I've Got It Under Control

seven

The doctor cleared his throat and asked Jules if she could look up at him and listen. She tilted her head towards the black-haired doctor, the light caught her weak eyes and she squinted. She no longer looked at him but instead began to pick at the already bleeding skin around her nails. She gestured to the doctor to fulfil what he had come to say, by telling him to get on with it.

"I know you are fully aware of the situation, and due to that, you are smart enough to know that you aren't well enough to leave our care. We will start you on antidepressants- selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, these not only act as antidepressants but they will support you with anxiety. Calcium, sulphuric acid, vitamin A, B6, B12, C and D. This will help replenish your body of what it hasn't had for a long time. Once you are stabilised here, you will become an inpatient and be moved to the psychiatric ward. Do you have any questions, Jules?"

Jules had many but refused to speak to him. Remember Jules, he doesn't care about you, don't open up to him. The doctor sat there, examining her body language, she was tense and distant. "Should I tell you about the side effects?" Yet again silence, from the very stubborn girl who shivered on the hospital bed. Doctor Murphy stood up and reached for another blanket, to pile on top of the already 6 on her, plus a heated one. "Is that better?" He said as he cared. Jules gave a slight head nod, but truly nothing could suppress the cold feeling that travelled all around her body.

"Right well, let me explain the side effects, it's mostly from the antidepressant, you could feel agitated, nauseous, unfortunately, loss of appetite, dizziness, blurry vision, excessive sweating, headaches and trouble sleeping/drowsiness. Now I should add that's these side effects should improve over time."
That was a lot of information for Jules to take in, she turned on her back, processing it all. "I know that was a lot to take in, I'll leave you to think about it, and I'll come back to see if you have any questions. Okay?" Doctor Murphy said awkwardly.

Out of nowhere, Jules felt her nose running, she wiped it against the back of her head, now noticing the fresh blood that imprinted on her skin. The doctor sat her up, putting on medical gloves and grabbing a gauze; as the blood trickled all the way down her face and was now dripping on the hospital gown. He carefully placed the gauze on her nose and held it there. Through a muffled voice Jules proclaimed that she could do it herself, but as the gauze quickly filled up with blood and Doctor Murphy's gloves were now covered, she wasn't so sure she wanted to.

She gulped for breath as blood covered every inch of her mouth and nose. Jules's head became heavy, bobbing from side to side, laying a rest on the doctor's arm that was attempting to keep her stable. His blue scrubs being tainted with her valuable blood. She was a ticking time bomb, ready and anticipating to go off. She was losing too much blood already. Her eyes were sinking into the back of her head, as the doctor held up her body weight, waiting for the nurses to respond to the signal he had sent. Once again the shuffling of the shoes grew closer, they were able to get Jules onto her side. Placing his thumb and index finger just above her nostrils. The flowing ruby blood soon slowed down. Doctor Murphy left the nurses to clean up Jules's blood-stained face and clothes.

Jules felt uncomfortable as the nurses forcefully wiped away the blood, changing her hospital gown and bedsheets. She felt drained, not only did her blood leave her body but her soul. She felt empty and exhausted. Her head pounded trying to escape, she just ignored it. The situation was under control. Once again she was causing an uprising. Stop being so dramatic Jules. Such an attention seeker.

***

Sit back and buckle yourself in Jules, and get ready for your very unlucky day.

Imagine if your parents had a key to your mind Jules, or what about the doctors, therapist or your best friend. They would see counted calories, tallied on the walls of your mind and they would cry. They would cry because of the obsessive thoughts, self harm and terrifying overthinking. What about if they saw the blood that you purposely stripped from your body, or when you prayed that you wouldn't take your next breath.

Now you wake up laying in a hospital bed, fighting for your life, as a feeding tube desperately attempts to refuel your, let's face it, dying body. Once again Jules aggressively yanked out the feeding tube, the supplement food leaking everywhere. The aftermath of her poor choice pained Jules, as she began to gag at the sensation of the tube being pulled up from her stomach. A nurse walked past, unaware of what Jules had just done, she peered into the room. Shit, you've been caught out Jules. She shouted for the doctor, as Jules stuck her fingers down her swollen throat begging for whatever they pumped into her to come out. You took too long Jules, Doctor Murphy jerked her hand out of her mouth; gripping tightly to both of them.

This time she was more aggressive, Jules dragged her body forward, pulling out the drip and other tubes with it. Doctor Murphy still had a tight grip on her forearms as Jules pushed her body up using her knees. "Stop Jules, stop just relax, we are trying to help you!" Shouted Doctor Murphy.

"NO, NO, GET OFF ME, LET GO OF ME!" Jules exclaimed loudly. A sharp pinch hit her arm, the feeling of cold liquid spread through it. Jules looked at the culprit, a angry facial expression described how she felt. A strong arm wrapped around her minuscule waist, as she flopped forward, inevitably calming down but becoming unconscious. Peace and quiet filled the air, heavy breaths of nurses and doctors were let out as the now lifeless Jules could be attended to. This was the second day that she had been in hospital, it wasn't going very well. The bad-tempered teenager was causing problems for herself let alone the doctors.

Jules was now restricted with restraints, no longer able to move her arms and legs. I can just imagine the scene when she wakes up, oh she is going to be angry. She will no longer be able to pull that feeding tube out, her body will finally get the nutrients it so badly needed. But at what cost?

***

Ear piercing screams erupt as Jules made it known to nearly everyone in the hospital that she was not happy. "GET THESE FUCKING THINGS OFF ME!" The extremely short-tempered girl shouted so loudly I'm surprised she didn't lose her voice. While the tight restraints around her ankles and wrists kept her glued to the bed.

She shook and twitched trying to break free. She was out of breath, her heart was beating too fast, the beeps on the ECG seemed to grow louder. Jules felt a sudden wave of sickness waft through her, as she lay on her back, she wondered if anyone would make it in time to stop her from choking. But who did she care, she didn't want to be here anyway. As the sickness travelled upwards, she was sure that she had run out of time. Doctor Murphy ran in after hearing her deadly screams, he looked down at the pale-faced girl who began to gag; he moved her head to the side just in time, before the supplement food was thrown up, the tube slightly coming up with it, and it no longer sat in her now empty stomach. The tube hurt and felt uncomfortable, poking and scratching at her tissue. Jules was coughing and begging for the disgusting thing to leave her alone. Doctor Murphy still had a hand on Jules's head, her eyes becoming glossy from gagging. This time it wasn't her fault.