The Love I Never Gave-Maylor

Confessions

I lured him out of the restroom once I felt he was stable and safe, walking him down the hallway, holding onto him by the waist in case anything should happen. We walked through the entrance of the recording room and helped Freddie over to one of the couches, setting him down on it, trying my best to be gentle and not accidently hurt him. I went over to his side, never leaving. He looked over and up to me, cracking a smile and an expression that said that he was ready to tell the rest about it. He turned back away and lowered his head, resistant to say anything. I was going to ask and make sure he was fine, but he spoke up at that moment.

"Listen."

With everyone already looking at him, shocked at his appearance, they became even quieter as he wished.

"I..."

Squeaks came out, his voice choking and breaking.

"I...have AIDS."

Everything went silent. No one dared to move an inch. My body froze up, tensing up, trembling at those words. AIDS.

AIDS? No...tears formed in my eyes and I blinked fast, trying to prevent them from falling. Lumps formed up in my throat, croaking and blocking any air to breathe. Breaths choked up, stopping to a complete. He couldn't have this illness. If anyone got it, it meant...a death sentence. There was no cure for it and it only grew worse as time went on, symptoms becoming stronger and the individual, slowly dying. No, I can't lose him!

"Y...you have what?"

My voice cracked, holding back from spilling out all my emotions and in disbelief of what he had said. This couldn't be real, it couldn't be. Deep down I knew this was the truth, but the oblivious side of me refused to believe that such an evil illness would kill and take my friend away from me.

"AIDS."

This was real.

"It's too late, I'm on a death sentence. Nothing worked and I only have about 3-5 months left. That's it, nothing more."

I gave out, everything crashing down inside of me and bawled my eyes out, tear after tear spilling out of me and the lump in my throat screaming out wails. Body shook as I cupped my face, desperately trying to stop myself. Freddie opened his arms up and I ran over to him as if my life depended on it and fell into his arms, giving my everything into it. Arms wrapped around his body, squeezing him into me as hard as I could. This could be the last hug I ever gave him and I couldn't let it be any less than this. Tears pooled up in my eyes, falling into his shoulder, fully drenching it in my sorrows. It couldn't end like this. He hugged me even tighter and his own set of arms embraced my body and a soft voice spoke into my ear.

"I love you, don't ever forget that."

I cried harder into his shoulder, never wanting to let go. Sobs and sniffles from around the room came closer and a new set of arms embraced around Freddie and I, belonging to John. Out of the corner of my eye, Brian walked out of the room like Freddie's health statement meant nothing, to him at least. Blood pumped loud in me and became warm boiling up inside. Bubbling up, forming a heated hatred towards Brian. This is about Freddie, not Brian. The burning inside cooled down before halting to a stop, becoming stable again. Brian didn't matter at the moment, Freddie did, he's the only one who mattered.

John and I pulled away from the hug, caressing Freddie's back and shoulders for support. He turned his head up, eyeing John and I, one to another.

"I know what you're thinking, I need special care just because I'm terminally ill, but please, don't. I'm asking you to not treat me any different than you've done before I told you about this. I'm the same old Freddie, nothing has changed, only the fact that I'm sick, and that's what matters. As long as I'm the same person, everything will be alright."

"Don't worry, you'll always be Freddie and that will never change." 

After Practice

Freddie's POV

It was out. My secret. I'd never done anything that took all of me as much as this. The whole situation, it was about me and I had to deliver. Keeping it inside to myself only hurt me. In fact, even more than the illness ever could. Everytime I laid eyes on my friends, guilt consumed me, creeping into my mind at unwanted times and more times into my spirit, destroying it with it's wrath. AIDS killed me on the physical inside and outside but emotions were the sole type of torture that cut deep into one's spirit and soul, crushing it, taking away pieces of you slowly but surely. 

I knew I had to tell them about it one day but I never would have expected it to be today and in the moment it did, either. Today had been that faithful, yet horrifying day where I could never be looked at the same way again but when everything, all the guilt, weight lifted off my shoulders, leaving me at peace, with myself and everyone I knew. One weight that didn't fall off and never would was the fact that I had AIDS.

That name, boiled up fury inside but also sent shivers down my spine. That was the name of the very things that was killing me and what was going to take my life. That day, I was diagnosed with it. The moment the words AIDS left the doctor's mouth, it was over. My life was over. Tears seeping out, crying under my aviators, ignoring the reflection of the doctors bad news on them, running down my cheeks. Time stopped, surging of pain and regret filled me , crashing down whatever I had left in me. It took everything, my life, future, me. All these coughs, choking up blood into my tissues, burning through my throat in agony. 

Body became skinnier by the day, losing weight and only seeing more bone protruding out from under my skin, fragile, could break at any moment. Weakness coming over me, barely being able to get up from my own bed, not being able to do day to day activities. Despite all of this, I still tried to push it away, out of my life, like it never even happened. Just like that, without a trace. Pretending I was fine all the time, it had been getting to me, how much I've been suffering at the end of my world, that is, until I saw Roger. My problems weren't valid anymore and inferior to Roger's. Taking complete negligence to myself. I sped off my own path and in one to help Roger and not myself. It should've worked out but it didn't. I needed to focus on my health, but I couldn't leave Roger without a support system. There had to be a way, there had to.