I Want It To Be You

Chapter Twenty-four

Kaden

My heart physically aches every time I look at Savannah. It kills me seeing her like this. She's too good, too pure to be put through this shit. If I could get my hands on the motherfucker who did this to her I would kill him, not figuratively, I would fucking kill him.

I'm going to keep her here for a few days until I know for sure that she'll be ok. And because I want to be with here just a little bit longer before I end this for good. I miss her already and she isn't even gone yet. I white knuckle the back of the kitchen chair so hard I'm surprised it doesn't break under the pressure. I feel the little pull inside me telling me that I need a drink, but I stuff it down. Fuck. I can’t get it together for one second. For a while Savannah was holding me together and I led myself to believe I could be good for her. That I could be what she needed. I was wrong, I don't deserve her, and I don't know if there will ever be a man on this fucking planet who does. I know that Savannah is the closest to heaven that I'll get, so I selfishly pulled her back to me every time I needed to let her walk away. I love her, fuck do I love her. She came in with her big brown eyes and sweet innocence and thawed my frozen heart.
I quietly climb the stairs and step into my bedroom to check on her. She's finally went to sleep. I sit down on a chair in the corner and mentally try to prepare myself for what it will be like when she's really gone.

***

It's Saturday and Lexie is coming back to the dorms today. She called and cussed me out for not calling her as soon as it happened. I can't keep stalling. I need to end things completely with Savannah and then numb the pain the only way that I know how. Savannah has tried to talk to me several times, but I just keep telling her when she gets better we’ll talk about us.
We’re both quite all the way to the dorms and when I park, the look she gives me breaks my heart a little further. Her brown eyes are glistening with unshed tears and she’s twisting her hands in her lap. “Kaden… are we… is it over between us?” Her bottom lip trembles as she says the words. Fuck, this hurts.
I run my hand through my hair and drag it back down my face. Time to destroy the only thing that has ever brought me an ounce of peace.

“I’m sorry.” are the only words that I can bring myself to say, but she seems to understand.

Savannah nods and I see the tears start to stream down her face. She brings her hand up and wipes them away before giving me a sad smile. “Thank you for helping me the last few days. I really do appreciate it.” She goes to pull my hoodie she’s wearing off, but I stop her. “Keep it, please.” she must hear the sadness in my voice because for once she doesn’t argue.
“Can I walk you inside?” One last time, I just need one last time.
“I’d like that.” she sniffles.

I get out of the truck and walk around to help her down. She tucks her hair behind her ears and I follow her as she slowly walks to her dorm. We both stay silent because both of our hearts are breaking. When we get to her door she peers up at me. I would give anything to be what she needs, but I’m not. I lean down and kiss her forehead. My eyes are starting to water and I need to get out of here before she sees me breakdown. Savannah wipes at her eyes and clears her throat.  Lexie pulls the door open and takes in our appearances. She gives me a quizzical look before pulling Savannah into a hug. Now that she’s not alone I turn and walk away. Away from the other half of my broken soul.
I drive around for a while before stocking up at the liquor store. It takes a lot to submerge my demons. I can’t drown them because those motherfuckers can swim. Half a bottle of Jim Beam, a blunt, a couple of pills later, and I’m pretty fucking high. Everywhere I look I still see Savannah though. I still see Gage bleeding out while I watch helplessly. I still see the pain on my mother’s face when she had to bury her baby and the pain on my father’s face when she took her last breathe. Fuck, I knew a couple of pills wouldn’t be enough tonight. I grab the bottle off the table and dump out two more in my hand, chasing them down with a shot of liquor. I started the pills after Gage died. The nightmares were bad, so I would stay up for days at a time. Then I found that if I drank enough booze and popped a couple of pills, that sleep would come, and if I was lucky, I could forget for a few hours.
It was hard to hide from Savannah. She always noticed the shift in my mood when I was coming down from a high after trying to stop self-medicating. I became dependent on the alcohol. I craved the numbness that it gave me. I’ve slowly slacked down on the pills since I met Savannah, only taking them when I would try to break things off with her. I always knew what I was doing with the drugs was wrong, but I convinced myself it wasn’t a problem because I wasn’t on them so heavy that I couldn’t function. I could still work, go to school, and I didn’t steal or have to do without to support my bad habit. But when Savannah came into the picture, I couldn’t do that shit around her. But she soon started seeing the after effects of my highs and benders. The mood swings, the anger. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking when I let myself believe I could be better for her. I always find a way to fuck everything good in my life up and Savannah was so fucking good, but this is who I am, and I can’t change the things I’ve done.