I've Got It Under Control

twenty three

It took Tom an hour to convince Jules to even leave her room, another half an hour of him and Rosie trying to get her into the hallway and actually through the dining room doors. By this time most people had finished and were either in therapy, the common room, or doing school work. Some eating disorder stragglers were still at their tables trying to finish their meals. They all looked up when Jules walked in, she was pink from crying and embarrassment, however, their facial expressions were one of understanding; I mean they are all in here for the same reason. A plate had been saved back for Jules, it consisted of vanilla yogurt, a bowl of porridge, fruit, and a glass of orange juice. Tom picked up the tray and led it to a small table where Rosie now sat, smiling warmly at Jules gesturing for her to sit. She stood in the middle of the hall, staring blankly at the food. Tom picked up the porridge and made his way to warm it up in the microwave that was where all the food would have been served.

"Sit down Jules," Tom ordered, clearly bored of playing with Jules's games for an hour and a half. Jules just sort of stood there, frozen to the spot, solid food hadn't passed through her mouth in a very long time. The nerves were kicking in as Jules clenched her jaw and began grinding her back teeth due to the rising anxiety.

"Come on Jules, it's alright, just sit down for me," Rosie said in her high voice. It felt as though the whole room was drawing in on Jules, as she darted her eyes around the spacious area quickly, the floor seemed to slip and slide as she bobbed around. All of a sudden she felt a light hand on her back, bringing her back into her senses. Carefully forcing her closer to the table, she looked over at the hot porridge that Tom was carrying, her mind was yelling at her, punishing her for even setting foot into the hall, let alone sitting down at the table. Jules wrapped her hands around her stomach, clenching it tightly, she was insecure around all these eating disorder patients; seeing them as smaller than her. She felt as though they were probably judging her for her weight, but in reality, they were all at a very similar weight. Terrifyingly thin, every single bone exposed for onlookers to see.

Tom pulled out a chair for Jules, placing the porridge in front of her, and sat down to the side. She was still stood, stubbornly bouncing her leg up and down with unease, her eyes bloodshot from crying. The smell of the sweet porridge wafted up to her nostrils, her stomach longing for that warm food, her mind telling her the opposite. She was addicted to the starvation feeling, it made her feel complete as if she had control over everything. But she didn't have control over everything. She didn't have control of anything. Did she? Jules sat down heavily on the chair, sighing as she did. Tom held out the spoon for Jules to grab, she refused, she couldn't even look at the porridge. "I don't like porridge." That was a lie, Jules use to love porridge, however, it was now a fear food for her, constantly obsessing over every calorie, tallying in her mind how one oat equals around 3 calories.

"Well okay, I can get you something else if that's true. Or are you just saying that because you are afraid of eating the porridge and trying to avoid it?" Ouch, that hurt. He just full-on exposed Jules's thoughts and intentions. Tom could tell Jules was questioning her next move, the table was shaking as she violently bounced her leg up and down, up and down. She chewed at her fingernails and the skin around them, she was clearly very uncomfortable. Tom placed the spoon in the porridge, scooping out a small amount and outstretching it for Jules to take. "Here hold the spoon." Jules shook her head vigorously, now nibbling on the cuff of her sweatshirt once again, as a wave of nausea swam through her. Tom gently grabbed her hand which was shaking out of control and placed the spoon into her grip. He let go slightly, noticing the extremely unstable spoon, and taking ahold of it again."Just one bite for me."

"No." Jules attempted to say through quivered words, without bursting into tears. Cold shivers fell down her spine. Her mind telling her she wasn't sick enough yet, she wasn't thin enough, she can't eat until she is at her goal. But Jules dear can't you see, you will never reach your desired goal, you will just keep pushing it and pushing it back, at this rate Jules you won't even be here. A further 15 minutes was spent trying to persuade Jules into taking a bite of the porridge, it was no good, she wasn't budging. "Okay, why don't we try the yogurt." Placing the spoon back into the bowl and moving it away.