I've Got It Under Control

twenty two

Jules

I woke up from a nightmare, sitting up abruptly, cold sweats covered my body, my hair stuck to my now drenched forehead. I got up and stumbled around to find the t-shirts that were in the wardrobe, the night nurse must have noticed the movement as she put her head around the door. "You alright love?" She said in a very strong accent.

"Yes sorry, I was just getting a new t-shirt, mines a bit sweaty."

"That's alright darling. Bad dream? I heard you wake up with quite a fright."

I slipped off the t-shirt that occupied my enfeebled body, dropping it to the floor and replacing it with a clean one. "Nothing that I'm not used to," I whispered.

"Alright, goodnight." I don't reply as I feel around waiting for the bed to come into reach. Sliding myself back into the fresh sheets, I lay there for hours attempting to fall back asleep, until the sun starts to rise and I realise I'm most probably not going to get any more rest today. I drift in and out of sleep for hours until I hear the sound of the hallway door opening and two support workers mumbling quietly to each other. Hearing the familiar knock on everyone's door, alerting them to wake up and get ready for meds.

It was 7:30 am, breakfast was at 8 am and I was dreading it all night, I think that's what kept me up most of the time. I pulled the duvet over my head and closed my eyes for the last minute of calm that I would feel today. Rosie knocked on my door, opening it fully now so that I could hear the buzz of all the hallway waking up.

"Good morning Jules, time to get up sweetheart." Yeah, how about no. I didn't budge, feeling especially stubborn today. I drifted back into a light sleep for around 10 minutes until Rosie returned pestering me to get up. Moaning I pulled the duvet tighter around me, it seemed like everyone was up and had been taken to take their medication. "Come on please Jules, I'm not going to ask you again." Rosie was sterner now. Slowly I began to emerge from the pleasant bed, I didn't even bother changing my top, I pulled over a sweatshirt and place the same joggers on from yesterday. Shuffling into the bathroom, closing the door, and sitting down on the toilet, I put my head in my hands trying to wake myself, rubbing my eyes forcefully. Washing my hands and splatting my face with cold water, as I stared at myself in the mirror. I fucking hate what I see, god I have really let myself go. I pull my knotted, falling-out hair into a low bun and make my way to the door.

Leaning against the door frame waiting for someone to escort me to retrieve my mediation. I slid down the shiny frame, my knees slightly bent and stretching out to rest on the other side of the frame, my head and back resting against it as well. Shutting my eyes lightly, taking notice of the murmurs of excited girls' voices, I could feel the throbbing rumble of my empty stomach; as it begged me to listen to it. Making the gurgling louder and louder as I choose to ignore it. Rosie comes back to take me to get my medication, usually, I would be in a panicked state about how many calories are in this medication, but after a sleepless night and almost no energy, I struggle to even stand up or walk straight. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. "Were you on shift all night?" I ask Rosie as we walk to the medical centre.

"Yes, I finish soon and then the daytime people will take over." We make our way to the opening where the medication is handed out, a female nurse is there with blue latex gloves handing medication to a brown-haired boy. He turns his head to the sound of us walking down the hall, I recognise almost immediately that it's Theo, he doesn't even react and takes his medication and walks away. I reach the desk, tapping on the ledge slightly.

"Name." The moody nurse asks.

"Jules Hart." She begins to dish up my medication, placing it into a paper cup and handing it to me aggressively; I tip the deadly contents into my mouth, it's currently the only thing keeping me alive at this point, washing it down with cold water. "Open." I open my mouth flicking my tongue up and down to show that I've taken the medication. While walking back to my room, it sinks in what I've just done. Just imagine how many calories were in that. Fuck. I shouldn't have taken them. Once back into my room I notice my bathroom door is closed and I presume locked. Honestly, what is stopping me from throwing up all over myself or the floor? Nothing absolutely nothing. I curl myself up in the navy blue chair, crying silently to myself with guilt.

Do you know what depression, anxiety, or an eating disorder feels like? Well, it feels like a thousand-pound weight holding you down, in a swirl of water barely stopping at your mouth. So no matter how much your neck aches, you have to keep your neck up to survive. Or it could be looking up at the sky, realising how far heaven or hell is from you. It's how much you hate now, and every second before and after it. It's the pit and butterflies in your stomach after you realise that one thing you were once passionate about is drifting away from your clasp, past your tips, and completely out of reach. You get a mouthful of water every once in a while, as you are unable to control the ever-growing nerves and you sacrifice drowning. Depression is the pressure of the rough water, bouncing against your chest. Air. Keeps. Seeping. Even though I don't even want to breathe again. I don't want to be here. Sacrifice me. Take me. I'm ready. I've accepted it. Take me.

I hear the distant sound of someone walking up the hallway.  "Ready for breakfast?" I hear the familiar voice speak to a girl down the hall. The relaxing steps get closer and closer, stopping at my door and knocking lightly. I can feel him look around the room finally setting eyes on me. I sniff from the tears, he sits down on the corner of my bed. "Goooodd mooorring Jules how are we on this fine morning?" Tom said excitedly, rustling around a wad of paper in his hands, while his arms rested on his thighs and his body hunched over.

"How are you so energetic in the morning?" I groan.

"Because it's the best part of the day! And it contains a very important meal."

"Yeah, no."

"I sense we aren't sharing the same enthusiasm." Tom chuckled.

"No, I don't think so." I laughed for the first time in a very long time, I can't quite believe it, it was a small laugh but a laugh nonetheless.

"May I ask you a question, Jules?"

"Sure."

"Were you crying about the thought of breakfast or something else?"

"Um not really, I think it was just because I took the medication."

"With no trouble I hear, I'm proud of you." Tom slaps his knees and gets up, heading for the door.
"Ready?" I'm biting the cuff of my sweatshirt, my knee is bouncing and anxious butterflies are fluttering about my stomach, hitting the walls and lining creating pressure. I'm fearful that I will disappoint Tom, but I really don't want to eat, the nausea from the anxiety mixed with the starvation nausea has really kicked in. Tom is waiting for me to move, while I'm sat waiting for this wave of sickness to pass. It doesn't. I can feel the warm bile move its way up my body and I panic. All the colour that I had in me has stripped away and I look up nervously at Tom.

"I'm going to be sick." My legs are still bouncing and twitching as Tom rushes to manually open my bathroom door, as I make a run for the toilet, but I was too slow to get all of the contents into the toilet before the burning bile escaped my body. My throat stings and is swollen, my eyes glossing over as I gag multiple times in reaction to the acidic bile. I spit the last remaining saliva into the bowl and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Tom is leaning against the door frame, watching my every move.

"You should brush your teeth, bile is very acidic and can be bad for them." Tom moves to sit on the corner of my unmade bed while he waits for me to brush my teeth. He is running his hand through his hair and slightly crouching over."Are we going to give the dining hall ago today?" He says in a hopeful manner. I spit out the toothpaste and look at him with a sarcastic face. Grinning slightly with my eyebrows up.

"What do you think?" I said walking over to the window seat.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said hopefully.

"And I'll take that as a no."