I've Got It Under Control

twelve

Pure white walls surrounded her, tall ceilings that were impossible to even reach. A large window at the far end, with a seat ledge- where Jules will probably spend most of her days. On the opposite wall to the door, placed a double bed, perfectly aligned fresh, white sheets. She walked over to the bed, feeling the cotton against her dry hands, sitting down on the edge, attempting to take in this new change. A navy blue seat sat against the wall, that the door was on. Tom closed the door so Jules was able to see the rest of the room, as he stood with his back against the door, hands in his pockets. Watching and observing Jule's body language.

At the opposite end of the room, stood a tall white wardrobe which stood just before another door opening. Jules stood up and started walking to the door. "That's your bathroom, it will be locked most of the time, you have to come and ask permission to open it. After every meal it will be locked for half an hour, I think you are smart enough to know why. You get 5 minutes in the shower, after that the water is shut off from a timer as a precaution, but as you spend some time here and earn our trust that you won't do anything silly, I'm sure we can double that time." He strode over and unlocked the door with the keycard. Holding the door open with one arm.

Jules noticed how none of the doors had handles, most probably to stop you from hanging yourself. Yet again a larger space than she had imaged, it was accompanied with a sink which had rounded sink knobs- another precaution. A cup sat on the side with a toothbrush and toothpaste, along with a bar of soap still in its wrapper next to this. It had a far-reaching mirror above the sink and if you turn around a walk-in shower. Which already had shampoo, conditioner and body wash, ready and waiting. Jules realised she had nothing with her, no towels, clothes or any basic necessities."Don't worry about not having anything with you, we realised that you probably wouldn't have anything as you were rushed straight to the hospital. That is why you have been given everything you hopefully need. Towels are under the sink along with other supplies you might need." He said like he just read Jules's mind, opening the cupboard that sat under the mirror revealing everything inside.

It was very simple: spare toilet roll, toothpaste, soap, deodorant and feminine products. "If you need any more shampoo, conditioner or body wash during your time here, just ask," he said smiling again. The toilet sat next to the cupboard on the same wall, opposite the shower. The white bowl that was once her best friend, I wonder if it will still be Jules's coping mechanism. My best guess is that it will be. This was all so overwhelming for Jules, so much to take in, so much that will be changing for her life. Tom walked out of the bathroom, gesturing for her to follow him. He turned to the left where the wardrobe stood tall, yet again it had no handles but hand holes for you to pull the doors open. It had clothes already occupying it, but not Jules's. Long sleeve and short sleeve plain coloured t-shirts in the colours: black, white and grey. Along with zip-up hoodies (without the drawstrings) and sweatshirts in a range of colours.

"We didn't quite know your size, sorry, so hopefully they will fit you until we can get a package from your parents of your clothes and valuables. They might be a tad oversized but you won't have to put up with it for too long I hope." Tom said apologetically. He walked over to the right, passed the door opening where a set of drawers belonged. Jules outstretched her arm revealing the deep self-harm cuts to Tom's view. He didn't say anything, probably knowing too well not to bring that sort of stuff up. Jules attempted to pull the top draw open but was too weak to even make it budge. Tom noticed her struggling and assisted her with the use of an index finger, that was how light it was. It revealed pants, socks, bras and sports bras- not like Jules really had use for them, there was practically nothing there. She closed that draw and Tom opened the next one, which had a couple of joggers, leggings and shorts all in tiny sizes. The last draw was empty most probably for Jules to put her personal clothes in if she ever got them.

"I understand your parents are slit up, hopefully, one of them will reply to our calls so we can get your things and hopefully make you feel more comfortable. If we are done here I can show you around more and you can meet some of the other patients and workers here."

Jules needed to sit down, she hadn't moved this much in months, let alone think as much as she had this past hour. "Can I sit down please?" Jules felt awkward at saying this.

"Of course this is your room Jules, you don't have to ask permission. Are you feeling okay?" Tom asked, his nervous hands twitching at the ready, in case she fainted again.

Jules slowly stepped over to the bed, sitting down with her head bowed. Just breathe Jules, take everything in, this is where you will be spending a lot of your time. Get a grip and get used to it, you put yourself here. Just thought I would remind you that Jules. This is all your fault. "I know it's a lot to take in, take all the time you need." Tom walked over to the window and looking out of it arms crossed, "you have a nice view Jules, probably one of the better rooms," Tom said trying to make casual conversation.

Jules had yet to have a proper conversation with him during this hour and although she didn't want to expose herself to vulnerability, she did feel bad for him; it was as though he was talking to himself. "Where else do we have to go?" Jules questioned.

"Well I still need to show you the dining hall and common room, other than that if you don't want to meet anyone just yet, completely understandable as this is a nerve-racking experience already; I can just quickly get you medically checked over and get your medical files up to date. Then you can come back here and get settled in," Tom said warmly, in which Jules realised how safe she felt around him.

"Sure," Jules said, slightly bombarded with information that she didn't quite know how to process and was struggling to function. Tom led her out of the room, walking along the corridor passing each different coloured door on both sides of the hallway, that now buzzed with inhabitants. Jules seemed slightly on edge, she moved closer to Tom like he was her shield, as patients stared as she walks past. Tom seemed to sense this, he outstretched his arm and placed it very lightly on her back, inching her forward slightly so she was walking in line with him. He started to point out the patients noting that this was the girls sleeping area.

Finally, after what felt like forever they reached the end of the hall, the door was unlocked and they returned to the bright glass hallway. They kept walking straight for a while, reaching the division in the hallway, Jules followed slightly behind Tom, who every once in a while looked back to check on her. They both kept going straight, now walking past the 'Dining Room' sign that was painted on the white wall. This time it was a set of double doors that came into view, yet again the swipe of the card led them into a large and spaced out meal room."Okay, so this is the general dining room, most patients will eat here and over to your right is where you will be served your food. The menu changes every week and there are different dietary need options. As you are mainly here for an eating disorder Jules, there is a specific dinner lady who will weigh up your food and track the food that is on the plate, using what we call a food slip. This will be given to your designated nurse, who will sit with you for every meal. If you find it hard to eat around large groups, follow me into here Jules, you will find separate rooms where you can eat your food. Breakfast is at 8 am every day, snack time is 10:30 am, lunch at 12:30 pm, snack time again at 3 pm and dinner at 5:30 pm, you will then have another snack time at 7 pm. Due to being an eating disorder patient, your designated nurse will come to collect you separately."

Jules was hoping that Tom would be this nurse. Surges of anxiety and eating disorder thoughts fluttered through her, due to the immense amount of time Jules has to eat food. Just refuse it, Jules. You don't deserve food, you are too big for it. Continue starving yourself or you will hate your body even more. What are they even going to do if you don't eat, it's not like they can force you. "What will happen if I don't eat?"

"Well we understand that it will be hard for you to get out of the habit of not eating, and it's tricky to overcome the voice in your head telling you to not eat. If you don't eat the solid food, you will be given a food supplement- which from your files I understand you have already been offered, but if you refuse to administer it orally you will be given a feeding tube. So if you continuously refuse the drink, you will be sectioned. This is where you will be forced to eat, whether it may be through orally or a feeding tube."

Jules was wrong, they could force you.