𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 | 𝑩.𝑬

-chapter 12-

I miss the rest of today's lessons, not even attempting to work up the will.

Did I mess this up?

Is this all my fault?

I can't really tell anymore. I've been thinking about this for way too long.

So now I'm just waiting for Billie to come back to the dorm, staring absent-mindedly at the door.

I wrote today's entry in my diary and I think that's the only reason I haven't done anything crazy.

To be honest, I can't really tell what emotion I'm feeling right now.

Is it sad? Because I just lost my best friend, sad because I hurt her?

Angry with myself for not realising how I was leading her on? Angry with her for not trusting me enough to know that Billie's not who everyone thinks she is?

Worried because I fear what she said about Billie might be true?

I feel like my brain's screaming at me, trying to make sense of everything but only jumbling it further.

My stomach hurts but that probably because I haven't eaten today. I know that I should, but it just doesn't feel worth it.

It's like every part of myself is against me, making me feel weak and small. Lost, and confused.

I have my knees curled up to my chest, resting my arms on top of them and my chin on top of my arms.

It's like if I move, everything will be one to overwhelming for me and I'll crack.

More than the fracture I already have.

Whenever I felt like this, Chelssy would always comfort me, get me to see her side of things, the bright side.

And ever since I've been here, it has become Xanon.

But both those options are now out the window.

"Liliana?" I hear a cautious, soft voice ask.

I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't even notice Billie enter the room, despite me literally staring at the door.

"Hey." I whisper, not taking my chin of my arms.

"Are you okay? You seem really out of it."

I know I'm probably being really selfish and that Xanon has it much worse than I do but I can't help but pity myself. Being the bigger person just isn't me.

"Just a lot happened today and my head hurts." I mumble, sensing Billie's worried eyes on the side of my face.

"I get that." She sighs, leaning her head on my shoulder. "If it helps, I've got something that might cheer you up."

That peaks my interest.

I turn my head, tearing my gaze from the door. "What?"

Billie smiles, obviously happy at my sudden rise in interest.

"This." She says proudly, a small smile on her face as she places a big box on the bed, making the mattress creak under the weight.

"Billieeeeee." I groan, pouting my bottom lip out. "I told you I can't accept any more gifts."

It's almost embarrasing how much she's spoiling me.

"And I said fuck that." She laughs, making me cheer up slightly.

Fuck, I haven't even seen the presents yet and she's already cheering me up.

"I feel bad though." I say, pouting as I take another glance at the massive cardboard box on my bed.