The Inside Scoop (Kacchako Fanfic)

On and On and On

Sweat drips down my forehead as my erratic breathing continues. I can feel the color draining from my skin as my stomach plummets. My senses are sharper than ever as my conciousness jumps to the highest level of alertness. Terror grips my entire body. My muscles are tense and I can't help but wonder if this may be the end of me...for real this time. My fear is validated when th-that creation is placed before me.

"Bon appetit babe!" Ochako smiles, looking down proudly at the massacre of a dinner plate she conjured.

Let me provide you dumb readers with a little prelude:

I was called in for a diffcult mission ten minutes before my scheduled shift ended. The job took me longer than I thought, so I arrived home an hour late. I smelled something wretched as soon as I got to our floor. I could hear my wifey humming along with the clatter of pots and pans. That's when I began panicking. My worst fear had been manifested: Ochako was cooking, if that even begins to describe what she was doing. I tried to take over, throwing a few lame excuses at her, but she insisted she make dinner.

That is how I ended up in this dire situation. Now she's staring at me with those damn cute, chocolate brown eyes, waiting for me to taste her catastrophe.

"Cheeks, I'm not really feeling that great," which isn't a lie, "could I save this for later? That villain was kinda rough-"

She plants a soft kiss on my cheek. 

"If that villain gave you trouble, then food is exactly what you need to build up your strength! So eat up." She ends her words with a smile and settles on the chair accross from me. 

Damn it! How do I get out of this without hurting her feelings? The stench alone could be used for chemical warfare! I can't even identify what it is. All I see is a few black cubes, a greyish looking liquid and some burnt green stuff. It looks like something I could sell to the witches from Macbeth. 

Her eyes, which I'm trying very hard to avoid, are burning through my soul. 

I have no choice. As a hero I have to make sacrifices, and this is one of them. I won't breathe through my nose and hopefully everything will be okay!

I shovel a spoonful into my mouth and I barely hold back a gag. WHY THE HELL IS THIS SO DAMN SALTY?! 

"Sooooo, do you like it?" 

The food is clinging to my throat and I attempt the clear it. 

"Ahem, babe why is it," I'm cut off by my own hacking, but I quickly recover, "so salty?"

"Becuase I read online that eating salty food helps raise blood pressure! I figured after a long day at work, it might be a bit low, so I thought this would help," She twirls her silky hair around her finger anxiously, "is it bad? Be honest."

Why does she gotta be so adorable? She's really not making this easy. 

"Well, if you want my real opinion," I look away and scoot back a few inches (for my safety in case things go south), "It's terrible babe."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her face fall. Damn it! 

"Hey, don't look so sad. I really appreciate your effort! You're just not good at cooking and that's fine! I love cooking for you. It makes me feel like I actually contribute to our household." 

Ochako sighs. 

"I'm a terrible wife aren't I?"

"What the hell? Why would you even say that?"

She fidgets in her chair. 

"I can't cook, I'm not all that good at cleaning, I'm clumsy-"

"Stop. Now."