Everything I'm supposed to hate • Harry J. Potter •

21

You closed your eyes and prepared yourself to do what you should have done months ago...

"Theo." Your voice was barely above a whisper.

Theo mumbled incoherently as he sucked on your collarbone.

"Theo," you said again, firmer than before.

"Yes, love?" His lips were still pressed against your skin.

"Theo stop it!" You cried, pushing him away by his shoulders.

He scrambled backward, looking alarmed. "What? What's wrong? Did I hurt you? Did I do somethi--"

"No," you shook your head, burying your face in your hands so he couldn't see the tears beginning to fall. "Godric, no."

Theo reached out and touched your knee gently. "Then what is it, love?"

You jerked away from his touch and jumped off the bed. "Don't. I can't--"

Your voice cracked as you stepped into your discarded underwear and looked around for your uniform.

"Y/n, what's wrong?" Theo implored.

You held your hand in your hands and shook it fiercely, giving up on trying to find your uniform. Instead, you rummaged through Theo's dresser to find the spare nightgown he kept in his room for you. It would have to do for now, though you didn't think you'd have time to grab and assemble your uniform after Theo slammed the door in your face.

You wiped the tears springing from your eyes quickly. This wasn't about how you felt. You needed to apologize to Theo, not let your own feelings get in the way.

"I can't do this anymore, Theo," you whispered. You had your back to him, leaning your forearms on his dresser so your legs didn't collapse out from under you.

"What--what do you mean?"

"I mean I can't keep pretending. I can't keep leading you on." You kept going, staring at the dark wood beneath your fingertips. If you stopped now you weren't sure you would ever get out what you really needed to say. "You're the best guy I've ever been with. You care about me so much, you do anything I ask just so I'm comfortable, you never push me to do anything I don't want to. You're perfect. You're so unbelievably perfect!"

"And I've been horrible. Merlin I've been so horrible. You should hate me. For the rest of my life and yours, you should hate me. And--"

"How could I ever hate you?" Theo asked.

You shook your head furiously, feeling tear drops fall from your cheeks despite yourself. "No. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. Don't try to make it seem like I haven't done anything. Because I have. I've done something so disgusting I couldn't even admit until now."

You could tell by the silence filling the room that Theo was finally hearing you. The silence hung thick in the air, almost suffocating you.

Your next words were choked out in pure hatred for yourself.

"I used you, Theo. Godric, I fucking used you to make myself forget about somebody else. I'm the shittiest person on the planet for doing that. You were nothing but good to me and I used you. I want to tell you how sorry I am--and I know it doesn't even begin to make up for what I did, but I really am. I'm so, so sorry."

Shakily, you turned around to face him, still sitting on the bed. He'd put his boxers and sweatpants on at some point.

You were waiting for him to scream at you or throw something or punch the wall. Anything. Anything was better than this. He just stared at you with something in his eyes you couldn't understand.

"I love you."

You couldn't hold back your loud sobs any longer. Somehow, you managed to stumble over to him, sinking onto your knees in front of him at the edge of his bed.

"Theo, you don't love me," you cried. "How could you love someone who did something so horrible to you? Just say you hate me. Please! I'm begging you, say you hate me!"

"I love you," Theo repeated firmly. "You can--," his voice faltered from above you, "you can learn to love me, can't you? I'll wait for you. I swear I will."

His words only made you sob harder burying your face into one of his knees. "Can't you see, Theo? You deserve so much better than me! You deserve someone who loves you just as much as you love them. I can't--I can't return your feelings. Believe me, I want to. I want to so badly. I've tried so fucking hard. I should love you. I should but I can't and I don't know why.

"Please, please, just say you hate me. You deserve to be furious, to hate me. I deserve to be hated by you."

Theo was silent and you risked a peek up at him. His features were blurred by your tears, but even if your vision had been clear, you wouldn't have been able to read his expression.

"Who is he?"

"W--what?" You stuttered, hurriedly wiping tears from your eyes and smudging your already ruined mascara even more.

Theo's voice was barely a whisper. "Who's the other guy you were trying to--to distract yourself from?"

You didn't know if you could say it out loud. But Theo deserved the truth.