Night Changes

38

I stretched my arms over my head slowly, feeling the pull in my body as I slowly came awake. I had yet to open my eyes, instead taking a moment to feel the slight ache in my core, and the unhinged feeling of my hips. It took me a moment to remember the night before, and why my body felt as thought it had been worked over.

Coming awake, I realized that was because it had.

The memories of the night before flooded my mind, both those of the date, and the return to the apartment. How Harry had taken me to Brooklyn, sat with me and watched the sunset over the city. How he had been cautious and nervous, so careful not to push me or make a wrong move. Then, coming back to the apartment, where all our tension and all our good intentions just seemed to fall away. The feel of his lips on mine, the way his hands held me. The feeling of him inside me, and the way it felt as if we couldn’t get close enough to each other. We were wrapped around each other, limbs and breath and sighs, and yet, we weren’t close enough. I don’t think we could ever get close enough to soothe our desperation for each other.

What also came to my mind was how I had left. That after the sex was over, and we were tangled in each other in the after glow, Harry was blissful. I was worrying. This wasn’t something new for me, since as Louis pointed out, I had a tendency to have most of my stressors self induced. But where I should have been enjoying laying in the arms of the man I loved, I instead let myself get worked up on all the reasons why I shouldn’t be there, why I needed to leave.

And then I left.

I felt Harry, shocked, confused. Telling me he loved me, and begging me to stay. Making my heart clench and my knees weak. Making me long for him even more than I ever had.

But I still walked away.

The memories flooded my mind, changing from blissful to self loathing, with a hint of nausea. The look on Harrys face as I left was burned into the back of my eyelids, and I hated that I had caused it. He was trying to act like he was okay, but I knew him. The look on his face as I pulled away, climbing out of bed. Shock, hurt, fear. All of it because I couldn’t get my fucking shit together, and just stay. All because I was so caught up in my own mind, my own fears, that I couldn’t see that I had already forgiven him. That I was ready to come home.

I needed to fix what I had done. I had caused this latest hurt. This new rift between us, had been created by me. And it was up to me to do what I could to make it right.

Glancing at the clock, I saw it was shortly before ten in the morning. Wow. I had only been up for a few minutes and already done a shit load of reflection, angst and self loathing.  Might be a new record, even for me.

Picking up my phone from the nightstand, I glanced at the screen.  Two texts from Harry.

Harry: Thank you for tonight. And before you think Im a perv, I mean the date. Well, the sex too, but you know…fuck Im rambling.

Harry: Good night, babe. I love you so much.

I smiled at his rambling text, picturing him rolling his eyes at himself, annoyed that he couldn’t find a better thing to say, and yet sending the message anyway. Where he was so eloquent in person, he had a tendency to be a bit of a bumbler via text.