2.2 Someone to you | ✔

2 | Love myself

There had been a time in my life that I felt free. That everything was so good in my life that I was the happiest person walking around. I had no worries. "Kennedy, if you don't get your ass out of your bed now, I am going to murder you." Jolyn had decided in her first year that she only would have afternoon classes. She loves sleeping and waking up early in the morning is a disaster for her. And that is why she is screaming at me now.

"You need to wake up for your classes, Kennedy." Groaning, I get out of my bed with the biggest headache ever. I had no idea how I will survive the rest of the day but it will get better. I will just go through the day like I always do. "I am wide awake because of you. You know how much I hate waking up early." Jolyn leans her head at my doorframe with her oversized shirt covering her petite body.

She hates waking up early but during the first days of my break-up, she slept in my bedroom. She spent whole nights holding me tight in her arms while I cried my eyes. Or when I doubted the way I was doing things in my life because I felt like I was not good enough. She is the most amazing friend that I have ever had in my life and she didn't even realize that. She never believed me when I told her that.

"I need you to make me breakfast now." She starts to pull me off my bed while I keep groaning at her. I really don't want to leave my bed and spend my first class with Josh who tries to act normal around me. He wants us to become friends again and act like all the cheating didn't happen. But I couldn't act like he didn't lie to me for months. I just couldn't do that. "I can make you some eggs if that is what you want?"

Jolyn starts to beam with excitement when I get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen. I know that I have to go to class and sit through two hours of torture but it is better to just get it over with than acting like he doesn't exist. "Have I ever told you before how amazing you are? I should really just marry you instead of going on stupid dates with idiots."

Jolyn has no luck when it comes to dating guys. She had this friend with benefits relationship for a few weeks but the guy caught feelings for another girl and he left. Another time, she just went on dates with some guys but they all were douchebags, that are her exact words. She just hasn't found the right guy to date but I guess all of that will change once she will go out on that date with Joey. He really likes her and I am sure he will accept all her rules and flaws.

"Joey isn't an idiot." She starts to blush and I really hope that he won't mess it up. I want Jolyn to be happy and find some good guy that will treat her right. I want her to finally smile at a guy and it needs to be real. "I just don't want my hopes to be high because that makes falling way harder. I just want to find a good guy, Kennedy. That isn't too much ask right?"

"It for sure isn't. And you deserve someone good." I hand her the eggs and start to make my way back to my room. I have no time to go through my full routine but I really don't care anymore. I start to pull on my jeans and take a simple flower shirt that I find in my closet. I had decided to dress a bit cuter than normal since I am back on the market.

With Josh, I forgot all about dressing up cute when we were in a relationship. It didn't take long for him to take off my clothes whenever we were together so I really didn't bother with dressing up anymore. I just didn't want him to rip one of my dresses or wear something that cute that he won't even acknowledge that I have on. He never really gave me a compliment whenever I did try to look good.

"You deserve someone good too, Kennedy. I hope you know that." She helps me with my hair, which looks like a mess after a long night of sleep. The curls are everywhere but she made sure that it was all in one messy bun that looked presentable. "Will you promise me to never forget your worth anymore? I don't want you to change yourself because of some guy in your life."

Jolyn had told me multiple times during my relationship that I had changed. That I no longer cared about looking good for myself but that I did everything for Josh. I didn't want to believe her at that moment but now I do. I can guess all the times that I had changed in something else because Josh would like it better on me. Or he wouldn't get mad at me for dressing up so short around his friends. I did every single thing for him.

"I promise." She kisses my cheek before handing me my bag with all my stuff. Jolyn has been the best friend I could ask for during the break-up. She made sure that I always felt good when all I wanted to do was lock myself in my room and never leave it again. She made sure that I ate and went to my classes because he was not worth it. He shouldn't be the reason that I change my whole life plan because he decided to lie to me.

"Never forget your worth, Kennedy. Not for a man at least." I had promised myself the third week of me crying that I would never let a guy define me anymore. I am my own damn self and it is hard to love myself again but it is not impossible. I know that the road will be long but it all will be worth it in the end. I will finally love myself again.

***

"Are you going to keep ignoring me? I really think we should talk about it, Kenny." Josh holds my wrist so tight in his hand that I couldn't run away from him. He doesn't let go of me and I want to shout at him but I just can't. "I really don't know what we should talk about, Josh. And stop calling me that, we are no longer friends."

"I just want to apologize for everything I did to you. I really messed it all up." I had no idea what I should be doing to get rid of him. Every single person passed by and didn't even blink at us, everyone got used to us spending more time outside class before going inside. We did that all the time when we dated, we spend so much time talking with each other before we entered the class together. "I really don't want to hear your lies anymore, Josh."

"I am not fucking lying to you, Kennedy. It just kind of all happened with Leah. We spend time together without you and it all just happened." I smile at the professor passing by, but I know that it isn't a genuine one. I could no longer smile brightly when I am around Josh. He once gave me butterflies but now all I feel for him is the cold. I feel nothing for him anymore, not even anger. "And I don't care about that anymore. I just want to move on without the two of you. That is all I am asking from you now, just let me go."

Josh isn't the kind of guy that gives up on things easily. It was once a thing that I loved about him but now, I just want to punch him. I never believed people when they said that love makes you blind, but it does. I realize that now. "I just want us to be friends again. I miss the three of us hanging out together and doing stupid things." I start to laugh at him, and I think that I might seem crazy to people now.

"You want us back to normal? Do you know what you are asking for, Josh?" He looks confused at me and I just keep on laughing at him. "I don't think you realize how much you fucked everything up for our friendship to last. I don't want to be friends with you guys anymore. I just want to smile at you when I pass by but that is it."

"I don't want that." He starts to push me to the wall behind me and I feel suffocated. Once I begged him to be more dominant in our relationship but now I want to kick him in his balls. So that is what I do and I don't regret it. "You need to realize that you no longer own me, Josh. Go back to your girlfriend who you love so much. I don't want anything to do with you." I step over him and make my way into the classroom as nothing happened.

As I promised Jolyn in the morning, a man will no longer define me. I am going to find myself again before I will get myself on the market again. I don't want to get back into a relationship that suffocates me. I deserve someone that loves me for me.