FORCE | topper thornton

TWENTY

"Come here, baby." I soothed as he struggled to get the tie correctly around his neck. He walked over to me, handing the long fabric to me, watching in awe as I wrapped the tie around his neck, tying it with ease. "Thank you." He sighed, still anxious for the day ahead, the funeral, the dreaded day. It's always far enough away for you to begin to heal, and then it comes, and all the emotions come back times ten. "Come on, love." I mumbled gently lacing our fingers together, mentally preparing myself for the day ahead.

***

The funeral had come and gone, and Topper and I were entering the empty house once again. I got used to us coming home together, staying together, and the realization that this wasn't going to last much longer killed me. But I didn't tell Topper, he didn't need another headache, "what's on your mind, pretty girl?" Topper sighed, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind me, his chin resting on my shoulder, stretching to see the features on my face. Deep down I knew he had gotten used to us always being together too, but he didn't need to be babied, so I turned in his hold, putting a soft smile on my face. "Just thinking about how soon we won't be staying together all the time, I have to go back home, and you're going to get your own place, which is just crazy and-" "who says you have to go?" His voice was soft and it killed me, because I knew he was serious. "Well, for starters I'm not eighteen yet, second of all, I don't want to leave my dad alone, he's chill and all. But I don't think he'd be that cool." I explained, twisting his hair in between my fingers, "so we wait until you're eighteen." He quipped, as if it was obvious, my eyebrows rose slowly, "come on, Kenzie. Think about it, me and you in our own place, on the beach everyday-and-and we could put your fucking amazing pictures up all over." He rambled, stuttering in a moment from excitement, my birthday wasn't until November, it was only August, we've been together for almost four months, by then it would be seven. I stood in thought for a while, "I'm not saying yes, but if you're that certain that you want this, you have to ask my dad about it, for after I turn eighteen. Because I want his approval, I need to know I'm not disappointing him." I had my own rant, a grin came across his face. "Really?" He asked incredulously, I laughed as he cheered, pulling me in for a tight hug. "Don't get too excited, Topper." I cautioned, "why don't we get back to packing." I diverted the subject, he could tell I was being cautious, not wanting us both to end up heart broken.

"I've got a better idea." He smirked, reaching for the zipper of my dress, I purposefully pick dresses with zippers now, it's become our thing. It gave me goosebumps every time, I'd never get used to the feeling.

***

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, Topper asleep in his bed just a few feet away, I took a minute, looking myself over. I looked, horrible, that's how I felt, I felt gross, and I looked gross. My eyes had permanent dark circles around them, I've definitely put on a bit of weight, normally that wouldn't bother me, I've always fluctuated a bit, ten pounds up, ten pounds down. I've never thought I looked bad, I've always been very confident in my body, even when I was fuller, but right now I just couldn't shake the thought of looking bad. Maybe it's because I was with Topper, he's seen me the way no guy ever has, he's seen me at my most intimate, our most intimate. That scared me, surely that had to be what this was all coming from, I didn't even hear Topper as he mumbled something, so when he walked into the bathroom, seeing me standing there in my underwear, his large shirt pulled up so I could look to my stomach, I was startled to say the least. "Kenzie? What're you doing?" His voice was soft, as he stared at me, at my body, and I knew it wasn't in the way that I was thinking of myself, but I still felt embarrassed. "Don't look at me." I muttered, tugging the shirt down, his eyebrows shot up, not believing my actions. "Why not? I love to look at you." He answered truthfully, slowly walking towards me.

I sighed, not believing that I was really doing this right now, my eyes welled up for a moment, but I forced them back. I was so in love with everything about his body, and I knew he felt the same towards me, but why couldn't I feel that towards myself anymore. "Because," I mumbled like a child as his hands rested on my hips, looking at me through the mirror. He knew why, he wasn't stupid, his fingers rubbed small circles into my sides. "Baby, look at me." He instructed, his eyes burning holes into the mirror, I tilted my head up meeting his eyes. "You're fucking gorgeous, I wish you saw what I see." He spoke so genuinely that I couldn't keep the tear from slipping from my eye, I knew that the breakdown I was beginning to have was more than just my appearance, I've been silently crying after Topper goes to sleep, wishing that he didn't have to suffer this all too familiar pain, but tonight he just happened to catch me in a dark state of mind. "I do see what you see, normally. I'm just so run down, I always look exhausted, I've put on weight, which normally doesn't bother me but right now I feel like I just look horrible." I rambled, my hand resting on my lower stomach, the little pudge sitting right above my underwear. Topper's hands were gentle against my skin, he moved my hand to the side, placing his where it once was, I sighed at the feeling, his hands were warm against my cool skin. "Kenzie, you are absolutely amazing, it doesn't matter if you gain weight, lose weight, I don't care and neither should you." He peppered kisses down my neck, my head instinctively rolling to the side to give him more space, I sighed in his hold, "I'll always be in awe of you and your body." He added placing one last long kiss to the top of my shoulder. I thought he was done, but his words of affirmation continued, "I love when you know I'm having a bad day, so you force me to lay on you, and you run your fingers through my hair until I fall asleep. I love how you always think everything through, you keep me from doing stupid shit, I love when you know what I need before even I do. I love the way you smile, your laugh, the way your eyes show everything. I just love everything about you." Now I was crying from the sweet words he was speaking, "you're too good to me, Topper Thornton." I whispered, spinning myself in his grip to kiss him tenderly, "way too good, but tonight should be about you. I'm sorry." I muttered against his skin, he shook his head, "don't ever be sorry for telling me what's on your mind, pretty girl." He kissed my forehead, holding me tightly against himself for a while. Eventually we untangled ourselves and went back to sleep, both of us feeling more at peace than we have in a while.