I've Got It Under Control

thirty two

Jules

I wish for my smile back.

Please.

A true smile.

Not the fake ones.

I want my smile back.

I lay awake at night, after having 3 equivalent full meals today, the voice and culpability become almost too much. As I stare into the pitch-black abyss, hot briny tears cover every inch of my face, my chest is aching into my soul, my mind moving at a thousand thoughts per minute and my heart palpitating. Oh, how I long to relieve this pain, just one last time, that is what I kept saying to myself, but did I ever stop? I inched my way to the door, timing it that the night nurse was checking someone else's room as I quickly reached under the door, pulling the blade into my shaking hand; rushing back to bed before I was caught. After the nurse checks in on you, use it.

15 minutes. You have 15 minutes.

I slipped my boney spine down the wall, curling into a ball, reflecting the blade using the moonlight, and admiring its power and beauty. I'm so tired of this endless cycle that I can't get myself out of. I paint red lines onto my skin planning to just cover it up with the bandages once I'm done. The blood drips and gets caught on the fabric. I can't wait for this to sting in the morning. After 5 minutes of painful cutting, I have to stop. I can't do this anymore, I just wish my arms were bare again. Please make this stop. I silently cry into my knees, tomorrow morning I will give it to him. I have to. Right?

I think you should keep it.

I'm fine.

I promise.

No one realised when I was sad. No one realised when I was depressed. No one realised when I was so close to killing myself. No one realised the deep and hatred self-harm. No one realised when I stopped caring. No one realised when I stopped eating. No. One. Realised. No one stood by me. No one helped me. No one even batted an eyelid. But I did. But you did Ana. I stuck by you. You stuck by me. I realised. You realised. You saw how I lost control. You saw when I obeyed you. I'm good to you Ana. You helped me regain control. You have control. I have control. And that was all down to me. That was all down to you Ana.

But Ana. Or do you want to go by Anorexia? You are killing me. Ana, please. You are killing me. My body. My mind. I can't take it for much longer. Help me get control again because my grasp is slowly but surely losing grip.

***

Tom walked in at 7:30 am, always half an hour before breakfast because if you are anorexic, you are most likely stubborn and try and not turn up to meals. "Beautiful morning, Jules!" He said in his eager way like always, hands in his pockets and staring out at the sunrise.

"Tom," I say fiddling with the blade between my hands. The last time I will touch this, am I sure I want to do this? Yes. I have to.

"Jules."

"I lied to you." My head sunk in towards my chest.

"About what?" Tom came and sat down on the end of the bed, I know he already knows but it makes me feel better that he is giving me time to explain.

"The blade. I still have it." I hold the blade out flat in the palm of my hand, outstretching my arm for him to take it. It still has blood on it from last night and I can feel my face blush as I looked into his eyes.

"I'm glad you are giving this to me Jules. Thank you. But why did you lie?" He says taking it from my hand and keeping it firmly in his.

"Because then I've lost complete control, and that scares me."