Fading (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction; Sequel to Pretending)

Chapter 45: Him

I couldn't put a finger on what I exactly feel. I couldn't even start a conversation with anyone, or even try to give just a little information about anything that happened before the accident occured. For some reasons I felt a relief that everyone including the police gave me a little space and time to have myself on my own and just think. I just can't have enough strength yet to even open my mouth and speak. I know I should be giving out even just a little detail but I couldn't. I feel like I would want myself to disappear if I heard myself once more saying that this entire fucking accident is all my fault.

I have absolutely no one but myself to blame.

It's been hours since it happened. I'm resting my back against a wall while staring at the window, watching people from this hospital hall having their eyes set on me as they walk. I couldn't care less about what would anyone say. I wouldn't leave this spot until someone tells me that everything's okay, that she will be okay and we can leave the hospital right away. I won't go anywhere until someone tells me that she's awake, that she is—having to say this word hurts me, but it would hurt even more if I wouldn't be able to say it anymore too— alive.

I just want her out of that operating room.

I just want her back in my arms, saying that she never stopped loving me.

I just want her back.

I just want her.

Just her.

Flashback— 3 years ago

Ashton threw his last piece of drumstick out through the wild crowd in front us, then laughed along with me as he accidentally hit a fan with it on her head. He got worried though, but the girl still shouted thank you and cried in happiness after getting Ashton's drumstick.

"We're sorry for being that wild! We're just really that happy to see you guys enjoying our show! This is unreal, holy shit!" Ashton shouted as the wild crowed roared.

"We will surely be back for a million times more," I said through the mic, feeling really overwhelmed as I look at the unrealistic, just like what Ashton said, amount of people we have in front of us. "Thank you so fucking much Sydney for having us tonight! We are 5 Seconds Of Summer, goodnight!"

The crowd went wild as the four of us gave them our last goodbyes before heading down quickly to the backstage to get changed. It's just eleven o'clock in the evening and I know it's not my usual sleeping time but my entire body already says "bed". But yeah, I guess being a part of this "fame", I still need to drag myself and just enjoy the entire thing as I meet new people with this meet and greet thing. This whole thing still puts me into asking myself sometimes if everything isn't just a dream and is really happening. I mean, yeah it's just meeting people who admire your music and stuff but when I wasn't a band dude yet I only have screaming girls in front me during highschool and not everywhere. It still kinda feels weird to have almost the entire world knows who I am but I guess someday I'll get used to it.

"I wonder why you just can't stop staring at your face in the mirror all the time. Well I guess if I had a face like that I would do the same thing."

I almost jumped the moment she started talking but eventually smiled as I see her resting her shoulder onto the door frame. Every single time I feel this way whenever I see her I always hate admitting it to myself because I just feel like it's so unlike me. I mean, it's just Kristen standing three feet away from me, then why am I feeling like I have shit tons of fireworks inside my stomach and it's like seeing lots of gifts down the tree during Christmas morning? I don't even know where to start but I guess she just never fails to give me that kind of reaction.

What can I do? I'm in love with this girl.

"How was your first backstage show, shortcake?" I asked after kissing her forehead, then enveloped her into a hug even though I know she hates it when I hug her when I'm all sweaty and smelly.

"I think I would say it was nice but being hugged by the smelly bassist ruined it all." Kristen replied, trying to pull away from me but I still locked my arms around her. "And don't call me shortcake."

"Alright shortcake."

Just my luck, no one's around so I could be completely myself around my girlfriend just like this because basically it's all I ever need after a long tiring show. Tonight's the end of our Australian tour and after three weeks we will be heading back to LA to keep working on our music. We're not that big yet but I guess it's already on its way to it. Well, Kristen and I, we have a deal about this relationship to keep it secret. Though it's hard, we're trying to keep everything managed.

"Oh god, I missed you." She said, finally giving in to the hug I started. "And I was kidding. You don't smell bad. Just sweaty, 's all."

"I think this is the part where the band dude kisses the girl, right?" I said with a laugh, earning a nudge on the side from her but she laughed along with me anyway.

"Yeah, stupid ass, whatever. Just kiss me."

One of the most amazing thing that amazes me every single time I kiss her lips is that it always feels like it's the first time we ever connected. I still couldn't help but get those "shit tons of fireworks inside my stomach" feeling and every inch of my body feels light whenever she touches me. Goddamn, I'm so in love with this person.

"Oh my god." Someone said silently, but I heard it.

The both of us quickly pulled away from each other and immediately got nervous the moment we saw seven girls standing six feet away from us.

"It's not wh- it's uhm, it's not- we're n-" Kristen stuttered, but I stopped her even before she could continue.

"She's my girlfriend." I quickly said with all my might. "I mean you can't go kissing anyone like that if she's not, uhm you know."

A few seconds remained silent. Kristen remained looking down the ground as the seven girls in front of us remained silent, too. Maybe they expected something like "no, she's just no one" from me, but I couldn't just say it like I always do.

"Calum, we know." After a short silence, a girl said.

"But we promise, if you guys are secret couples then it will remain like that."

Nothing can make me more relieved than seeing Kristen smile the way she is smiling after hearing those words. I know, it's very complicated how the management will always want you to remain single just for your music to keep on top. I don't get it but I guess I just have to follow for the sake of it.

I wish it was that easy to please people, but it's not.

Present Time

A tear rolled down my cheek as the memory flashed back inside my tired mind. I don't exactly know what I want back right now, but if I can change everything and rewrite whatever I could in the past, I absolutely would. Maybe if I was strong enough to fight the world for her, none of these things would happen. Maybe if I just let our love win over anything, I wouldn't be crying over something as tragic as this.

I hate myself for everything and no matter what I do, I just don't have anyone but myself to blame.

"Come back to me."

I said in silence, hoping that in any moment, I would be able to feel her lips pressed against mine once more.