Lionheart (HP universe FF) / (Marauders era)

Chapter 19. The Truth Will Always Hurt the Most

The amount of guilt I had been feeling, was so bad, that I hadn't been able to attend any of the classes in the past few days after what happened at the Black Lake. My mind was constantly running around that scene, making me think about all the other choices I could have made to not come to this conclusion...but no matter how much I changed the story in my head, the outcome was always the same.

I felt guilty for so many reasons, and once a human feels guilty enough to a certain point, they can even start feeling nauseous about it. And that's just how I was feeling right now. My stomach physically hurt over something I had done, but not for the reasons one might think. Because the thing was that; I wasn't feeling guilty because I had taken Severus' side and actually defended him from James and Sirius. I didn't feel guilty or regretful about acting like a true friend to him after everything he has done for me. And in a way this was able to ease my pain just a little bit, but not fully. Because nothing helped the fact that I had hid this enormous secret from my best friends.

James was a person I had known my whole life. Our mother's were friends with each other for so many years, and we grew up together, sharing almost everything like true siblings do. Of course our childhood and friendship had included some white lies, but I don't think I have ever hid something this big from him. He's my brother...and I lied to him.

And Sirius...his expression was the one that hurt me the most. His face was completely full of betrayal and shock, only because I had been the one to cause it. I don't think I have ever disappointed him like that before. And that just broke my heart. I had been the person to cause it, not anyone else...but me. The person he was supposed to trust and believe.

Both of them had every right to avoid me with everything they had. I mean I had seen them after what had happened, but they wouldn't even look at me. I knew that Remus, Peter, Alice and Marlene had no clue about what had actually occurred on that night, but I was glad that the boys hadn't filled them in about my betrayal...which feels wrong to say even.

Because in reality, I don't even think this was the worst thing I could have done to them. Yes, Severus Snape has always been someone they have hated on with passion and yes he has done and said some things that should not be forgiven so easily. And I know that the truth will always hurt the most, but what truth can not be forgiven at some point? Yes, there are some things, some things so horrible, that there's not even a change at forgiveness, but something like this...is it really worth feeling like this?

I don't want this to ruin everything for good. And I want to apologize to them, I really do. Because I can not live feeling like this for much longer. What I have truly learned from all this, is to be honest from now on. I need to be honest with them and tell them what has truly happened that they don't know about. Because right now they only know about the lie, but not about the other important details that have decorated this whole situation the whole time.

But how can I even start apologizing when at the moment I don't even exist to them?

Both James and Sirius were sitting on the other end of the Gryffindor table, eating their breakfast at a slow pace. They were going through their porridge with their spoons, messing up the whole plate and making it uneatable. They seemed to be deep into their own thoughts, making me wonder about what they were thinking about right now. Were they maybe thinking about how this was the last full day at Hogwarts before summer break, or were they maybe thinking about how their best friend, who had betrayed them, sat at the other end of the table, staring at them and trying to figure out whether it was alright to finally come and talk to them.

And just as if they had been able to read my mind, both of their eyes wondered to me, staring at me for a short period of time, before turning to look elsewhere, as if it even pained them to see me here.