I've Got It Under Control

twenty one

Jules's bloodcurdling screams filled the hall, Tom closed the door behind him, just moments after Rosie rushed in due to hearing the commotion. Returning the door to its rightful position of closed and turning the lights on.

Tom sat on her bed, where there was a gap due to her knees being bent. He slightly pulled down the duvet to reveal the rest of her face that had been blanketed, her face still firmly forced away into the pillow. Jules moved her hands up towards her ears, begging the agonising thoughts to stop; at that moment Tom got a glimpse of her glowing red arms. He pulled the closest arm away from her face, inspecting the irritated skin. "Oh Jules, I'm sorry. Focus on my voice, open your eyes it will help you think of something other than the voices. Open your eyes for me, Jules." Tom spoke out softly. The thoughts were so intruding, demanding her to not open her eyes which were stinging from the tears, and due to the sheer force of being closed, her head pounding with concerning thoughts. Jules was torn between listening to her brain and Tom. Fighting against the itch to listen to her mind, desperately attempting to block out the concept of letting her feelings absorb her. Instead, she listened to Tom and opened her eyes quickly, while through blurred vision she saw those charmingly timid blue eyes.

"Please make them stop!" For years Jules had been fighting these voices, but as they got stronger and stronger as her mental health got worse; she could no longer ignore them or push them to the side. They now filled every second of her mind, all day every day they commanded her, forcing her to follow their orders or there will be repercussions. Jules was infuriated, screaming and kicking trying all her might to not hurt herself.

"Tell me what you are feeling Jules." Trying to steady the squirming girl that now twitched around on the bed.

"I hurt myself. I deserved it. But I now feel guilty for doing it, stupidly making me want to do it more." Jules spoke through heavy and exaggerated breaths.

"How does hurting yourself make you feel?"

"Relief. Obsessive thoughts fill my head, telling me to do it again. I want that solace again, the satisfaction of hurting myself makes me want to carry on. It's a never-ending fucking cycle."

Jules now sat up staring straight at Tom, sobs filled the room and a panic-stricken girl trembled violently, while Rosie shifted uncomfortably behind Tom. He now pressed his hands to Jules's, flipping them over to reveal the nail marks and dried blood, it wasn't a lot of blood only really a few drops from the scabs and nail marks. Torturing her body pleased her. She looked down at them and up at Tom, who still had his hands on hers. "Do you think if we bandage your arms it might help?"

"But they don't need bandages they aren't bleeding." She said with a fast breathing rate and a face full of tears.

"I understand that but it's so you can't hurt yourself again. You won't be able to see your arms."

"I don't care."

Tom looked back at Rosie, she had a slightly worried look in her eyes. Jules followed Tom's eyes and was now looking up at her as well. "Are there any doctors available at this time?"

"Um yes, I think Doctor Miller just started his shift," Rosie informed.

"Right okay, Jules with me." Jules sat there gazing at him as he stood up, she was exhausted and didn't want to get out of her bed, nor get out of the comfort and closure of her room. Yet she pulled back the remaining covers and slipped on shoes. As they made their way to the medical centre for what felt like the hundredth time today, a tsunami of dread drowned Jules.

"Tom."

"Mmhm."

"I'm really sorry about this."

"This is what we are here for, to help you, Jules. Never feel guilty for needing help. It's better to get help than suffer in silence. We are here for you so you can get better, I will always be here to look after you. I'm glad you asked me for me when you felt this come on. It's a step closer to feeling more comfortable around your own feelings and emotions. Do you remember what I said before?"

"Um...I don't think so."

"Your feelings are valid, remember that. You should never feel embarrassed for struggling."

As they reached the medical centre, Tom popped his head around the first door. Knocking on it slightly. "Tom! Good evening." Doctor Miller said eagerly meeting his eyes with Tom's and then Jules's.

"Good evening Andrew, quiet shift? Just sit on the bed Jules."

"Yes rather quiet, but it always is until the morning isn't it." Doctor Miller smiled down at Jules.
"New inpatient? Lovely to meet you, Jules. Welcome. I hope you are comfortable here, how can I help Tom?"

"I was wondering if you could just bandage Jules's arms, they aren't bleeding but I'm hopeful it might stop her from hurting herself tonight." Jules was anxious, she was met with yet another new face. Her arms were wrapped around her stomach; she was self-conscious and didn't want to let Doctor Miller see her damaged arms. Doctor Miller span around on his chair and grabbed a fresh pair of medical gloves.

"Of course I can." He stood up grabbing the equipment that he needed.

"I'm just going to quickly get your file Jules and I will be back." Jules didn't say anything but was praying he would come back quickly. By the time Tom returned Doctor Miller was sat down and was sorting through the medical supplies.

"Thought I'd best wait until you got back Tom, can I see your arms?" Too tired to even talk let alone be stubborn and fight back, she revealed her painful arms. Tom stepped forward and retrieve the hairband, placing it back on his wrist. Doctor Miller quickly cleaned her urticated arms and placed tight bandages on them. While Tom wrote something down in Jules's files."Better?" Doctor Miller questioned, and Jules nodded moderately. Running her fingers along with the smooth cotton bandages, waiting for her next order.

"I just need you to sign this off Andrew and we will get out of your hair." Tom passed her files along to Doctor Miller.

"Sign what?" Jules managed to get out.

"Just that we came and visited him and to sign that he bandaged your arms."

"Why?" 

Doctor Miller chuckled, passing the signed document back to Tom who placed his signature under Doctor Miller's comment. Putting it down on the end of the bed. "Full of questions aren't you."

She wasn't really, Jules became awkward and looked down. "All valid ones though, first time here is always confusing and scary," Tom reassured her.
"Can you put that back for me, Andrew? I want to get Jules back to her room."

"Sure thing Tom, shift nearly finished isn't it?"

"In about half an hour yes. I'll see you tomorrow Andrew, have a good shift." Tom said guiding Jules out of the room and back to hers. She climbed back into bed, Tom sat in the chair until he was sure she had fallen asleep, informing the night nurse who was positioning herself in the corridor to keep an eye on room 28. Consequently, the nurse moved her chair up the corridor slightly to now be closer to the room. Tom peered back into Jules's room before switching the light off and closing the door slowly.

The doors weren't locked at night because the nurse was there, they were only individually locked in the day if they needed to make sure a patient wasn't spending too much time in their rooms.

Goodnight Jules. I hope you have a good sleep. You need it.