Holding On and Letting Go

Fix You

Leo was sitting at the table eating his roasted chicken, alone. He didn't really have appetite lately, so he just kept on pricking the meat with the fork until it looked more like baby food than a normal chicken.

It's been a few days sinsce his kiss with Neymar, and they haven't talked to each other ever since then. But it wasn't Leo's fault, it was Neymar who avoided him too, but they both needed time to process what happened and to sort of forget about it, because they both knew that it could never ever happen again.

Leo decided to not tell Anto about the kiss. He wanted to, but he never got the chance, and when he did he kinda got scared, so at the end he thought that it's better if she doesn't know about it at all.

Neymar was working on a way to forget and move on, and he kinda found it when he partied with his friends or organized poker parties or just hung out with someone, but it's always been hard when he stayed alone. He didn't tell it to anyone and he sure couldn't face Leo and be like „hey I kissed you on the mouth but we're bros give me a high five”. Just no. He thought he was way too immature and overreacting, after all it was just a kiss, they are going to fix their friendship and everything can go on like it did before.

Leo wanted to fix it too, he missed Neymar's silly jokes and even more silly laugh, and his adoration towards him but even just his company, him being beside him all the time.

But he just didn't know how to prove Neymar that he was okay with all that, that he wanted to remain his friend even thought he knew that it wouldn't be the same like it was before. But maybe it could get even better, you never know.

They were having a match against Villarreal, and Neymar seemed very tired, nothing seemed to be working out for him, his passes weren't accurate, his dribbles weren't successful and of course he was afraid of passing to Leo, which he regretted later a thousand times, because he shouldn't bring his private life into his job.

Leo saw that Neymar was struggling and he wanted to do something to help him, just like always, he remembered that he promised to take care of and make sure he feels good at the team no matter what.

So when they were already leading by 3-1, and they got a penalty, Leo whispered in Neymar's ear to take the penalty. Neymar barely believed that Leo actually wanted him to do that, so he obviously got all shaky and nervous. He was ready to score the 4th, to give something to the team that can give us a secure place in the Copa Del Rey final. But when he heard the whistle and he kicked the ball...

It landed in the goalkeeper's hand. And Neymar felt like he couldn't breathe, that the ground could just open and he would fall in it and that would be the only place he could be safe at. He felt so dissappointed in himself. It was so special. Leo never gave the penalty to anyone else, and it proved Neymar that he was still important to him, and he fucking missed it. What a disgrace.

Leo wasn't really interested in the fact that they weren't leading with more goals than 3, but he felt really worried about Neymar, when he saw him looking like he was in a lot of pain. He wanted to make him feel better, and to tell him it was all okay, but it was literally impossible, they still had to play even thought everyone, even the opponent players felt like it was time for the game to end.

When Leo stepped into the dressing room all he saw was Neymar sitting at his seat burying his head in his hands. Leo knew very well what he felt, he had gone throught this. The same happened to him many years ago. He got a chance to score but he couldn't. And he didn't see Neymar as someone he should be mad at, or someone he didn't want to talk to anymore, but he saw himself in him. The same indomitable but at the same time very vulnerable young man, sitting at his seat, regretting all of his life choices he's ever made.

The other teammates were trying to cheer Neymar up too, but they weren't stupid, they knew about the deep connection between Leo and Neymar, and they knew that all Neymar needed in that very moment was Leo. Leo sat down next to him, with his legs between the two seats turning completely to Neymar, and now it was only them in their own little world. Leo didn't really know where to start, he was never good at comforting people, but his presence was always comforting enough not just for Neymar, but for everyone.

Neymar already felt without looking up for a moment, that Leo was the one who was sitting next to him, his body always reacted very ardently, his heart was beating faster and his palms were sweating. But he couldn't say that Leo being there was helpful, it just made him feel even worse, because Leo gave him the opportunity to score, and he was person he kissed a few days ago.

„Neymar...” – Leo started. Neymar didn't react, didn't even move, but Leo knew he was listening, so he continued.

„I know you think that what you did, or more correctly you didn't do was inexcusable, but look at the result: we won. And we will need you and your confidence to win the next game too.”

Neymar still didn't move, he wanted to know where Leo was going with his little speech.

„Look... I gave you that penalty because I wanted you to feel better. Maybe it was my fault, I should have known that you were feeling tired. But please, don't blame yourself, nothing happened, it was just one bad game, let's forget it as quickly as we can. No one thinks you did something wrong. I know, because the same happened to me many years ago. But I didn't let it to ruin my confidence and see where I am now. I am the number one penalty kicker. And you will be too once.” – Leo sightly laughed while remembering his past mistakes. He saw that Neymar was still not reacting so he wanted to stand up, but Neymar finally lifted his head up, and looked at him, with a bitter half-smile curving on his lips.

„I know. I know I can get better. It's just... so damn hard. I know that everyone will be talking about it. But I will be okay.” - he said, and suddenly he remembered that they still had something to discuss.

„I thought you were mad at me about the k-...” – he put his hand to his mouth and frightenedly looked around. No one else was listening, except Leo of course. „About you know what. I know that you didn't want that, and I swear I didn't want that either, it was only a moment of weakness, we both were so upset and I wanted it to change, and what I told you... just forget it please, I just want you to be happy whether it contains spending time with me or not. And I'm not surprised if you don't ever want to talk to me anymore, I understand.”

Leo sighed. Neymar was so wrong about that. He took Neymar's hand in his, and looked at it, playing with his fingers. Neymar let him to do it.

„I am not mad at you, Neymar. I know that it will never happen again, and it would be a pity if such a thing ruined our friendship. Let's just forget it, okay?”

Neymar nodded. What else could he do. He was actually happy that Leo was okay with all of that.

This time Leo actually stood up to leave, but once again he looked around to see if anyone is watching, and when he realized that the asnwer is still „no”, he bend down and gave a small peck on Neymar's forehead.

It wasn't romantic at all,it was more like a friendly gesture, but it meant the world to Neymar.