I Want It To Be You

Chapter Thirteen

Savannah

When I wake up the next morning Kaden has his arm draped over me and I could lay here for eternity, but I need to use the bathroom and I need to get back to my dorm so I can get ready for work. I gently scoot out of bed and tip toe out of the bedroom.

Once I'm back in the room, I shimmy my jeans on. It's only a little past eight, so I can let Kaden sleep a little while.

I wander downstairs and pour a glass of water. I replay every moment of last night in my head over and over again. I can't believe that after only three weeks, I've let my guard down, the barrier that I had built up and promised not to tear down until I was sure that I wouldn't be hurt. I've put my heart right out in the open, and Kaden could crush it at any time.

When I turn around, Kaden is leaning against the doorway into the kitchen. He's shirtless, and I can't read his blank expression.

"Good morning." I finally say. I don't know what, if anything has changed between us since last night.

"Did you sleep good?" He asks, keeping his eyes on the floor.

"Yea, I did. What about you?"

Kaden just nods. "I'll get dressed and take you back to your dorm." he says as he stares at the floor and then turns to head back upstairs before I can respond.

I had hoped last night would close the distance that always seems to snake its way between us, but it seems I was mistaken.

I don't regret anything. I'm happy Kaden was my first, I always wanted it to be with someone I loved, and even though I've known him less than a month, I know that I do love him.

I walk outside on the porch to get some air. It really is beautiful here. It's so quiet and peaceful. Something on the concrete stepping stones lined in front of the porch catches my eye. Handprints, three sets of them. Each handprint is small, clearly being made by children, one says Melissa, another says Kaden, and the smallest set says Gage. I'm studying Kadens set, imagining him as a child when the sound of the screen door shutting breaks my concentration.

"Are you ready?" Kaden asks. His face sets in a frown when he glances down at the stepping stones.

"Yea, I am." I want to ask him who Melissa and Gage are. Are they his siblings? Cousins? Friends? But I decide to let it go for now. I have much bigger things weighing on my mind, like the fact that I just gave up my virginity to a guy that I'm not even sure likes me.

Kaden is silent as we climb in his truck and he doesn't speak a word as we drive. I had told myself I wasn't going to overanalyze his silence or his behavior, but my anxiety wins and I have to say something as we pull into the campus parking lot "Last night," I start, trying to find the right words. Kaden turns to me, looking almost panicked, waiting for what I'm about to say. "Did I do something wrong? Was it ... Was I not what you wanted?"  I ask, feeling embarrassed.

"What? Of course, it was what I wanted. You were perfect. I already told you that." he says, running his hands through his hair and then leaning his head back against the seat.

"Then why does it feel like there's more distance between us now?" I ask honestly and twist my hands in my lap. This conversation hasn't even started, and I already feel the tears coming.

Kaden closes his eyes briefly. "Last night was great ... It was, like I said, perfect ... But I don't want you to think it changes anything between us." 

And there it is. The cold, crushing truth that I knew was coming, but I just kept pushing it to the back of my mind, hoping that Kaden would change his mind.