I was able to spend a couple of hours with my grandparents before they decided to head back to their hotel. After that, I had to find a new way to keep my distance and thoughts from Andrew.
I stood at the bar and watched as my mom and Peter danced around their friends and family. I've never seen her so happy and fulfilled.
"Hey" I heard Andrew as he approached.
"Hey" I responded quickly and went back to watching my mom, afraid to engage too much and give Andrew the wrong impression again.
"Would you wanna dance?" he asked nervously. I looked over to see if his hands were in his pockets, and sure enough they were. I smiled at the thought.
"I don't know if that—"
"As friends?" he interjected. I didn't miss the way he used my words against me.
I shrugged, "um yeah, I guess" I tried to sound uninterested.
We walked to the dance floor when Andrew grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. He placed my hand around his neck and then slowly grazed his fingers down my arm and side, wrapping his arm around my waist.
My breathing hitched as he did this, the way he was so firm with me. Andrew is gentle and almost timid. I think mainly because of how Leah treated him. It was always intriguing to see him act this way.
"You look stunning tonight" he complimented as we swayed slowly to the music.
"Thank you" I kept my tone short, fighting as hard as I could to stay strong.
"You're welcome" he said softly. I did my best to keep a distance between us, but the warmth of his body and the soft smell of his cologne made it challenging.
We stayed quiet for most of the dance when Andrew asked, "why are you avoiding me tonight?"
"I'm not" I lied.
He pulled back to look at me and smiled, "you're lying."
It's not fair that he can do that. "You and Dani look nice together" I tried the same deflection as earlier.
"Why is it so important to you for Dani and I to go out?"
"Because, I told you, you guys are my friends"
"No, you're just using that as an excuse" he shot back. I stared at him speechless. How can he know me so well? I've done everything I can to close myself off from him for over two years. Yet here he is, chipping away at the walls I've built around myself.
The song ended and I took the opportunity to end our dance. Without a word, I walked away.
It was time for my mom and Peter to leave and I couldn't have been more grateful for the timing. I was exhausted and still hung over. On top of the drama with Andrew, I just wanted to go home.
"I love you so much sweetie!" my mom hugged me goodbye before joining Peter in the limo.
"Have a great trip you guys!" I exclaimed and shut the door. I went straight to my own car afterwards to go home. I'd have the apartment to myself and I couldn't wait to curl up with Lola and eat some ice cream.
Once I got home, I slipped into some black yoga pants and a white oversized sweater. It was cozy and warm after being in a dress all night. Lola was curled up on the couch and I went to get my ice cream from the freezer. I was ready to curse Jack when I saw that it was gone, but was interrupted when there was a knock on the door.
I opened it and then slammed it shut when I saw Andrew. "I thought we were past the slamming doors in my face thing?" he said through the door.
I sighed, and opened it back up. Andrew was still in his suit, but his tie loosened and he was holding a white plastic bag.
"If you tell me you have ice cream I'm gonna start checking the place for cameras"
He laughed, "it's a peace offering." I rolled my eyes and invited him in. He walked to the kitchen and set the bag on the counter.
"In my defense, I saw Jack eating the ice cream this morning" he explained as he removed a pint of rocky road from the bag along with two bottles of beer.
"What's the beer for?" I asked
He grabbed two spoons from the drawer and handed me one. "You don't remember?"
I smiled when I realized the night he was referring to. When he first moved back and we ran into each other at the Quick Stop.
"Would of got Smirnoff but then it wouldn't be the same" I sat on top of the counter and opened the ice cream. Andrew stood next to me, his back against the counter.
"I forgot about that night" I lamented.
"It was nice. I remember going home feeling happy for the first time in a long time" he recalled as he opened a beer and handed it to me.
I took a little sip before setting it down. "Me too" I confessed. It was a good night. Well, kind of, since it was the same night I found out Scott was reenlisting.
We took turns taking a bite of ice cream, when Andrew looked down and said, "I'm not going out with Dani."
"Why?" I sounded offended.
"You know why Case" his gaze still on the ground.
I hoped off the counter, "no."
"No what?" he finally looked at me.
"No, you can be with Dani, she likes you and she is amazing!" I tried to argue.
He didn't respond.
I walked into the living room, I needed to create some space. "She's not you" I heard him quietly say from the kitchen.
