STORY OF THE CHUBBY

STORY OF THE CHUBBY 10

‘How come you don’ ‘ave a boyfwend, Gwace?’

I turned my head up to face my sister so fast that I winced when I felt a crick in my neck. ‘What?’ I’m not sure I heard her correctly.

It was around 11 in the morning and I was sitting on Alex’s bed with her, after painting her nails this electric blue colour that she’d bought in New York, her playlist playing softly on shuffle. I was currently painting my left hand the same colour because I liked it.

She rolled her eyes not taking her eyes away from her nails, ‘I think you heard me the first time.’

I return to paint my nails, shrugging, ‘I don’t know.’

‘You do!’

I sigh and close the bottle of nail vanish before turning to look at her. Alex had asked me about this many times but all those times were her just teasing me. This was different. She looked serious.

‘Where’s this coming from Alex,’ I asked carefully watching her facial expressions.

She sighed before looking at me, ‘I was thinkin’…You’re an amaz’n bea’iful girl. I don’ ev’n know why I never noticed this,’ she adds almost to herself. ‘Any guy wou’d be lucky, vewy lucky, to ‘ave you.’

‘I don’t need a boyfriend, Alex.’

‘Maybe not,’ she says, inspecting her nails, ‘Buh you need someone who cares for you, if not luv you.’

‘I have you! That’s enough!’ I said, not really getting why she was suddenly so insistent on this.

‘I won’t be ‘ere for long, Gwace,’ she said quietly but meeting my gaze squarely.

I looked at her, shocked. Hell, shock doesn’t even begin to describe it. So that’s what it about. We never really talked about ‘when she goes’ and her being so frank about this took me a bit by surprise. I swallowed the small lump that was threatening to form.

‘I know you guys think tha’ since I’m like this I don’ really get what happens or can’t comprehend stuff…buh I know Mum an’ Dad don’ really give you so much attention or affection…An’ I’m sowy abou’ tha’. I know it’s because of me- and don’t twy to cut me off-‘ she adds when I open my mouth to protest. ‘I’m your big sister, Gwace and I’m sowy I ‘aven’t been doin’ such a gweat job at it. An’ for some reason you’re still the most selfless pers’n an’ you love me an’ you do all you can to mek me happy…’ she trails off a bit as her voice cracks at the end. She was talking slowly and it seemed to take a lot for her to talk.

‘Al-‘

‘I’m not done.’ She said, ‘I don’ ev’n know why I didn’ no’ice this before…Maybe it’s because I was bwinded by my own fears. I convinced myse’f tha’ I needed this since I’d be gone and you’ll have it all aft’wards. Stupid right…?’She paused to catch her breath and I shook my head.

‘You’re wrong, Alex. You’re the best sister ever and I wouldn’t trade you for anything!’

‘I know,’ she said, grabbing my hands in her small pale ones, ‘I know…but wha’ I’m sayin’ is tha’…if I go, you’ll go wi’me because your whole life’s awound me. Deny it, Gwace,’ she challenged. I open my mouth to say something but she cuts me off. ‘I know you kinda don’t have a choice and again I’m sorry but if you did have a choice, you’d still be stuck with me.’

I don’t say anything. It’s true.

She sighs. She’s tired and I see it. She never talks so much because it takes up a lot of her breath. But I can’t stop her. She won’t listen to me and for the first time in a long time, I actually feel my age, if you understand what I’m saying. I feel like the younger one.