The Love I Never Gave-Maylor

In My Head

Hours Later

"Roger Meddows Taylor?"

I sprinted up towards the doctor, urgent to hear the news of what Roger's current state was.

"Yes?"

The doctor looked down at the floor for a few moments, before turning back up at me again. Eyebrows furrowed upwards, forming lines of worry and eyes shining, tear stricken. Oh, no...this can't be good. Stomach churned and twisted, unable to keep up with all the emotions forming up inside of me.

"Listen...he lost a lot of blood. He went into hypovolemic shock and then into cardiac arrest, we did everything we could to try to bring him back...but he's gone. I'm so sorry about this happening, there's nothing that could be done about it."

They looked me in the eyes before walking away into the distance.

Chest filled up with every dark feeling there was and heart shattered into countless pieces. He was gone. The love of my life, dead...because of me...I couldn't handle it and fell to my knees, weeping my heart out on the ground. I killed him...Breaths sped up, coming out quivered and weak. A huge weight on chest and shoulders, making it impossible to move or breathe. Gasps for air, squeaking out. Body heaved in and out as more droplets of sadness flooded down my face. Nothing was right, everything was wrong. I got up and burst out of the hospital, running back to the scene of the suicide, nothing stopping me. What's that? I picked up a letter resting on the counter and opened it, suicide note, from Roger. Hands trembled on the paper, squeezing and feeling the touch of the last thing Roger had left me. Tears falling down onto the page, spreading their circle of pain on it.

16/9/77

Dear Brian,

This is my goodbye to you and everyone. I didn't want to go through with this, but I had to, I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. Every day was a struggle, pretending that I was fine to everyone, forcing myself to eat, sleep, be happy...

With each day, I broke more than I had the day before, eventually, being shattered and broken inside. Voids of numbness consumed me, and I felt nothing. No emotions, pain, me. Each day I longed for you to come back, the old you. I kept dismissing your actions, thinking that you were having a bad day, knowing that you would never be capable of doing those things in the right state of mind. But the thing is, you never came back. You became something that I didn't recognize and didn't love. Part of me held on, still believing that the real you was buried deep inside this new version of you. I trusted that side and fell in love with someone who wasn't real, a version of you that I created in my head, seeing what wasn't there. I pushed that false reality away, only to be disappointed in the real reality of things. Hope you can find yourself again, I truly believe you are still there and if you do find it, I still love you.

—— Roger

It really was my fault...

How could I have let this happen!?

I shattered him so much to the point that I drove him to take his own life!

What kind of person does that!?

Fury boiled up inside when another idea came in, crashing the previous one down.

I had only one thing to do, tell John the news.