"Can I get you anything?" I asked my mom,as she took a seat at the kitchen table.
"Coffee would be great!" she smiled. I poured her a mug of coffee, and grabbed the container of creamer from the refrigerator. "Thank you sweetie" my mom said as she stirred her coffee.
"So, did you guys set a date?" I asked, joining her at the table that was covered in wedding magazines and brochures.
"We did! We are thinking this November" she answered taking a sip.
"This November?" I gasped.
She laughed, "yes Casey, I'm too old to wait much longer."
"You're not old mom"
"Good answer" she teased. "So tell me, have you been taking my advice since I saw you a few weeks ago?"
"Actually I have" I took a sip of my own coffee, feeling somewhat proud that I have been trying.
She raised her brow, "really?".
"Yeah, I had drinks with some of my co workers" I explained.
"And?" she prodded.
"And?"
"How about your own friends? Have you spent much time with them?"
"Yeah, I mean Rachel and I always hang out. And Jenny came by my work just the other day for lunch" I sounded sure of myself.
Based on my mom's expression, she wasn't impressed.
"What mom? I mean I'm trying" I pleaded.
"I know you are Casey, I just worry about you. We all do. I'm happy to hear that you are starting to enjoy the little things in life again, but I'm afraid you're going to miss out on all the big things."
I nodded, taking in her words "So, do you know where you want to have the wedding?" I asked, desperate to move on.
"Yes actually, there is a cute little place in town that hosts beautiful weddings." She pulled out a brochure, "we thought we could have the ceremony outside where all these trees are, and then have the reception inside."
I looked at the pictures, it was beautiful and rustic. "It's perfect mom" I cooed.
"I'm glad you like it because I'd love for you to be my maid of honor!" she beamed.
"Of course mom!" I exclaimed, "I'd be honored."
She pulled me into a hug and squeezed tightly. "Good! Now let's start planning!" She cheered.
"Well, I do know a pretty amazing photographer" I offered.
"I was hoping you'd say that!"
We both spent the day planning out as much as we could of my mom's wedding. We didn't have much time, but thankfully not many people choose to get married in November.
I was putting away the small file I had made to keep track of our plans, when Jack came home.
"Hey Case" he said as he set his keys on the table we had by the door.
"Hey Jack" I responded and sat down on the couch.
Jack walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of beer. "So Andrew was gonna come by tonight, just wanted to let you know." He sat down on the other side of the couch.
"Um okay, I'll just watch tv in my room" I answered, and handed him the remote.
"You don't have to do that you know?" Jack stated seriously, which was unlike his normal, sarcastic behavior.
"Do what?" I asked as I stood up.
"You don't have to hide from him" his gaze was on the tv.
"I'm not" I lied.
Jack just laughed, "no you're right, you just walk away anytime he comes near you."
"I do not" I argued, not sure who I was trying to convince more, me or him.
"Okay, then prove it" he patted to the couch, "sit".
"What?"
"You heard me, sit down" he goaded.
"I uh- how is that gonna prove anything?" I argued.
"Hey, your the one who denied hiding from Andrew" he sat back into the couch and flipped through the channels.
I didn't move. It's not like I purposely hide from Andrew, I just don't know how to be around him anymore. He always had a way of making me feel good around him, and that scared me.
The front door opened and Andrew stepped inside. My heart leapt.
"Oh, hey Casey" Andrew said nervously, "I didn't know you'd be here" he glanced at Jack.
"She was just leaving" Jack quipped.
"Oh" Andrew's face fell as he shoved his hands in his pockets like usual.
"I don't—" I tried to argue but my mom's face popped into my head from earlier. The look of concern she had for me. I sighed and then sat back down on the couch. Andrew just stood there, unsure of what was happening.
Jack moved away from me and patted to the center of the couch, "are you gonna sit?" he looked up at Andrew.
"Um, yeah?" he sounded confused. Andrew sat down between Jack and I. He smelled clean, like he just took a shower. I looked down at my hands, unsure of what to do.
"The game starts in a few minutes" Jack stood up, "I'm gonna get something to eat, you want anything?" he looked at the both of us.
"No" we both said in unison.
Jack went into the kitchen leaving me alone with Andrew on the couch. After a few moments of awkward silence, Andrew spoke.
"Rachel said your mom came by, how is she?"
"She's good" I kept my gaze locked on the tv, afraid to look at him.
