Sugar Rush

25- I'm Not Scared. I'm Terrified

25

The ride home was silent. I was tired and I knew so was he but he tried covering it up. We were thirty minutes in our journey back home and only had fifteen minutes left before we would pull over to my house. I was dying to remove my dress and hop in my cotton pajamas and worn out shirt. Not to mention to sleep.

But I had only one thing in my mind right now.

Blake’s hand covered mine, instantly drawing my attention to him. He kept his on the road. He was tapping his fingers on the palm of my hand.

“You’ve been awfully quiet Bethany.” He said keeping his eyes on the road. We were now in the town proper so the roads were not as dark as they were earlier. “Something’s wrong. What is it? Maybe I can help?”

“I don’t know.” I lied, looking out the window. I was well aware of the reason why I was so quiet. A few people were out walking. Most of the building lights were still on and most likely the entire city was out partying. “Maybe I’m just tired.”

“And you wanted to drive, again.” he said in an ‘I told you so’ way with a matching smirk.

“I more alert when I drive.” I rolled my eyes.

He shrugged. “I know. I’m the guy here; I don’t want my girl driving.”

My heart sped up when he said ‘my girl’. What were we now? Still whatever I wanted for us to be? I don’t know anymore and I’m getting more confused.

I didn’t say anything else as my mind wandered off. Blake said nothing too as we drove in silence, but it wasn’t an awkward silence which I was very thankful for.

I played with my thumbs as I thought of what my mom and April said, most likely for the fifth time around. Were they right? Have I become so dependent on him? Have I placed him in the center of my universe? Do I look at Blake like he’s my everything?

No, I didn’t…right? No, I repeated to myself over again. They’re lying. April probably said something to my mom to convince her that being with Blake was bad for me. That’s it! Then it hit me, hard, like a hammer driving a nail in.

Have I let my walls break down? Have my defenses given up and let Blake through without a fight? The numerous years I have spent years making sure it wasn’t going to topple down with a single blow, but right now I was positive that it did. And I was doing nothing to build it back up.

We stopped in front of my house and the sound of Blake cutting the engine off broke me away from my thoughts that had wandered all the way to India.

“Bethany?”

“Yeah?”

“I have to tell you something.” He said. “And right now, I’m sure no one could interrupt us. No one to get your attention, no more stopping. I just need to tell you something.”

“I have something to tell you too.” I said. “But you go first. This has been put off for way too long, even for me.”

He nodded and sighed, running his hand through his hair. I could see his fingers shaking as he gripped the wheel, turning his knuckles white. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it anyway in hesitation.

“Bethany…” he started. “I like you.”

I furrowed my brows in confusion. “I like you too.”

“No, not like that.” He shook his head. “I mean I literally like you….more than as friends.”

The pace of my heartbeat picked up and now it was beating so fast I was sure my chest was going to explode any time soon. Did he just confess? What was I supposed to say? My hands are shaking, my knees are trembling so bad. I was panicking.