Taga Long

Because I'm a girl

"Ergh! I let him get to me!" I yelled to the runing water of the shower. I brushed my wet hair back from my face, to frustrated to do anything besides stand there. "I mean what is wrong with me mom? How could I let that happen?" I wasn't really talking to anyone in particular, but the word mom had slipped out.

I had just got back from Josh's place and I was upset at how weak I was. I had to admitt, I wasn't ashamed that we had taken our relationship, I was just ashamed that for some reason I couldn't say no to guys and their hormones.

Because you're a teenage girl. I imagined my mom saying back. She would always tell me that, instead withouth the word teenage. When I was younger, I hated getting messy. I hated the dirt, despised a mess, and would stand by and watch all the other kids make mud pies. Every time I would ask my mom why I was like this, she would always kiss the top of my head and say "because you're a girl."

I sighed. A pretty screwed up girl who didn't know what she wanted. Who sleeps with one guy when you're possibly pregnant with another guy's baby? When you put it like that, I felt sick. It was wrong to even think about. Why I couldn't think of this an hour ago was beyond me.

An hour ago I had been tangled up with Josh. Our little stint lasted way longer then five minutes. I just couldn't seem to pull my self away. I smiled, if nothing else good came out of this, I was sure of one thing, sleeping with Josh had been sweet and romantic. He made me feel safe, and right. I was nowhere near as heart wrenchingly passionate as it had been with Caleb, which I had to be honest about, but it made me all giddy inside. I felt like a teenager who was actually sprung over her boyfriend, which was a good thing, just not in my case.

I sighed. What I needed to do was get myself together. "No more sex." I proclaimed out loud.

Which, of course did not happen. Josh and I slept together whenever we got the chance. It was like we couldn't stay away from each other. By Monday, we managed to sleep together three more times. Once at my place, and twice at his.

I blamed my hormonal body. I had this urge to be close and near someone, anyone. Josh thought it was him, but I knew better, it was the growing fetus inside of me.

*****

"Josh, we have to stop. I can't keep doing this." His fingers absentminedly ran through my hair as I laid on his chest, listening to his heart fall back to its normal pace.

He chuckled. "What's wrong with this?"

I couldn't tell him what was really wrong with this, so I came up with something else. "Josh," I sighed. "Don't get me wrong, this is great but, Josh..." What I wanted to stay was true, and for that, I didn't want to say it.

He proped himself up on his elbow. "Babe, look at me, what's wrong?"

I sniffled, suddenly overcome with the urge to break down. "I...I just don't want to end up like all your other exes Josh. I'm in too deep now."

"Hey," he lifted my chin up to where he could look me directly in the eyes. "What do you mean love, talk to me." He kissed away the tears that had began to spill over.

I sighed. "Josh, I know about Hannah, I know about your track record." I cried.

"Oh, babe...Tab," he took me by my wrist and look me directly in the eyes. "I'm here with you now, one hundred percent. I know my past history with girls haven't been to well, I'm not gonna lie to you. I was with those girls for all the wrong reasons." He said honestly. "And then you came back and invaded my thoughts. I was taken back to all those years ago, the time to when I first met you Tabitha. You had two ponytails braided in with red ribbons that matched your dress." He said softly.