Fading (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction; Sequel to Pretending)

Epilogue

1 Year After

Maybe it's true when they say that a lot can happen within a year. It may have been just a three hundred and sixty-five normal days and night for everybody, but it didn't feel it was the same for me. The past year had been rough, and it felt like it went forever. Many things have happened, and a lot did change. I wish I could say that some didn't, but they did.

I rubbed my weary eyes a few moments after my phone alarmed, waking me up. It feels weird to still be waking up tired after knowing that you have slept for ten hours, but at the same time, it isn't. It's been months since I started taking medications that would help me sleep at night, yet I still feel weird about taking them. I know, it's about time that I think it's normal to get that kind of help, but I still can't just wrap around my finger about the things that I'm going through. I'm not sure if it's a part of the process and that's what I'm still trying to understand.

Looking at my phone, I only have my notes and reminders to check onto because I uninstalled mostly of my social media accounts. Not that I was advised to, but it was a personal choice for me. I just felt the need to be there entirely just for myself because I know that's what I need to do. Our management announced my current state ̶ that I approved of sharing publicly ̶ that I decided not to be "out there" that much and I'm lucky that most of our fans supported me and respected my decision. I was even told that I can take as much as time that I needed and that made me feel somewhat better. As for Ashton, Luke and Michael, they decided to keep making music even without me and I still supported whatever they wanted to. I know in a few months or so, I'll be better enough to come back again and make music with my best mates who never left me even at times of trouble.

A few weeks ago, I decided to make it a habit to make a list a week before about what I must and need to do for the upcoming week just so I could track record and avoid missing out on what is there to be done. Today is the first day for the month of July. Not that there's something special about it, but I've got a few things to do in my list which includes:

1. Medication after breakfast (Epival, 1 Tablet)

2. Meditate

3. Appointment with Dr. Wilson, 1 PM

4. Groceries

5. Beach (maybe)

It always made me nervous about going to therapy sessions. I know that we could just think about it just as simple as "sitting on a comfortable couch while talking to someone who's a professional in helping us understand what goes inside our minds", but sometimes, it makes me feel nervous that I always think about not going anymore. It's not quite easy as we think it is to talk about our feelings, even if it includes someone who could really help us. But then, I always get reminded what my therapist told me a few sessions ago: No one else is responsible for our own healing but ourselves. It's never that easy but we need to keep trying for ourselves.

I wore just my usual black shirt and jeans on my therapy. I didn't want to wear anything that would cover me up to get lesser attention from people who might recognize me, but I hope that I really won't get any. I just wanted to keep going outside feeling nothing but myself these days. Michael came with me and let me drive our way to the hospital for the first time in a long time since I became uncomfortable of driving alone or just driving in general. It was my decision to do it, and I wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel okay with it yet. He insisted to come with me inside, but I refused, just because I wanted to do this alone for the first time in months and I know he understood that. He felt proud before leaving me and I know that he could see much progress in me as much as I can see it for myself too. It's been a month since my last session and by that time I didn't even wanted to be left alone. But right now, right at this moment, I'm feeling a sense of pride that I'm becoming much stronger enough to face my own "things" alone again.