What She Needs

19. Good Days

Good Days- SZA

A little more insight into Meredith's head, and the process she is going through!

MEREDITH GREY

Amelia and I have had many conversations since the fight. I've learnt a lot about her, and I've tried to be as honest with her as she is being with me. Amelia and Addison are going on 'sister dates' when Derek and I have a date night, so they can work out the kinks in their relationship. I was worried that I'd triggered Amelia as she had to go to a meeting, but she reassured me that she attends a meeting weekly anyway, and frequently goes to extra ones.

I've been feeling pretty low since our argument. My therapist says that depression often gets worse at the beginning of treatment, which I wasn't thrilled to hear. My sisters are now on a united front when it comes to food, meaning I can't run to Addie to escape dinner, and it is taking it's toll on me. I'm tired from all the anxiety.

Physically, I do feel stronger- definitely less dizzy, but it is counteracted by the impact of the anxiety. My muscles are constantly tense, meaning I am always achy, and my tummy still gets sore after eating, even though it has been almost three weeks since I got put on a meal plan.

I am seeing Dr Grace twice weekly too. That's another thing I'm finding tiring. Grace thinks my maladaptive coping strategies come down to clinical depression- a fog that she thinks has been surrounding my brain almost all my life, and that I've been so used to the feeling, that I didn't notice how bad things had gotten.

I can sort of see where she's coming from. I can't really remember a time, probably from adolescence really, where I didn't feel muted. Like all the colour in the world was dim, and all the sounds were muffled, and all my movements were slow. I didn't notice, and no-one around me did either, until Addie.

Grace and I are working on honouring emotions in my therapy sessions. I've been taking medication for three weeks, and I've yet to feel a real difference, but she said they're only there to treat the chemical imbalance, and that I still have to do the work in therapy to undo the years of apathy towards my feelings. We've started with anger, as the emotion that I should honour, seeing as it raised its head with Amelia.
My Mom was an angry woman, but not in a 'screaming and shouting' way- in a cold, harsh, uncaring way.  Recently, I am wondering if she had depression too.

Grace is helping me understand that I am allowed to be angry, and I am allowed to shout and scream, so long as I am not hurting anyone (like I hurt Amelia). She's teaching me the power of my words, and that people are listening to me now, and that what I have to say is valid. Addison emailed Grace her concerns about my 'lack of parenting' as she calls it, so Addie has been helping me with stuff my Mom apparently should have taught, when instead she was in surgery.

I'm currently laying in my bed, alone yet again. I'm worried about Derek. He seems to be taking more and more shifts at work, perhaps to avoid dealing with me. He got quite upset last night when I was struggling with dinner. He said it hurt him to see me in so much pain with my stomach, and seeing Addie and Amy so strict with me. They don't let me stop eating when my tummy hurts now, I'm being made to push through it so my tummy can finally heal.

"Princess?"

That's Amelia at my door. I've given up on the battle of the nicknames, but I need to find her one that's equally annoying.

"Hi Amy."

"How are you doing today?"

"Been better, been worse..."I grumble.

In all honesty, I just want to bury myself in the duvet.

"I've got some good news. I've managed to book you some time in a skills lab at the hospital! Derek said you have an affinity for neuro, so you and I are going to practice some burr holes on the dummy's! It might cheer you up to get out the house!" She says quietly as I fully wake up, her hand running through my bangs and sweeping them off my forehead.