I haven't been to Lucky's more than a handful of times since I lost Scott. It served as another reminder of the bad choices I made before. I stood outside, staring up at the black lettering above the door. Taking a deep breath, I walked inside.
Lucky's was a great spot, don't get me wrong. It had almost an industrial-gothic look. The black bar with matching pillars and trim was eye catching when you first walk in. Exposed brick and and beige walls surrounded the room, and deep red padded booths added a pop of color.
Andrew maintained most of the original design when he took over, but updated the paint to give the whole place a fresher look. From what I've heard, the bar continues to do well under his ownership.
"Hey!" Rachel and Jenny cheered when they noticed me walking towards them.
"Sorry I'm late, I had to drop Lola off at home" I explained and took a seat next to Rachel in the booth.
Jack was on the other side of her, Jenny and Caleb next to him. "We ordered some food for the table" Jenny mentioned.
"So, how's Peter and your mom?" Rachel asked.
"Good! Really good"
"That's good!" Rachel teased at my repeat of the word 'good'.
I laughed.
"What's good?" Andrew asked as he set out a pitcher of beer on the table with a few glasses. He then set a clear bottle in front of me and sat down next to Caleb.
"Casey was just telling us how 'good' her mom and Peter are doing" Jack answered.
I stared down at the bottle of Smirnoff in front of me. My heart raced, the moment I heard his voice. First the CD this morning, and now he remembers my favorite drink. I looked up and saw him staring at me, like he was waiting to see what I would do. I panicked and turned to Caleb, "my mom says your parents are considering moving now?"
"Yeah actually I'm trying to convince them to do it. That way I don't have to drive three hours to see them!" Caleb explained. I peeked at Andrew who was looking down now.
Rachel must have noticed, she nudged me then gestured to the drink. I rolled my eyes at her, but wrapped my hand around the bottle anyways. I played with the label before finally taking a small sip.
"Was that so hard?" Rachel whispered. I peeked at Andrew again, he was still looking down but now he was smiling. A young brunette waitress came and set down plates of appetizers on the table.
"Here you guys go! Let me know if there's anything else I can get ya!" she offered before looking at Andrew.
"Thanks Amber!" he said politely and looked back down. Amber lingered for a moment before walking away.
"So Andrew, new waitress?" Jack said wagging his brow once she was out of earshot.
Andrew blushed, "shut up Jack, I'm not looking to sleep with all my waitresses" he protested, like it wasn't the first time Jack insinuated.
"Hey, I never said you had to sleep with all of them" Jack played innocent.
Rachel punched Jack in the arm, "babe do you ever shut up?"
"I'm just saying, my brother hasn't been with anyone since Leah, and what was that what, like four years ago?" he continued.
"And I'm out!" Andrew declared as he stood up. His gaze met mine and I looked back down at my bottle before he walked to the bar.
"Jack! Leave your brother alone!" Jenny reprimanded.
"What? It's not my fault he doesn't know how to let go of things" Jack quipped as he took a bite of his mozzarella stick.
Jenny reached over and smacked Jack upside his head while Rachel gave him a pointed look.
"Hey!" Caleb cheered. We followed his gaze to Camron who just walked in. He stopped to say hi to Andrew behind the bar before joining us at our booth.
"Hey!" he exclaimed, as he took a seat next to Caleb.
"Hey Camron!" I greeted him.
"Casey! You're here!" he said almost like a question.
I laughed, "yeah I'm here."
"Well I'm glad, this wouldn't be the same without you" he beamed.
Andrew came back to the table and stopped when he realized Camron was now in his spot. He looked at me and then shoved his hands in his pocket.
"Here Andrew, we'll scoot down" Rachel quickly offered, and started to push Jack over. "C'mon Casey, move down so Andrew can sit" she commanded.
"Um I—" I stuttered before Rachel interrupted me.
"It's fine Casey just move next to me" she almost growled. I obliged and scooted as close to Rachel as I could.
Andrew hesitated before he sat down. I kept my eyes trained on my drink, as I could feel the heat from his body emanating off him. The smell of his cologne wafted around me. I didn't realize I was holding my breath when Rachel nudged me, "you can relax Case" her voice was barely audible.
I breathed out and tried to force my body to relax
"So" Caleb began, "as you know, we are all here to celebrate one hell of a guy. He gave his life for our freedom, and tonight we remember him."
"Here, here!" Camron cheered as he held up his mug of beer.
"To Scotty!" Rachel exclaimed.
"To Scotty!!" everyone else cheered in unison.
I held my bottle and then set it back down on the table, when I realized everyone was looking at me.
"Oh um" I grabbed my bottle again and held it up, "uh, I'll never stop missing him. He really was one hell of a guy and I'll always be grateful that he loved me" I tried to keep my voice steady, but it faltered at the end.
Everyone continued to look at me, they looked sorrowful, but honestly it just made me feel pathetic.
"To Scott Davis" Andrew toasted.
"To Scott Davis!" everyone cheered in unison once again. I took a small sip from my bottle and set it back down.
Soon everyone took turns sharing their favorite "Scott Memory." I did my best to pay attention and stay engaged, but it wasn't easy. I just wanted to go home.
