"Can't believe he's been gone two years" my best friend Rachel lamented.
I rubbed the tattoo on my left wrist that I got last year in remembrance of Scott. It said "You + Me" in his writing. Then I looked over to the mantle where we keep the folded flag, my reminder that this really did happen, he was gone.
"Yeah, no I can't believe it either" I responded quietly.
"Are you gonna be okay today?" she asked as she set her mug in the kitchen sink, then turned to look at me. Her long black hair was pulled into a tight pony tail, and her face was perfectly done like usual.
I looked up at her and smiled, "I'll be fine" I lied.
"Okay! I'll see you tonight at Lucky's" she said before hugging me on her way out the door for work.
As she shut the door I hopped off my stool and went to my room. Scott passed away exactly two years ago, and I feel like I've just been going through the motions since. I took the day off work so I could have some time to myself and go see my mom.
After his funeral I ran away. My mom found me walking along side of the road. She tried to take me home but I begged her to take me back to my apartment. I couldn't face Andrew, not after realizing that I had ended my relationship with Scott because of my undisclosed feelings for him.
My mom, the amazing woman that she is, drove three hours just because I needed her to. I packed my bag, left a note for Rachel and Dani and then left to Burbank Airport. It took twice as long to get there compared to LAX, but I couldn't go to the place I last saw Scott.
I bought myself a ticket to the only place that was boarding, New York. I had no idea what I'd do when I got there, but at least I knew I'd be far from any reminder of Scott or Andrew for that matter.
I haven't talked to Andrew much since that day in the treehouse. The guilt of my betrayal to Scott consumed me. Every time I looked at Andrew and his dark brown eyes, I froze up.
He should probably hate me now, since I've managed to push him away as far as I could. But it didn't stop him from trying, for a while, to talk to me. He came over that night I got back from New York.
After two weeks of traveling alone and giving myself time to grieve, I thought maybe I could face him. But when he showed up at my door, I realized just by looking at him, the guilt was too much. I shut the door in his face and avoided him as best as I could since.
I sat down on my bed where my pug dog Lola was laying. "Hi Lola!" I squealed as I squished her face, "you wanna go for a drive?" I grabbed her leash and hooked it onto her collar, "c'mon, let's go!" I tugged.
I opened the front door and then slammed it shut when I saw Andrew outside. I stood, with my back against the door and waited for him to leave. Instead there was a knock causing me to jump and Lola began to bark.
"Casey?" Andrew called out. I didn't answer, maybe he didn't actually see me? "Case I know you're in there" he seemed to read my mind. I opened the door slightly, just enough to see him. His dark hair was a little longer than he normally kept it, and he still maintained the stubble of hair along his face.
He searched for me through the crack of the door, his big brown eyes made my heart beat faster. "Casey please? Can you just give me a minute?" he pleaded, his voice was soft and caring. I opened the door just a little bit more, and Lola squeezed through.
"Hey Lola!" he kneeled down to pet her before looking up at me through his thick, dark lashes and smiled. His dimples were barely visible behind the stubble of black of facial hair.
My knees buckled and Andrew quickly stood and grabbed my waist to steady me. I immediately recoiled from his touch, but the warmth from his hand lingered. Andrew frowned at my reaction and shoved his hands in his pockets.
"Uh thanks!" I quickly muttered. Ugh what is wrong with me?!
"Look, I just wanted to give this to you today" he said, and reached into his back pocket, handing me an unmarked CD in a clear case.
I looked at it in his hands, confused.
"I know mix cds aren't really a thing anymore, but I figured you could have something to listen to on your drive" he explained.
"Oh" was all I could say as he stood there still holding the CD. How did he know I would be going to see my mom?
"Um, I'll just uh, leave this here for you" he said, setting the disk onto the ground next to Lola.
"Okay" I responded. I wanted to say more but what could I say to him? Sorry I have feelings for you that I can't act upon because the guilt is so debilitating I can hardly breath?
Andrew backed away and gave me a half smile, "okay I'll uh— I'll see you around."
I waited until he disappeared before picking up the CD, staring at it. I don't understand how he could still want to try. Part of me wishes he would stop, so I wouldn't have to see his expression every time I push him away. The other part of me, the part that I try to shove away, loves that he still cares after all this time. I tugged Lola's leash and we headed towards my car.