My heart leapt into my throat. She's not me, he's right. She's better. Dani isn't broken like I am. When I didn't respond, he followed me into the living room. At this point, tears were forming as I tried to shove my feelings for him as far down as they will go.
"I think you should go" I walked to the door, my voice was shaky.
"Casey would you please stop pushing me away?" he pleaded.
"I can't" I choked. Why wasn't he getting it? I can't be with him.
"Why? Just tell me why!" his voice was louder now.
"I can't do that!" my voice began to rise as well, I opened the door.
He looked at the door then back to me, "no you are lying to me about something" he argued. Standing firm in his spot, he added "Just be honest with me!"
"It doesn't matter!" I yelled as he moved closer.
"It matters to me! Why do you keep pushing me away?" he yelled back.
"Because I'm not supposed to love you" I shouted and then covered my mouth, not meaning to actually say those words out loud.
Andrew didn't move again, he just stared at me, "you love me?"
I dropped my hands, "seriously Andrew, I need you to go, now!" I cried. He thought about that for a moment and then reached behind me to shut the door.
Once it closed, he pulled me to him, one hand on the small my back, the other the back of my neck, and he kissed me. He didn't move slowly, and he did not ease into it like we've sort of done in the past. He just pressed his soft, full lips to mine.
I wanted to fight him, I knew I should fight. But the sensation of his lips crushed against mine overwhelmed me and took over. I wrapped my arms around his neck and parted my lips. He deepened the kiss, as our breathing quickened.
Andrew pushed his body against mine, pinning me to the door. I laced my fingers through his thick black hair, enjoying how soft it felt. His hands glided down my waist to my thighs, and he picked me up, wrapping my legs around his waist, as he held me against the door. He released my lips, but continued to kiss down my neck and back up. My body tingled everywhere his lips touched, and the stubble of facial hair he had scratched in a satisfying way. I used this opportunity to try and reason with him.
"Andrew" my voice was thick. He pulled back to look at me, intensity in his eyes that's I've never seen before. "We can't do this" I finished.
Andrew set me down on the ground, but he still had me pinned to the door. With one hand held above me to hold himself up, the other he used to push my hair back.
"How can you say that?" he asked softly.
"Because" I breathed, "I don't deserve you" I looked down. He moved his hand under my chin and lifted my face towards his. I thought he was going to say something but instead he pressed his lip to mine again. But this time, he was gentle and slow. This kiss was much shorter, and sweeter. When he stopped, he didn't back away this time, but rested his forehead on mine.
"I've wanted to do that for so long" his voice was gravelly.
"Andrew, I can't" my voice was barely audible. There's no going back from this. My guilt and pain was at war with my heart in a losing battle. Andrew caressed my cheek with his fingers, his eyes searched mine. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the couch.
"Sit" he politely demanded. I obliged, not really sure of anything at this point.
"I'm not going anywhere Casey. Know that" he looked directly at me, "so tell me what's going on?"
I looked down at my hands that were now interlaced with Andrew's. His hands were so different than Scott's. Not better or worse, just different. And just like Scott's hands, Andrew's fit perfectly in mine.
"Please Casey?" he asked again.
"You might hate me" I warned. He should, I couldn't even stand by Scott. Andrew is all about commitment. What will he think when I tell him I couldn't commit to Scott when he needed me most?
"Case, you've literally walked away from me mid conversation. You've shut the door in my face countless times! And you've had me losing my mind for over two years while I tried to figure out what I did wrong"
I looked down again, embarrassed at the way I treated him. He lifted my chin so he could look me in the eyes. "There is nothing you can say or do right now that will make me hate you" he finished.
I took a deep breath. Maybe if I tell him, he really will see that I'm no good. Maybe this is what I need to do to help him move on.
"I broke up with Scott, before he passed" I confessed. I waited for Andrew to say something. He didn't respond, so I kept going.
"I decided I couldn't wait for him any longer. I was selfish and didn't want to sit around missing him anymore. Although that's exactly what I ended up doing anyways, so I broke his heart all for nothing" I laughed dryly.
"You're not selfish Casey" Andrew objected.
"Yeah, yeah I am" I corrected, "and to make matters worse, I realized after the funeral that I had feelings for you."
"Oh" he looked down this time. He would finally realize why we can't be together, that I was a terrible person who didn't deserve love. I had it and I ruined it, and you shouldn't get a second chance when you destroy something so priceless.