My mom's words rang in my head, "You're never gonna find your new normal by closing yourself off."I looked over at Andrew and took a deep breath.
"Um, the CD" I said quietly, not sure if he actually heard me.
Apparently, he did because he immediately turned towards me, "did you like it?" he asked nervously.
"I liked the first song" I replied, my voice was still quiet.
"Oh" he looked down, I don't think he was happy with my answer.
"I um, I didn't get past the first song, because I listened to it on repeat. The whole way there and back" I confessed, slightly embarrassed now that I'm admitting it out loud.
He looked up and smiled, "yeah?"
I nodded and began to bite my nails while staring at my drink.
"There Is Love" he stated.
"Huh?" I looked at him, his eyes were big like he was excited, but trying to contain it.
"That's what the song is called, 'There Is Love' by Fort Atlantic" he explained.
"Okay" I responded. I looked around and realized everyone at the table was looking at us, "what?" I asked.
"Nothing" Jenny responded first.
"We thought you guys were sharing something" Caleb added.
"Oh, no" I quickly corrected.
No one responded, they just kept looking. My phone rang and I was relieved for the distraction. "I need to take this" I explained as I tried to leave the booth. Andrew quickly moved out of my way and I stood up. "Thanks" I quietly muttered and walked outside.
"Hey mom!" I tried to sound surprised, knowing exactly why she was calling me.
"Casey you're not gonna believe it!" she yelled excitedly into the phone.
"What's wrong?" I played along
"Peter proposed!"
"What? Mom that's amazing!" this time I responded genuinely. While I knew it was Peter's plan to propose, I was still happy for my mom.
"So you're okay with it?" her voice dropped just a little.
"Of course mom! I love Peter! And you deserve to be happy" I explained.
"Did you know he was gonna ask?"
"He asked me for my blessing earlier"
"Oh that man!" she laughed.
"Mom, I really am happy for you!" I reiterated.
"Thank you sweetie! It means so much!" she expressed.
"We'll go have fun with your fiancé!" I exclaimed, dragging out the word fiancé for dramatic effect.
My mom laughed, "you have fun with your friends Case. Remember to start letting them back in okay?"
I let out a breath, "I'm trying."
"Well, try harder sweetie" she gently teased.
"Thanks mom!" I laughed.
"I love you Casey"
"I love you too mom."
I ended the call and looked back into Lucky's. All my friends sitting around, laughing and talking, why was I having so much trouble letting my self back in?
Two years I've been keeping them all at a distance. Two years I've felt like I was on the outside looking in, just like I am now. I had to laugh at the irony of it all. I told Scott I couldn't give him another two years of waiting around missing him, worrying about him.
Yet, here I am, celebrating two years of missing him. Except this time there was nothing to look forward to. No special homecoming, no hearing his sweet laughter. No warm embrace, or smelling his cologne as he held me in his arms.
I hated that I was forgetting the little details, like the way his thick hair felt between my fingers, or the way his eyes looked almost golden in the sunlight. I missed the way my hand felt in his, so small compared to his big hand. I don't know how long I stood outside, staring in. At some point Rachel came out.
"Everything okay Case?" She asked. I shook my head and looked down, tears beginning to form.
"Peter proposed to my mom" I deflected.
"That's great! Right?"
I nodded still looking down, "I'm so happy for them!"
"You don't look very happy" Rachel pointed out.
I took in a deep breath before looking up to her, "Rach, when is this gonna stop hurting?"
Rachel pulled me in for a hug, "I don't know" she replied softly.
"Everyone is so happy in there remembering him,
but I—" my words caught in my throat.
"Everyone grieves differently Case" she said rubbing my back.
"I just want to feel normal again" I admitted.
"You're getting there, you just gotta take it a day at time" she said, releasing me.
I sniffled, "my mom says I need to start letting everyone else back in, but I feel like I'm always bringing everyone down."
"We love you Casey. We all just wanna be there for you" she consoled.
"I know" I admitted.
"I saw you talking to Andrew in there, that was a good start" she nudged my side.
"No, he just, he gave me a CD" I started to bite my nails.
Rachel grabbed my hand, "Casey, what happened between the two of you?" she looked into my eyes, searching for any kind of answer.
"Nothing" I replied with my go-to response every time she asked.
"When are you going to realize I know you're lying?" she breathed out.
"It's nothing Rach" I was adamant.
"You both are so stubborn!"
"What do you mean?" Why would she say 'you both'?
"Every time I ask Andrew about it, he just says the same thing, when clearly something happened between the two of you" she said matter of factly.
"Oh" was all I could reply. I wanted to know what he thought, but that part of me that keeps fighting its way to the surface, knew not to go down that road.
I've replayed that day in the tree house a million times. How nice Andrew made me feel, how he always made me feel. The overwhelming emotions that I didn't realize I had for him. And then the crushing guilt that washed over me for feeling that way. He still looks at me the same way he did when I told him I had to go. Confused, rejected and hurt.
"Why don't you get some rest Case, it's been a long day" she encouraged.
I gave her a grateful look, "thanks Rachel!"
"I'll see you at home" she said over her shoulder as she went back into the bar. I took one more look at my friends, taking comfort in the fact that they were at least happy.