Once inside I slid the CD into the player. The first song that started was one I didn't recognize, but it was nice. The music was melancholic, but some of the words are what stood out:
"So come hearts that are scared and alone
Let love give you warmth in the cold
Let faith and hope lead you on
Let joy be the theme of your song"
I never made it to the next song. I listened to this one on repeat for the whole hour of my drive. I don't know why, but it brought me so much comfort, like it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Finally, I pulled into my mother's driveway. She moved last year to a small town called Acton, just an hour North of Long Beach.
She wanted to be closer to me, but didn't want to live in the city. It was a nice rural town, but too small for my liking. Either way, I was happy to have her much closer.
Peter and her bought a cute three bedroom house in one of the newer housing developments. It was definitely nicer than our last place, just a smaller yard. Which also meant saying goodbye to the treehouse.
I fought my mom trying to hold onto anything I could that I shared with Scott, especially that treehouse. That was a hard day when she officially sold the house, but in retrospect it was necessary. I was never gonna let it go myself. Doesn't make it any easier.
"C'mon Lola" I called for her to hop out of the car. I gave her a minute to relieve herself when my mom came out.
"Hi sweetie!" she exclaimed like she always does and pulled me in for a hug. "And how's my grand puppy?"
"Ew, mom that's not a thing" I teased as she bent down to pet Lola.
She laughed at my comment and stood up, "come in! Peter is making an early lunch."
I walked in and saw Peter who was at the stove. "Hey Case!" he called out over his shoulder as Lola ran to meet him.
"Hey Peter! How are you?" I walked up to him and gave him a hug.
"I'm hanging in, how are you kiddo?" he asked.
I took a seat at the small table right next to the kitchen, "I'm okay."
"Just okay?" he raised an eyebrow.
I smiled, "I'm hanging in" using his own words instead.
He laughed, "fair enough."
"It smells so good babe!" my mom came back into the room and sat down with me.
"It's almost ready!" he exclaimed.
"So" my mom directed her attention to me, "how are you handling today."
I shrugged, "it's easier than last year I guess" I started to bite my nails. My mom gently pulled my hand away from my face.
"But how are you handling it sweetie?" she asked again.
"I'm not running away if that's what you're asking mom."
"Good. It doesn't do you any good to run away from things" she said matter of factly.
We were quite for a moment, "mom?" I finally started, "will I ever feel normal again?" I asked.
She let out a breath, "I don't think we ever feel normal after losing someone we love. We just find a new normal."
"I-I don't know how to do that" I confessed.
"You just gotta start living your life Case. You're never gonna find your new normal by closing yourself off" she pointed out.
I slumped into my seat, "the last time I chose to 'live my life' I ended up—"
"Casey Rae" my mom interrupted, "you need to stop blaming yourself sweetie. What happened was not your fault."
"I know" I whispered while rubbing my wrist.
"Alright ladies, here we go!" Peter said, as he laid plates of food down on the table.
"Thank you Peter it looks great!" I complimented, picking up the grilled chicken panini he made.
"Yes dear, it looks delicious!" my mom added and gave Peter a kiss.
"Aw, anything for my two favorite girls" he beamed.
I watched the love between my mom and Peter with awe. He has been so incredible to my mom these last four years. And I will always be grateful for his help after Scott passed.
My mom deserved to be loved by some one like Peter. After my dad broke her, I never thought she would trust a man again, but seeing her so happy made me happy.
I want that someday. I hope that at some point, the pain and the guilt that I carry will ease, and someone will love me the way Peter and my mom love each other. The way Scott loved me. I wiped away a small tear that made its way out before they were looking, thankful that this was a tear of joy and not sadness.
After we finished eating and caught my mom up on my job, I decided it was time to head back.
"You have to leave already?" my mom complained as she pulled me in for another hug.
"Yeah, everyone's meeting tonight to celebrate Scott" I explained.
"Aw well you tell those kids 'hi' for me okay? Oh wait, I have something for you, give me one second" she darted out of the room.
As soon as she was out of sight Peter turned to me, "Casey can I ask you something?" he whispered.
My mom reappeared a minute later with a little brown bag. "What is this?" I asked.
"It's just a little outfit for Lola!"
"Mom!"
"Just send me a picture of her in it, that's all I want. And make sure you text me so I know you made it home safe!"
I laughed, "I will, love you guys" I exclaimed as I got into my car with Lola.
After I took one last look at my mom and Peter waving goodbye from their front porch, I smiled as they teased each other on the way back into the house. I started my car and replayed that song again until I reached the bar. For the first time in a long time, I felt almost good.
