Golden [h.s.]

59. time

🎵These Four Walls — Little Mix

I lay my head against the window, watching the sun rise in the distance as the car speeds down the highway. The sky is a faint orange, the world seeming to come back to life after a long night of darkness.

Only, it doesn't feel like I'm alive. I feel empty.

The past two days have been a whirlwind of emotions; or lack of, I should say.

After I stormed out of Harry's suite in London, I called Lydia as I waited for a taxi. I explained to her everything that happened as quickly as I could on the way to the airport.

She was fuming; she even offered to go to his apartment and slit his tires, which made me laugh between the tears. She promised me she'd be there as soon as I landed back home.

Home. I used to think Harry was home. When I think of him now, it's as if my mind doesn't want to accept that he isn't. It still feels like he's home to me. It's pathetic of me to want nothing more than to run back to London and be in his arms and have him whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

But that's just it — his words are nothing and he isn't home anymore.

It's weird. I've always said Harry and I were like magnets, always being pulled to one another. I still have that pulling sensation somewhere deep inside me, wanting to go back to his side. Where I belong. Belonged.

Lydia kept her promise. She was there waiting for me at the airport and squeezed me so hard when I walked out the doors.

Which is how I'm now here, staring out the window as we cross the bridge into the city. I feel numb. I don't think I have any more tears left to cry; I cried the entire flight home.

I'm exhausted and I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel. I'm pathetic because all I can think about is him.

"Did you hear me, Ella?" Lydia nudges me with her elbow, interrupting me from my thoughts. I turn to face her.

"Hm?"

"I asked if you want us to get some coffee or some donuts before we head home," Lydia says, glancing worriedly over at me.

"Oh," I reply, shaking my head slightly. "I'm not hungry." I turn my head back towards the window, focusing on the movement of the water as we cross the river.

"You gotta eat something, Ella," Lydia says softly, but I shake my head again.

"Maybe later."

I reach instinctly for my phone, but Lydia insisted on me shutting it off and giving it to her. She said she already spoke to Luke and explained why I would be out from work for a bit longer than I had originally told him.

I slouch back in my seat, leaning my forehead against the window again. I don't know how long it takes for us to arrive to my apartment building, but we soon do, and Ella parks in front.

"Come on," she says, unlocking the doors. I press the handle and step out, heading to the trunk to grab my suitcase.

I walk aimlessly, just following Lydia as she leads the way through the lobby and into the elevator. I feel sick — remembering the way Harry would kiss me in this same elevator before the doors would open.

We step out and I follow Lydia as I hand her the key to my apartment. She opens the door and I pull my suitcase in.

I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness as I stand by the front door. Even being in my apartment is too much for me.