I've Got It Under Control

twenty six

Jules

You won't be surprised when I tell you that I refused to even touch the cup. Tom wrote down on the food slip, 'supplement drink refused', I stood up and wanted to get back to my room, I was shaking violently and it felt as if I would crash down to the floor any second. I gripped the table, my knuckles becoming white from the force of trying to hold myself up. I'm fine. This always happens. Nothing new. Tom flew up from his seat, wrapping an arm around me, holding me close to him as I waited for the fainting spell to pass. Fuck. I felt that similar warm feeling begin to travel up my body.

Tom was holding up most of my weight at this point, leaning me back to sit on the chair, "sit down Jules."
I sat down slowly, trying to not disturb the bile that was becoming irritable in my stomach. I leaned over, my stomach touching my knees as I clutched onto it; in an attempt to not get sick on me. I'm okay, I just got up too quickly. I just want to get back to bed. I sat up, a lot more slowly this time, Tom watched my every move as he held his hand out for me to use to stand up. "Take it slowly Jules."

"Are we going back to my room?"

"Yes, Jules. You will have a one-to-one for a bit and then you will be left alone until dinner. Usually, we insist that you spend a certain amount of time socialising, but we are a bit lenient for first-timers." Once we reached the room I can still taste the cucumber flavour in my mouth, it made me feel even more guilty than I already am. "Would you like me to sit outside or in here Jules?"

"I don't care. All I want to do is brush my teeth please."

"I can't really let that happen, unfortunately," Tom said sitting down on the chair in my room.

"You can literally stand here and watch me, I just want to get the taste out of my mouth," I say standing with my back against the bathroom door.

Tom stood up and made his way to unlock the door, "don't make me regret trusting you." We were both standing in the yellow-lit bathroom, I grabbed my toothbrush and pushed away from the urge to shove it down my throat and make myself sick. As I pulled the toothbrush up towards my mouth, the voices in my head were shouting and screaming at me. I looked over at Tom who was yet again leaned against the door frame, with a questioned frown on his face. As I began to make circular motions around my teeth, I increasingly started to press harder and harder against my gum, trying to stop the temptations that now fill my head. As I spat out the toothpaste that had swirls of blood in it, I realised I couldn't resist it anymore.

Tom snapped me out of the thought, "maybe not brush so hard that your gums bleed Jules?" The toothbrush was shaking in my hand as the metal taste in my mouth filled my senses. Tom took the brush from my hand. "Finished?"

"I need to do my tongue," I say hopeful he will give it back to me so I can fulfill what I want to do.

"I think that's enough Jules, I can see you are struggling to resist yourself." I spat the remaining blood out of my mouth and push past, nudging him slightly as he washed off my blood-tainted toothbrush. Locking the bathroom door behind him. He retired back into the chair while I sat by the window, running my tongue over my stinging gum. The metallic sensation still very prominent, I looked over at Tom who was slouched in the chair and deep in thought.

"A penny for them?" I remember Tom saying this to me before and I giggled. He looked up at me and smirked, completely ignoring my question and saying:

"Have you had a chance to look at the book I gave you?"

"I was meant to say thank you for that earlier, I read the blurb but I didn't get a chance to go any further." Tom stood up, picking the book up in a sweeping motion and handing it to me. I opened the first page. Was he trying to distract me? Make the intruding voices in my head silent for only a few minutes? "Tom?"