Love Is Not Enough | Chaelisa

Chapter 15

Hey, so will I be able to see you on Christmas? :)

Bam :
I'm sorry Lis :(
You have to know I'd love nothing more
But I really cant, my boss is working me to the bone
I wish mom and dad would just let me stop, I mean, they trained me for the position so why do I need to work so hard at the PCY's
Besides my boss is such a fucking asshole, seriously, I've never seen a bigger douchebag

I'm sorry to hear that :(
Should I come to visit instead? Will you have at least some time off?

Bam :
Don't bother, I'm practically living in the office
I'm sending you a gift though :)

Okay...

Bam :
I'm really sorry, I wish things were different
I promise once I'm done with this nonsense I will make up for it okay?

Okay, I love you

Bam :
Love you too little sis
I've got to go now, my asshole of a boss is calling me
I'll talk to you later, have a nice day 

Yeah, you too. Good luck

Sighing, I disposed of my phone by placing it next to me on the soft mattress. I missed home, missed Bam. I needed my brother when I felt like the world was against me, when I felt lost. I felt lost, confused like I was a safe containing too many things for it to hold. I needed to tell someone and Bam was my best option. How could I though when he was so busy. He barely had time for himself. I wasn't about to drop my problems on top of his. What kind of a sister would that make me?

There was Jennie, the person that was closest to a family I had, but this was something I didn't want to talk to her about. Partly because I didn't want to bother her again, because I started to feel like a nuisance even though she repeatedly told me I wasn't, but I was too scared she just wouldn't say it out loud. And I wasn't willing to risk losing my best friend.

And partly, because I knew exactly what she'd say. To be honest, I didn't need that. I mean, I knew she was right but I also knew I couldn't do as she said. She also knew. But she wanted me to be stronger than this. Being stronger though, wasn't something I was able to do, at least not now. I needed time to grow stronger, to steel myself and build myself up because that was the way my brain was wired. I had to learn that I didn't need anyone to be happy, that I didn't need to hold onto people I was losing hope in, onto people who didn't deserve being held onto.

I knew it was long overdue. I should've had these thoughts, admit it to myself sooner, but it hurt more when I accepted it. It's like the demons that lived in the back of my head where no one, including me, saw them, just found their bodies and got out. Now they were beside me. Laying next to me in the bed. Staring at me in the reflection of the mirror when I got dressed. Sat beside me in class. They were everywhere, reminding me of the things I knew already. But they made sure I wouldn't forget this time.

Sure, it hasn't happened since September and now it was already the beginning of December, but things were different. Well, not really, but they felt different.

Jungkook was on his best behavior for me, he didn't touch a single drink, at least not that I was aware of, in months and I was really happy about that. Maybe threatening to break up with him wasn't the worst idea I ever had. 

The thing was though, that no matter how hard he tried to be better, to please me, it just felt odd. He changed. It wasn't a huge kind of a change you notice right away, but for someone like me, who has known him for four years now, it was blatantly obvious. If someone who didn't know him were to ask me what I meant, I wouldn't be able to tell them. It was just the small things he did. The way he acted around me and around his friends. They were different. And how badly I wanted to know why.