a/n: i'm not really a taylor swift fan but a friend of mine said that this song really fits for this chapter and it's really a good one, so go and listen to "come back, be here" by taylor swift while reading or after reading this chapter :)
---
I rested my head lightly on the car window, having the sound of the rain falling down on the ground drift me away from any sad thought that would take over my mind. It's a rainy Friday afternoon; the day that I've been wishing badly not to come any sooner. As of the very moment, I couldn't even stop myself from thinking such things, even the unnecessary and ridiculous ones. I can't help but wish I could stop and turn back time and each and every moment with him. I wish I could go back to the past and change things, thinking maybe if I did something wrong or right, things wouldn't end up this way. Different set of time zones won't take him so far away from me. I can't even stop myself from wishing that he'll take me anywhere with him. Time and distance is what is trying to stop us, and I swear if only I have the greatest power to stop it, I definitely would. But time doesn't stop for anybody. This day has to come. I know at some point, he really have to go.
Our fingers slowly interlocked with each other, but none of us are even trying to utter a word. We remained completely silent inside the car, even his parents. I have lots of things to say to him, I know I do. But I couldn't even seem to utter even just a single word, having the fear of breaking down in front him growing slowly in each and every minute inside me. I never liked it when I cry, especially in front of him. But to be completely honest, it's all I ever want to do as of the very moment. I've been holding back all the tears since the day he left my apartment, the day he made me realize that there'll be another round of almost a year not having him beside me. I want hug him and cry everything in me on his arms, but big part of me always stops me from doing so. I couldn't take within me the sight of him getting sad and broken, because I am the exact same. I don't want to see his heart break, because I care more about his feelings more than I care about mine. So even though this whole situation is tragically breaking me inside too, I don't want any other thing to do but to conceal every sadness that my face could ever show.
I was staring blankly in nothing when I felt the car getting slower in every second. I bit my lower lip and tried so hard not to look affected by anything that could mean something, as his father slowly pulled over in the main entrance of the place that I loathed the most. I took a deep breath again as Calum gently let go of my hand to gather some of his stuff and prepare himself for what might happen outside and inside the airport. The rain had finally stopped and it was only drizzling, so I didn't even bother to get an umbrella and used the hood of my jean jacket to cover my head. When I was just about to open the car door, Calum pulled me back and closer to him, hugging me tighter than he could ever manage.
"Fuck this," he paused, his voice cracking. "I'm really going to miss you."
I didn't want to say anything yet, though I want to tell him how much I would miss him too. I knew if I said something, I will start crying. But as much as I can manage, I am really trying not to.
Calum gently pulled away, giving me the sight of him having his eyes beaming with tears. He cupped my cheeks and started planting kisses everywhere on my face that he could manage.
I knew at some point, I will burst out too. And so by then, I gave in. Tears started streaming down my face the moment he connected his soft warms lips against mine. I responded warmly, making sure that every moment will be remembered for the very last kiss we will be sharing for a while. A tear fell on my wrist, and I knew it wasn't mine. Calum slowly pulled away, his eyes still filled with tears and sadness. My cold shaking hands reached up to touch his face, wiping away the tears. I hate seeing him like this, because I rarely see him cry. It breaks my heart so terribly, and knowing that I couldn't do anything to change what was bound to happen makes everything worse inside me.
"Cal," I uttered, trying to chuckle lightly to make everything seem a little less sad. "It's just- it'll only take a year."
"I love you." He pulled me closer to him again, giving me another heartwarming kiss on my forehead without saying anything anymore. I hugged him tight, and that's when I took the chance to cry and let out all the tears I've held back on his arms.
I wish time could stop even only by just one day. The moment he pulled away from me and got out of the car, I knew right then that it will be the very last time I would be able to hold him close to me. I didn't look at him when he came out of the car, as he left me with nothing but silence the moment he closed the car door gently. After a few seconds, I turned to watch him walk away, counting each and every step he takes as the distance between us grow bigger and further every second.
I was left alone with nothing by myself, not even minding if I cry so hard and a lot this time. I want to run up to him, and hug him for the remaining time he still have before his flight. But I know I couldn't. I can't get closer to him, or be seen with him. There are some fans all around the airport, and some paps are everywhere too. I watched the four of them gather at the gates, having some of their fans come right up to them to take some pictures and ask for a hug. Calum's already trying to pull up a smile this time, but I'm not even sure if it's a real one now. I hugged myself lightly to keep me warm as I watch him, somehow seeing myself in envy that I can't even get close to him when I really want to.
Minutes had past and I'm still waiting inside the car, not even trying to fight for what I really want to do. I know if I did something very stupid, it would cause not only Calum but the whole band a great drama, and I am not as selfish as I think I am to do such a thing. I know something's going to happen if I come running up to him, basically coming out of his car.
Tears started forming in my eyes again, as the chances of seeing him again for the very last time gets a little as the time passes by. I bit myself, having weird battles inside my head. I don't want to do something stupid and make the both of us suffer from it, but love is about taking risks and chances, right? I know I should stay inside here and just wait for another year to be able to see him standing right in front of my eyes again, but I couldn't stop myself anymore. I have to do what seemed like I shouldn't, but I really have to.
I pulled on my jacket again and immediately opened the car door, having no doubts about running after Calum. The moment I got out of the car, the people around me got their faces painted with confusion and shock, but I didn't give a single fuck. Tears remained streaming down my face as I ran as fast as I could, realizing that I am running out of time. I didn't mind if I'm only on my pajamas, or if my hair is messy, or if I don't look really pleasing at all. I couldn't even care about anything anymore, except for him, for us. I know this is very selfish for me to do this, but I realized things would actually come to the point that I have to selfish too. My thoughts are rambling inside my mind, and I couldn't even think straight anymore. It's all about him now, and that's all that matters.
The moment I finally got to where I supposed to be, I literally stopped on my tracks, feeling the need to catch my breath. I watched him as they started to go on board, being meters away from me. Don't leave me, I whispered to myself as I bit my lip. He kept walking, not even minding to look back. I looked straight at where he was standing, having even the littlest hopes that he would turn around and see me, but he kept walking until the last piece of him already disappeared in my sight in a matter of seconds.
I stood there, among the large crowd of fans who came running up to them too, making it seem like I'm just one of them. I looked down, realizing that that's how everyone really sees me right now. A fan. Just a fan, who cries over someone who doesn't even know me personally.
Everyone around me started walking away, minding their own businesses, and I was still stuck here, hating every single piece of me that protested on fighting for what I really want. Tears kept rolling down my face until there's nothing left anymore. I sat down on one of the silver chairs, still not sure if I'll ever be alright any time soon.
"I love you, Cal."
I said, my voice cracking, having no one hearing me but myself.
---
hi, i'm sorry, this is such a short chapter but the longer chapters are approaching! i hope you like this one, if this is even likable...
- trisha
YOU ARE READING
Fading (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction; Sequel to Pretending)
Fanfiction"All things fade, don't they?" Sequel to the Calum Hood Fan Fiction "Pretending"
