What She Needs

9. The Letter

My first attempt at Meredith! She's still in denial! Please remember, if any of these issues affect you, a quick internet search will give you charities and organisations in your area to support you for a low cost. There's crisis text lines that are free of charge. Please reach out for professional help.
All rights to shondaland.

"Every girl needs a mother and damn I needed you." -The Letter by Kehlani

Meredith

I feel a bit scattered. I can't really comprehend what's going on between me and Addison. I hated her 7 days ago. So did Derek, but now they're all 'buddy buddy' and I'm living in Addisons house. The universe is strange.

I'm exhausted too. Not just from the panic attacks, but from the explaining. Trying to put something intangible into words is exhausting. I don't want to be honest with her and hand her the key to my soul, only for her to throw it in the ocean, leaving me exposed forever more. But I've started to crack. Addison has a way with words that compels me to pour my heart out to her and, who knows, maybe she's right, and honesty is the first step to recovery.

I'm a doctor. I know the theory of mental illness. I just can't comprehend my own chemical imbalance.

I went through 4 cycles of the five minute timer before the urge became somewhat bearable. The first ten minutes were spent in Addisons arms, by the coffee machine, and then on the couch. I then spent 5 minutes doing a sudoku and the last five doing some weird hypnotic breathing Addie said she learnt from her friend Violet. She sounds like a quack doctor if you ask me, but hey, it kind of worked.

She had breakfast. I had coffee. Then my phone erupted with what sent me into a frenzy last night.

INCOMING CALL- MY MCDREAMY :)

Before I have a chance to shut my cell, Addison's answered.

"Derek! Hi! .......Yes, she's here with me. She slept over last night and will be staying this weekend and probably next week as well........ no I can explain!......... Derek, I have not kidnapped your girlfriend!....... hold on.......... Derek, I'm going to put you on speaker......."

Despite finding Addisons ramble adorably funny, I'm sending her a death stare. I do not want to talk to Derek. The second I open my mouth I know the truth will come out. It's not that he won't be supportive. Derek's a very good guy. It's my own shame and fear of abandonment that I'm projecting onto him. I know, it's not fair.

"Mer.. are you there?"

His husky voice rings through. He's obviously just woken up, and I can picture him there, lying in his trailer- or maybe he's in my bed, our bed, curled up on the left like he always is, the sun streaming in and hitting his features just right.

"I'm here Derek..."

"Are you okay? Why are you suddenly staying with Addie? Is this some weird girly vacation I don't get to know about? Are Cristina and Izzie there too? She's not doing some intern hazing is she? Addison, I swear to God, you better be treating her right!!!!"

"Derek!"

Addison and I cut off his speech, both of us familiar with the way his mind reels.

"Derek... Ummm.... something happened .. at work and uh... well, Dr Robbins says I have to stay with Addison for 72 hours, but Addie's taken the week off... uh because...."

He interrupts.

"72 hours? Mer... that's oddly specific. That's what we say to psych when we hand over patients from the ER..."

Addison is looking at me with her best sympathy eyes. The whole half smile and furrowed brow she's got going on is pulling at my heart strings.

"Meredith... are you going to tell him, or am I?"