𝓂𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒𝓈-𝓈𝑜𝓊𝓀𝑜𝓀𝓊۵

16

hey guys uhhh okay so i have a few things to say. im very sorry for not updating. I recently decided to give up on this book and abandon it. the storyline was shitty and my writing was subpar. people were reading but I just hate it. I considered starting a new one but feared I would give up on it too. I have an image in my head of the way i want to write and this just isn't it. but I feel bad not giving this book closure. so after receiving more comments (ty for those) I decided I'll finish it. I don't know how quick I'll update since i have lost a little motivation but i promise to finish and to not rush it. I'll give the book a proper ending. I still want to make another more ideal book and it will probably be about soukoku so if i ever do that you can look out for it. sorry if this was all over the place and hard to understand but here's the long overdue 16th chapter lmao

Chuuyas pov

I hated how Dazais face was completely void of emotion. There's no usual sparkle in his eye. The corners of his mouth are straight instead of slightly upturned. It should make me feel upset but I felt more mad. Mad that his dad could do that to him. Mad that I couldn't do anything to make it better. Mad that he was so broken he couldn't even laugh after I spilled hot chocolate all over myself.

"You don't have to tell me anything by the way." I paused trying to make it sound less selfish. "I mean you don't owe me an explanation. Or an apology. Cause i know you're gonna apologies for your father. But you don't have to. Really I think it would make me more mad if you did apologize for him. Because it's not your fault he's a complete and utter-" he cut off my rant right as I sat down next to him on my bed.

"My dad was always wealthy. Y'know." he began voice slightly shaky.

"My mom too. And so of course as it turns out two rich people who never loved each other in the first place ends up shit." his voice was laced with hatred. Hatred for his family, which broke my heart.

"She killed herself. When I was 4. I always tell people she left, maybe because it's what I want to think. I suppose sometimes I think she did it cause I wasn't enough."

"I hate her more than anything for being so weak. She had her own reasons for doing it but-" his voice wavered before he continued. "But for her to leave me alone with that man. I'll never forgive her for being such a coward."

I swallowed thickly. Not knowing what to say or think. He despised his whole family. He didn't know anything about human relationships.

He finally looked up again. His eyes looked distant and dark. They looked more cold than warm like they normally did. It made me wonder. Wonder what Dazai was really like. Without an act.

"Don't pity me though Chuuya." he said coldly. "I'm not some sob story. I don't want you to treat me differently. Because my friends are the best thing I have. And I don't want that to change." he said crossing his arms.

"My dad was always a sick guy. But after my mom died, he got worse. He gave me my first black eye the day after my mom's funeral." he looked down at his fingers and pierced his lips.

"And I am gonna apologise. I'm sorry I let myself let my guard down. He wouldn't have even touched you if I was more careful."

I sucked in my cheeks. Unsure of what to say.

"Its okay."

He looked at me with glassy eyes. And I was ready now. Ready for whatever he was going to say.

"You still have hot chocolate. On your face."

I know my eyebrows furrowed in confusion when he said that. I was expecting something sad after all.

I swiped at my chin quickly narrowing my eyes at a laughing Dazai. The glimmer in his eye faint, but there.

I huffed falling back onto my bed happy that Dazai was smiling but also worried. I didn't want him to pretend like he was okay. I didn't want him to do that for me.

He lowered himself next to me crossing his arms over his stomach.

"Did he hurt you?"

"Hm?" I said looking towards him. We had been in this position so many times. Parallel to each other with our legs dangling off the side of my bed. It felt familiar but different. Tenser.

"When he grabbed you. Did he hurt you?"

"Hm. No. I didn't get hurt."

"Please don't lie to me." and when he said that his face looked hurt.

I sighed. "He pulled my hair. But it doesn"t hurt Dazai so don't worry about it."

And I felt his hand tangle in my hair. And he looked at my eyes.

"My mom had hair like yours." he said softly.

I swallowed feeling the sentiment in his voice.

"I know, Dazai." I said as calm as possible.

"But I like yours. It's always messy and wild. Hers was too neat."

"Jeez Dazai you should see yours." I remarked back.

I sat up quickly jumping onto Dazai and straddling his lap and leaning down to grab his hair softly.

"It's all tangled. And it's too long."

He looked up at me surprised by my actions before smirking and grabbing my hand that was in his hair.

He looked at my wrist with a steady face.

"He left a mark. On your wrist." he said, hurt in his voice.

I hesitated leaning back a little. "Well... yeah he grabbed it hard."

"So he hurt your wrist too. Why didn't you say so?"

"I didn't want you to blame yourself. And it's not like it hurts."

Dazai bit his bottom lip. He was still lying on my bed and he turned his head to the side, looking away from me.

He dropped my wrist and went still.

"Dazai." I lowered my body, putting my head onto his chest.

And I could feel his heartbeat. And the warmth from his body. And above all the lingering sadness in the air.

!happy holidays!