You seem Star Shaped. (Blur/Oasis)

Chapter Forty-Two

"I'm thinking cocktails. Alex! Are you thinking cocktails?" I practically screamed across the far too loud bar, turning to the barman and ordering far too many drinks, once Alex had given me a thumbs up from the booth we had been sat in.

I'd been on edge and craving a drink all day, so whilst the bar was unbearably loud, it was more than welcome. Today hadn't been the best of days, we were meant to be in the studio at 8 o'clock, but we didn't end up leaving the flat until gone ten. We were on track to actually arrive early, but as soon as it came to me leaving the front door, I burst into tears. I just couldn't do it, the thought of having to face all of those cameras petrified me. Damon had told me that he thought I'd actually had a panic attack, I didn't want to put a label on it, but whatever it was, I never wanted to experience it again. I knew Damon was there, I could feel him and I could see him but I still felt like I was in complete darkness, completely alone whilst my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.

I left the flat in a pair of sunglasses, a hat which I pulled completely down and a scarf which I pulled up to my nose. I'm sure the paparazzi knew it was me, but I felt hidden and just that bit safer.

The studio was nice and a welcome change from the same four walls I had been staring at recently, but all of the boys were being too nice to me. I thoroughly enjoyed it at first, I do like getting my own way after all, but once Damon offered the piano solo to me, I knew it had gone too far. I didn't have the chance to saying anything though as a journalist was hurried in, I looked across to Damon and glared at him. We all knew that I wouldn't have come in today if I knew we had an interview, so everybody seemed to have decided to not tell me and to be extra nice to overly compensate for it, a cheap move from them all really.

"It's so lovely to meet you all" She gushed, sitting down opposite us before flicking through her folder of paper "So I've got a few questions for you now and then I'll be coming to the bar with you all, that okay?"

I reluctantly nodded my head, interviews were bad enough but journalists coming out with us was even worse. It wasn't uncommon, but it drove me mad, I wanted to be able to relax with my friends, not have my every move scrutinised. They drunk with us, some even did drugs with us too, and acted like they were our friends but we all knew they were memorising and analysing every single word that came out of our mouths.

"Damon, I just have to ask. What happened with Liam?" She quickly glanced across to me, whilst Damon tried to stall his answer with some nervous laughter.

"Well, you know, we had just had a few too many drinks and disagreed over something or another" He told her, nodding his head with a smile. Everybody in this room knew that was a lie, but every ounce of me hoped that she wouldn't question it.

"You see, I asked Liam that same question yesterday and he said it was over you, Eliza" She told me, looking across to me and giving me a horrible sickly-sweet smile. I laughed, but I could feel my heart starting to beat faster, I wasn't sure what to say at all.

"I can't actually remember what was said, but Liam does like to exaggerate so I'd take what he said with a pinch of salt" I told her, my eyebrows furrowed into a frown as I glared slightly at her.

"You see, he really was certain that it was to do with you" She continued, pursing her lips together as she started at me, waiting for me to crack.

I aimlessly looked from side to side to try and get some help from one of the boys, but they were all deliberately trying to avoid eye contact with me. I sighed loudly and turned to face her again.

"I'm sure I was mentioned, there is only so much my ex-boyfriend and bandmate can say to each other before I'm mentioned, but the fight certainly wasn't about me" I insisted, trying to convince her with a nod of my head and a smile but it was obvious that she didn't believe a word I said.

"We've been talking about it a lot at the office, we think that you actually cheated on him and that's why he ended up with Patsy Kensit" She told me, not dropping her gaze from me. I thought everyone was over mine and Liam's breakup now, but clearly she was intent on questioning me on everything to do with Liam, just what I wanted really "Is that true?"

"No, definitely not. I didn't cheat on Liam" I told her, my smile had well and truly dropped now and I was starting to feel really uncomfortable.

"Well, Liam told us that you did" She told me, before quickly scribbling something down in her notebook.

"Well he would" I scoffed, shaking my head "Look, it's just my word against Liam's, believe whoever you want. I could not give less of a fuck"

Her mouth dropped open slightly and Graham sniggered next to me, I knew I'd be in the shit for saying that, but I honestly could not care less.

"Excuse me" I mumbled, getting up from my seat and exiting the room, going up the fire escape and sitting on the roof of the building.

I just really, really did not care anymore. Blur means everything to me, it is my absolute life but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up with the press for. All I want is to make music without the fame, I couldn't care less about being stopped in the streets. I had grabbed Damon's jacket from the hook as I left, I reached into the pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes, it didn't take me long to light one. I really wasn't a very big smoking fan, but I instantly felt better after that first drag. Having one fag every once in a while is hardly going to kill me.

"Smoking? You must be stressed" I heard a voice say, I turned around and saw Damon stood at by the ladder hatch, an awkward smile on his face as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"She was a twat" I mumbled, passing the cigarette to Damon once he sat down next to me.

"She definitely shagged Liam" He smirked, a small laugh escaping his lips. I looked across at him and glared, that was exactly what I wanted to hear. His smile disappeared slightly as he passed the cigarette back to me "sorry Lyla, I didn't mean-"

"-Not my problem anymore, is it?" I told him with a bitter laugh. He shifted uncomfortably next to me.

"I suppose not" He mumbled, taking another drag from the cigarette in my outstretched hand.

"I, I don't think I'm very happy anymore Damon" I stuttered, looking up to Damon to see his blue eyes staring at me, he closed his eyes and nodded his head, swallowing hard before speaking.

"I know you're not" He said quietly, placing his hand onto mine, our fingers interlocking.

"I don't know if I want to do this anymore" I whispered, I didn't dare look at Damon, I knew his face would he showing a hundred different emotions that I frankly wasn't ready for yet.

"What do you want to do love?" He whispered back to me, I'm not sure why we were whispering. It was almost as though we were saying things that were far too scary to say too loud.

"I don't know, I just want to disappear, I don't want people watching me anymore"

"Is this it? Is this your last album?" He asked me quietly, his voice cracking slightly. I couldn't look up at him, I knew he was crying but I couldn't possibly face that.

"No, no" I shook my head vigorously "I want to make music forever, I just don't want the press anymore"

He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, I could feel his heart beating and his breath on my neck.

"I just want to be happy again Damon" I whispered in his ear, I didn't realise I had started crying until I saw my tears hitting my leg.

"I'll make you happy, I promise. Just give me a few more months, once we're married we can run away, disappear for a while and just be together" he hadn't let go of me yet, we were both just wrapped up in each others arms, I could feel his tears on me and I'm sure he could feel mine too.

"It's not up to you though Dames, I can't rely on you for happiness, it'll end up killing us both" I sighed, pulling away from the hug so I could look at him. I almost immediately regretted it, his tear stained face and glassy eyes were heartbreaking to see.

"I love you Eliza, I love you with all of my heart and I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy"