someone she probably thinks is crazy and violent. "Nice to meet you too."

Erin cocks her head at Josh. "OK. I guess we'd better go?"

Josh isn't looking at her though. He's staring at me, while I'm staring at the grass.

"Josh?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. Clare, I'll see you around, OK?"

I nod stiffly. As soon as their backs have turned, I raise my head to look at them. They're heading off together towards the parking lot. Pretty Erin is winding her arm around his.

A girlfriend.

I should have known.