"Oh, good" he replied. "Have they set a date?"
"Yup" What was taking Jack so long? I looked over to the kitchen where he was pouring chips onto a plate.
"And?" Andrew continued to press.
"And what?" Seriously was he making a four course meal in there?
"And when's the date?" Andrew clarified.
"Oh, um it's November 11th" I answered.
Andrew laughed, and as I reflex I turned to look at him. I guess I didn't realize how close we were because his face was only inches from mine now.
I froze as his eyes met mine, he didn't move either. His brows furrowed as neither one of us said anything for over a minute. My heart raced faster and faster and I'm pretty sure you could hear it beating from across the room.
Ugh, why does he do this to me? My heart raced a million miles an hour every time I see him. I hated that I felt this way. I shouldn't have feelings for Andrew, I can't. It's been two years, why haven't they gone away yet?
I continued to yell at myself in my head when Andrew spoke up, "Casey?"
The way my name sounded coming from him gave me goosebumps, and for a short moment I forgot about everything. My guilt, the pain I've been holding onto and the regrets I've made. They were all lost on me as my body instinctively moved closer to Andrew.
"Casey" he repeated. I snapped back to reality, and all that pain and regret crashed back into me. I stood up as fast as I could, I needed to get away.
"Where are you going?" Jack finally decided to come back into the room. I looked around helplessly for an excuse to leave.
"She's gonna take Lola for a walk" Andrew interjected.
"Oh" Jack seemed disappointed and sat down with a plate full of nachos. I didn't say anything, I just hooked Lola's leash up, grabbed my purse and walked outside.
Once we were at a good distance away from my building I sat down on a bench nearby.
"What is wrong with me?" I whined as I placed my head in my hands. This is why I stay away from Andrew, I reminded myself. It's always been so easy to let my guard down around him, and I can't do that.
I searched my purse for the pack of cigarettes I kept hidden in there. An ugly little habit I picked up in New York after Scott passed.
Flicking the lighter, I took a long drag of the cigarette. My nerves calmed with every draw as I tried to convince myself that I can't let my guard down like that again. I needed to stay away from Andrew. I don't know how, when he is everywhere. Perfectly entangled in my life so that no matter where I turn, he is right there.
After walking around the complex a few times, I figured it was safe to return home. Jack was still sitting on the couch but at least Andrew was gone.
"That was one hell of a walk" Jack teased.
"Shut up" I replied, looking around the apartment.
"He left" Jack answered the question I was thinking. "You lasted longer than I expected, I have to give you that." I sat down on the couch and Jack turned off the tv before facing me. "Will you at least admit it now that you hide from him?"
I rolled my eyes in response.
"You know, when I first met you, you guys were like best friends. What changed?" he inquired.
"Nothing changed" I insisted.
"Bull" he challenged.
I breathed out. "Why is it such a big deal anyways? Who cares if Andrew and I are friends."
"I do" Jack responded quickly and loudly, sitting up.
"Why?" I responded just as quick.
"Because he's in—"
"Jack!" Rachel yelled from across the room. I looked over at her, she was standing in a towel and her hair was dripping. "Room, now!" she commanded.
Jack sighed and rubbed his eyes, "yeah, I'm coming" he grunted and followed Rachel into the room.
I could hear their muffled arguing from the
couch as I tried to listen in, but could only make out a few words when there was a light knock at the door. I opened the door and then slammed it
closed when I saw Andrew.
"Casey" he called out. I didn't move. It's already been a long day and I wasn't strong enough to deal with Andrew, especially after my momentary lapse in judgement on the couch earlier. Im supposed to be staying away from him.
"Casey please talk to me" he said through the door.
"I can't" I said quietly.
"Please Casey?" his voice cracked.
The ongoing war inside me continued to rage on. I wanted so badly to tell Andrew everything, but I know if I did he would tell me just what I wanted to hear. He would try to make me feel better like he always did.
I didn't deserve to feel better. I ended my relationship with Scott because of the way Andrew unknowingly made me feel. I left him feeling all alone when he needed me most.
"Okay" he sounded like he gave up, "I just want to know what I did wrong" he added.
I slid down to the floor, my back against the door. I wanted to tell him he did nothing wrong, that he was perfect and that it was all me. I could see myself opening up the door to him, but every time I picture it, I picture Scott's face, broken because I gave up on him.
