Clean Criminal // l.s.

viii.

Louis woke up Monday morning, excited to have breakfast with Zayn until he realized he couldn't. So he sat at the table, staring at his full plate, not wanting to eat anything. He felt sick to his stomach, as if he were going to puke at any moment. So, he tried to shake that thought from out of his head. To him, Zayn was still here, a presence in his life.

Louis' mother had always joked around saying that Zayn was Louis' protector, his guardian angel. He'd ward off any bad that tried to weasel it's way into Louis' life and for that Louis was eternally grateful. He was glad he had a best friend that loved him so much, maybe even a bit more than he should have. 

A knock sounded from Louis' door and he was beginning to get tired of people constantly coming to his place. What was so special about him? Why couldn't things go back to normal? He slowly stood from his chair and made his way to the door, feeling awfully worried by who it could be. He was shocked to see who it was.

"Go away," Louis stated, repeating the phrase several times, "go away, go away, go away!" He pushed on Liam's chest to make him move out of the doorway, but his efforts were proved unsuccessful when Liam stepped into the apartment and closed the door.

"Look," Liam started, "I just wanted to stop by and say that I'm sorry you lost Zayn. He was a good guy, a great friend to you. I'm sorry that he won't be in your life for the rest of time, truly I am. I just wanted to tell you that I still want to be friends with you, Lou. I want to be able to come over, eat a bite and then talk with you." Liam let out a pathetic chuckle, "I want what Zayn always had."

Louis was conflicted. He's been waiting for Liam to come back for ages. He's been waiting for Liam to show up at his door, begging to become a part of Louis' life again. But this wasn't the time. Louis had Harry now and Harry was good to him. Harry respected him. Liam never did, he always wanted Louis to stay a secret.

"No on needs to know, love," Liam always said when they were together, "just you and me, yeah?"

Louis was foolish for nodding whenever Liam said that, but it had become a habit. And Liam had a habit of lying straight at Louis' face.

"No. You don't get to have that. You walked out! You called things off! I wanted to stay together. I wanted to love you for the rest of our lives, but you threw that all away when you fucking left me!" Louis yelled, becoming quite emotional. He really didn't want to cry, but having Liam stand right in front him, knowing that he could have killed his best friend, was not settling well for him. "You left me with Zayn. He was the only thing I had, Liam. The only person I could truly count on after that."

"And that's because he loved you! Don't you get that? He was so in love with you that it hurt seeing you with him. It hurt knowing that you could leave me at any point all for him. You should have seen the way he looked at you! He was head over heels for you and I was the guy in the way of that. And there was always something in me saying that you loved him too. That you wanted to kiss him and hug him just as much as he wanted to do the same things to you, so I left. And it was a fucking stupid decision, it really was," Liam rambled.

"Well, maybe you should find someone else to bother then, because I'm not dealing with this right now. Get out of my home, get out, get out, get out," Louis said, opening the door and waving good-bye to Liam.

Liam let out a sigh, "whatever you wish," he had taken a few steps before turning back to Louis, "and just a little tidbit of information for you: I didn't kill him."

.

Louis' hands were shaking as he washed the dishes from his lunch. They were uncontrollable and he was confused as to why it hadn't stopped. So he dropped the plate in the sink, washed his hands and then went to sit on the couch to watch a few episodes of Judge Judy. The shaking had not lessened and his legs were beginning to bounce up and down. He felt like his heart was going to come out of his chest. Why wasn't he in control?

Suddenly, he started thinking about Zayn. He could have saved Zayn. He could have let Zayn spend the night and then Zayn would have never left him forever. He could have insisted that Zayn stay to watch the television programs, but, instead, he had pushed Zayn out of his apartment, claiming that he didn't know what was right for him.

"Stupid!" Louis yelled at himself, hitting his forehead with his hand with every word, "stupid, stupid, stupid!" He started to cry and he began to breath more frantically.

This was all his fault. He had done this to Zayn. If he would have stopped acting like a baby, his best friend would still be here. He wouldn't be lonely. He wouldn't be screaming at himself and his whole body wouldn't be shaking.

He let out a sob as he curled into a ball on the couch, feeling as though his life was coming to an end. There was nothing he could do to fix this, there was nothing he could do at all. He was too late.

He continued to bawl, sadness and sorrow washing over him like a wave. He had suddenly felt what every normal person would be feeling. He felt lost, depressed, as if the sun would never rise again. He felt cheated out of his friendship. It was like God was playing a mean practical joke on him, waiting for Louis to laugh, but Louis wasn't laughing. And he felt like he might never laugh again.