(18+) RED (Complete)

Ch. 19: Everybody has a past

"We considered it for a while, but the years just flew by until we eventually decided that we were happy with just the two of us. And Patsy and Colmar."

I smiled at the memory of their beloved cats. They were now resting peacefully in auntie Dorothy and uncle Tony's backyard, with their own department of flowers and laminated pictures. With the lights surrounding it all, it looked more like an altar, although not in a creepy way.

"Now we're was I?" she pondered, and squinted at something irrelevant.

"Oh! Patrick invited us over for dinner at Saturday. Wouldn't that be nice? Then you can get to know Benji and his sister, Angeline."

"Sure," I muttered. I didn't want to tell her that I already knew Benjamin. A little bit, at least. And thanks to that, I didn't freak out as much as I normally would after a suggestion like that. There was one thing, though: Did I really want to get to know Benjamin more than I already did? Having this platonic acquaintanceship felt comfortable and safe. I didn't want to jeopardize that.

Suddenly there was a hissing sound from the stove, and auntie Dorothy jolted up to save the boiling vegetables. Once again, I was left to my swirling thoughts and the catatonic feeling of dangling in empty air, grasping around the dangerously withered branch that held my life together.

"Do you ever regret it?"

The words came tumbling out of my mouth without my permission. I didn't even know why I wanted to know.

"Regret what?"

"Falling in love with uncle Tony?"

Auntie Dorothy turned around and studied me quietly.

"Never," she said eventually. Then she was quiet while she served us both generous portions of her delicious stew. Afterwards, she sat down without picking up her fork and knife, and connected our gaze.

"Despite the years of failing to get pregnant, the financial troubles when Tony lost his job and the hopeless battle against his cancer, I would never have chosen otherwise. And even though he took half my heart with him when he died, I would still do it again."

Her eyes were brimming with tears, but somehow she managed to look happy. Grateful, even.

"Without a doubt. It was all a fair price to pay for the happy moments we shared. And I think he felt the same way."

I nodded and stared at my hand holding the fork. I could understand that. Their marriage always seemed so solid and safe, just like my parent's. I wanted that, too. But that would never be possible with the man I was in love with.

"What are you thinking?"

Auntie Dorothy's gaze tried to burn a hole in the wall I'd built. But it was a strong wall, and I wasn't letting my guard down that easily. If ever again. It was best that way.

"Did he..." I started, but my voice disappeared before my tongue had served the words.

"Did he what?"

"Uncle Tony," I said, more determined to ask. I just needed to know.

"Did he ever cheat on you?"

There was a silence that left my mind spinning again. Faster and faster, and with one question after another leading down the trail to a panic attack. But I forced myself to calm down.

After all, was it really cheating? Michael and I weren't dating, and it was only the second time we met, so why did I feel so heartbroken? I mean, it was pretty obvious that we could never be anything more than friends anyway, so why not just be content with that and stitch together my wounded feelings?

The silence that lingered was broken when auntie Dorothy finally spoke up. Her gaze rested on her food, but I doubted she really focused on that.

"No."

Then she looked at me with bone-crushing seriousness.

"But I did."

Auntie Dorothy cheated on uncle Tony? Why?

"It was early in our relationship and I was confused and stupid. But I learned from it, and I believe that it made me a better person afterwards. At least I tried to make up for my mistakes all up until the day Tony died."

She took a deep breath to collect herself.

"I don't think he knew about it, though. Not that it makes it any better, because there's really no excuse for what I did. But I never loved a man the way I love Tony. I just didn't realize until I was about to ruin it all."

I took a mouthful and chewed slowly. The full taste embraced my tastebuds, and left me yearning for more even before I was ready for another bite. But there was one more question that was burning inside me.

"Do you think he would forgive you if he knew?"

There. I said it, and I'd never felt closer to my uncle than I did at that exact moment.

"Honestly? I don't know. Sometimes I got the feeling that he knew but didn't tell me, and in many ways that was a worse punishment than if it was all out in the open. I did something so bad that he chose to let me carry my dirty secret alone."

We ate in silence for a while, and I know auntie Dorothy heard my quiet moans of appreciation for the good food. And after having another portion, I was so close to falling into a blissful food coma, that she was making fun of me while we cleaned up after us.

"Hey, Mia?"

"Mhm?"

"Life can be a lot harder than the polished happy endings you read about in books. Reality is a lot more than taking only A and B into consideration. Something that seems black or white isn't always a simple yes or no, when you realize that you have the whole alphabet of issues to deal with. And the outcome is the choice you make as a result of it all."

She looked at me with true heartfelt and motherly care.

"No one can ever say you chose wrong unless they've read each letter the way you have. Remember that."

Then she gave me a little smile of encouragement, before she continued.

"Everybody has a past. But don't be so busy spelling each letter that you miss out on the complete word in front of you. Because that word might be your future."