The Love I Never Gave-Maylor

Guilt

Roger's POV

Guilt filled me all day, only growing worse. Everytime Freddie came into my way, it stung more than it did last time. Freddie wasn't himself either, he barely talked to me all day and if he did, it was a little hi or something like that. 

His behavior traced back to me. Me again, my fault. What did I do wrong this time? I'd gotten used to being a failure in life that I couldn't even recognize my own mistakes anymore. Was I too fat? I should've known, I'll never acceptable with all this weight on me, never. Am I too needy? I felt like I was. I'm always bothering John and Freddie, especially him and he got tired of my whiny character, always needing someone to defend me and save me. I was a damsel in distress. 

I had to be better than this, but then again, I couldn't. I was me. A worthless human being who failed in life, how did I expect to be better if this was how I am? Fighting wasn't an option, I was too small and weak for that. Anyone could break me, let alone my inner self, that got shattered worse and worse by the daily. No options except one, deal with it. I had to accept my reality and deal with whatever I was going through by myself, no one to help me and for me to burden them, like I already did to Freddie. 

Those thoughts fogged up my mind and clouded any clear ideas, preventing me from thinking with ease, taking immense strain to think a single thought through it all. None of this helped the fact that I was in the breakroom, where I was expected to eat. I didn't eat anything except have a drink of water and told the others that I lost my appetite thanks to a "sick" feeling I had going on. Good thing they bought it or else another throw up session could've been in the near future and I didn't look forward to it, despite all the nice feelings I got from it at the end of the day. Brian sat next to me, minding his own business, turning his attention to me at one point. What did he want from me now?

"After this shitshows over, you're coming home with me and you're going to please me, got it?"

There were a lot of things I didn't want to do but having to have sex with Brian stood at the top of the list.

"No, I'm not going to do that, not now, not ever."

"Yes, you are."

His swiped his arm onto the couch I sat on and grasped, crushing it beneath his grip. I squirmed in my seat, trying to get away from him before he continued on with this.

"N-no..."

His hands traveled further up my arm, squeezing it, nails digging into my skin.

"No!"

I ripped his arm off of me, pushing him back into his seat, hitting the back of it. The whole room filled with silence. Freddie and John whipped around in my direction, gaping, eyes wide open, staring at Brian then I, Brian and back to me. Mouth opened but no words came out as tears welled up in my eyes, lips quavered, failing to find words. Brian stood up and looked at me with a face of disgust, his eyes said it all.

"Go fuck yourself, you whiny whore! Hope you fucking die!"

He pounded across the room, charging out with wind blowing his jacket up and white knuckled fists growing tighter, steps shaking the ground, hitting it with a heavy thumping sound and he was out. I didn't do anything. I sat there in silence with the others being frozen until a few squeaks came out of my mouth and floods of tears came spilling out of my eyes, body shaking soon after. Breaths came out quivery, desperate for air and gasps leaving me. I couldn't breathe. Lungs became shallower and throat closed in. Through blurs of light circles and swirls, a blob of brunette and black hair came into view. I stood up, wiping the tears off, hand rubbing hard against my face, leaving it hot and burning.

"Are you—"

"Don't even ask, I'm fine, thanks."