Ivy Cordelia Boarding School

Chapter Thirty-Four

s.

As soon as my dad turns the engine of the car off, my stomach fills with dread. I wasn't ready to be back here at all. But I wasn't going to run away from Ivy Cordelia any longer. Armani was an amazing part of my experience here, but he wasn't the only thing I loved about it.

Loved.

I admitted that fact to myself after the- and this is an accurate count- 56th time replaying his admission in my head as I tossed and turned in bed, during the wee hours of the morning. It was fast, yes, but time meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Why should I let a clock or a calendar decide how long it should take me to have opened my heart up to someone?

But I couldn't be with him. At least not yet, anyway. I didn't want the fact that I loved him to scare me in any way when I was finally ready to tell him. I didn't want to feel panicked when I thought about the fact that he made his way through all of my shields. I wanted to be filled with my own joy, and confidence in myself, before I got back into a relationship with him.

Somewhere over the years, I'd made the stupid decision that I didn't deserve to be loved. I had lost all of my self worth, giving my body away to any guy who approached me, because I was scared that they'd take it away from me if I didn't. I deemed myself ruined, the worlds views on a woman with multiple sexual partners, manifesting themselves into horrible thoughts about myself and who I was. Why should someone use me as anything other than a plaything to have fun with and discard as they saw fit, if I gave me away so willingly? 

And I couldn't escape that frame of mind.

I'd always second guess his love for me, if I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head. So, I would. For my sanity, more than anything else.

***

"Well, that was weird timing" my mom says, sliding her phone back into her purse after ending a call she'd taken. "The Dean says that she needs you in her office. Is everything okay? Should I come up with you?".

"I'm a big girl, mom. I can handle it myself. And if I can't, I'll make sure to call you" I promise, melting into her hug when she wraps her arms around me. 

"Okay, darling. I'll see you this weekend, then? You desperately need a hair do-over. And we both know how long it takes for us to get our hair done. Don't forget to wear your bonnet at night, okay? I love you".

I gasp, placing a hand on my heart dramatically.

"I would NEVER. That's a thought so horrible that even MY mind couldn't conjure it. See you this weekend, and I love you, too".

My dad opens the door of the car while my mom and I give each other cheek kisses, before I step out. She gets out on the other side, waiting by the passenger door for my dad to open it for her. 

"I'll see you later, sweetheart. I love you so much. Be GOOD" he says, pulling me into his arms and kissing me on the forehead. 

"I won't. Love you, too!".

I head straight to the Dean's office from there, and she pulls it open slightly, greeting me with a white-toothed smile. 

"Hi, sweetheart. You have...a couple of people here who are very worried about you. They've been hounding me about it all day. I couldn't be more glad that you're back".

She pulls the door open the rest of the way, revealing all of my friends standing there with worried expressions, as if they wouldn't believe that I was okay until they saw me.

I don't see the light of day for the next five minutes as all of them take their turns hugging me. Even Armani pulls me into a short embrace, and gives me a quick head kiss, before releasing me to the rest of the horde. 

In my moment of desperation and panic, I completely forgot that they'd be worried to wake up and see me gone. And I never turned my phone back on the entire time I was at home, in my need to distance myself from all things ICBS. 

"Can I talk to you...alone?" Nastassia asks from where she stood on the sidelines, awkwardly fiddling with the Newton's cradle on Yarby's desk.

"Of course. We can go up to my room. I need to drop this bag off there, anyway" I agree, curious as to what she needed to talk to me about. She didn't seem very interested in conversation when I offered it last night.

We head up to my room silently, with a promise to meet everyone in the DC as soon as I could, since they'd been too nervous to eat breakfast.

"What's up?" I ask, dropping my bag on the floor beside my bed. She closes the door behind her, looking around my room in slight awe.

"It seems so much larger in here now that there are two beds in my room. I should actually talk to the Dean about removing it now that Peyton's gone. Rest in peace, really, since she's dead to me".

I can't help but laugh at the matter-of-fact way that she says it.

Still, I can tell that she really doesn't mean it. She still loved her, and probably always would.

"So?".

"Right. I wanted to talk to you about Armani. Well, not about him, really. Why is it that so many of the problems that girls have are based around men? They're hot, I'll give them that, but so are we. Anyway, I WAS going to try and hook up with him after you told me that you guys broke up. He wouldn't have gone for it, obviously. Although I realized that AFTER I decided that I'd be making a horrible decision.  I've made a lot of those in my life".

"I just wanted to say that I see how you look out for me when I really need it. I appreciate it more than even I realized, before today. And...if you want...I'd really like to be friends. I made up with the twins, and although Peony and Taylor hates me, I believe that with your approval, they'd do so a little less".

I'm pretty sure I just saw a pig fly outside of the window with an obese woman singing on his back. 

"I'd love that".

"Good. Because I decided that if I put myself out there, and you didn't, neither of us would have left this room alive" she says, in such a serious tone that I don't doubt her statement.

"Well, I'm glad I made the right decision, then" I say with a laugh.

She grins.

"Me too".