Fading (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction; Sequel to Pretending)

Chapter 10: Her

6 weeks after

The familiar cool wind enveloped into my body, sending chills down my spine as I make my way to where I'm supposed to be heading. I walked as fast as I could, even though I don't even see the point why I'm hurrying up. I tried to calm myself down and walked a bit slower than usual. There's nothing really to gehurry about. It's not as if it's going to run away from me. Well how I wish though.

I sat down and placed all the fresh flowers I brought with me at Riley's newly dusted tombstone. Today, if he was alive, he could have been twenty four. There are still times that I can't stop imagining how things would be like if he was alive. I wonder what would my life would be having my best friend around, and how would it really feel growing up like this having a brother like him. I wonder if he would be settling down with a family now, or what kind of job he'll get. I wonder if he'll be in a band, or will he be doing something great with his life right now if he was alive. I couldn't stop myself thinking about it. It's been almost ten years since he died, but there are still times that I keep asking no one in particular why he left in such a hurtful way. Sometimes it hurts me to realize that it was because of me, that he died because of me. I love Riley more than anything else in the world, but I guess things in life could really be taken away from us even without being aware of it. Sometimes it just really hit me that I shouldn't put my happiness in some things that could possibly be taken away from me at some point. I always remind myself to not to fall in love with my own idea of people, but this is just what makes me. I can't stop caring, even if it's doesn't even exist anymore.

"Hello Ri," I muttered, my eyes all focused in Riley's name engraved on the ground.

"If you were here, we might probably celebrate your birthday drinking beer and eating barbecue the whole day." I laughed on my own statement, not even knowing why I did. "I wish I've seen you drink illegally though. Or get a girlfriend. Damn Riley, you're a chicken."

I remained silent for a while as I go back to all the days where Riley and I were still together. A smile slowly formed in my face, and before I could notice, a tear roll down my cheek, making it fall down my arm that hugged both of my knees.

"I'm sorry for being such an emo," I stated with a light chuckle, without being able to stop myself from crying a little. "I just- I've grown too much and it's just- I can't stop wishing you're here with me. I just feel so lost Riley. I don't even know where to go, or who to run up to. I'm afraid that I might stress dad out. I just really don't know anymore."

I buried my face down to my arms as I hugged my knees tighter. Sometimes I feel like I'm beginning to get crazy by getting all sad and emotional at all things, and I couldn't seem to find the perfect reason why I'm always sad. It's kind of scary that it's driving me crazy, and I can't even figure out any way to find out how will I ever get out of this madness that's within me. A certain reason keeps shouting at the back of my head, but my heart doesn't want to admit that it's really making me sad. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore, and no matter what I do, I couldn't find any way to pull myself back together.

I lay down the grass and faced my right side, my eyes all focused in Riley's tombstone as I cry everything out in me. It's been six weeks without him, and there's no doubt that everything has changed between the two of us. He's living his life like it's a piece of heaven, while I'm left here, trying to deal with the piece of a fucked up hell I have without no one to run up to. Maybe, I guess, he's not even afraid to lose me anymore. I feel like he doesn't even care, making it seem like someone like me never existed in his life. My entire memory faded in his mind, and it hurts for me to think that I couldn't even get rid of him just like how he's getting rid of me. Every night and so, I still cry myself to sleep, always ending up wishing that hopefully the next day, I wouldn't be sleeping like this anymore. It hurts to know that I'm slowly dying inside, and the only person that I want doesn't even have a single idea on what I'm going through. It's been six weeks of hell without him, yet I suppose it feels normal for him not having me around.