Afraid | Nikki Sixx

53.

Carly's POV

Months have flown by of us being on the road. Nikki and I have not made up since the blow up I had months prior. We hardly even look at each other, I don't know about him, but it's tearing me apart. I don't even think we're together anymore. He doesn't seem to even care about me. I miss him so much that it feels like my heart is breaking.

Concerts are mixing together, most of the time I don't even remember what state or city we're in because of the mix of blow, pills and alcohol. It's all I do now, it's the only comfort I feel anymore. Nikki isn't even really here. I'm always going to the extreme every single night, I try to go even further than I did the night before. My anorexia hasn't gotten any better, last time I weighed myself, I weighed 87lbs. If I go any lower, I know I'll end up in the hospital again, but I can't get myself to eat. My self harm has creeped back into my life and I've been doing it in places that the boys can't see.

I feel pathetic because this is all over not being loved by a guy anymore. But, he's all I had. I don't have much going for me in my life and Nikki brought so much light into it. I'm also afraid that when he just up and leaves me, the rest of the boys will leave and then I'll really have nothing to live for. They made my life so much better, they brought so much excitement and light into my life and I have a feeling that it's close to being taken away from me.

But, enough dwelling. Today is the 31st of October which means, Halloween. Tommy and Vince convinced me to dress up with them and hit some bars, they also convinced me on being a "sexy" devil. I was just going to be something normal, but they were adamant on getting me to dress up as something sexy.

So, here I am. Standing in the bathroom of our hotel room in a tight leather hot red crop top that has long sleeves, and leather hot red bikini bottoms with black fishnet tights underneath, knee high leather hot red leather boots and a headband with the devil horns on it. My makeup is already done along with my hair. I decided to switch things up and curl my hair. I have dramatic winged eyeliner and dark red lipstick on, along with my regular face makeup.

I breathed out and stepped out of the bathroom. Vince and Tommy looked over. "Damn, Carls!" Tommy hollered. I laughed. "Shut up, I just want this night over with." I replied. Nikki glanced up from the book he's reading on the bed, he shook his head and returned to it. "Why're you shaking your head?" I asked Nikki, quietly. "Uh, nuthin'." He replied, not looking up from his book. "No, say what you want to say, it's a miracle that you even gave me a glance." I said, walking over to the bed.

He put a bookmark in and shut the book then looked back up at me. He skimmed me up and down. "You look like a prostitute." He said. "Especially now that you're so skinny, the weight made you look good, you don't look like anything now." He said. Okay, ouch. I dry swallowed. "T-That's what you say to me after months of not talk to me?" I said, the hurt being clear in my voice. He shrugged. "Well, it's all true." He said, beginning to return to his book. "You looked a lot better before you let heroin control your life. You look like a junkie." I replied, taking the same tone as him. He froze and put his book down.

"I do not look like a junkie," he said, lowly. "Oh, my apologies. You are a junkie, is what I meant to say." I said. He looked up and stood from the bed. "I'm not a fucking junkie." He said. I laughed. "Oh, yeah. You're just having fun, my bad. I didn't know fun meant making you look like you already have your foot in the grave." I said. I could tell that I was making him mad, but at this point I don't care anymore. "Shut up, Carly." He said, his fists clenched. "You're the one who said something first," I said and turned on my heel to walk out.

"I wonder what your Dad would say if he saw you like this," I heard him say. This time, I froze. I slowly turned around. "What the fuck did you say?" I asked. He had a shit eating grin on his face knowing he struck a nerve. "I bet he'd have a hell of a lot to say if he saw you like that and to top that off, you're with two other men." He said. "Don't talk about my Dad," I replied. "Do you think he'd be proud of you?" He asked. I felt tears brim my eyes. "I don't know, why don't you call up your Father and ask him the same question?" I said, bitterly. He went quiet.

"Shut the fuck up." He finally said. "Do you think he'd love to see his son almost dead?" I asked. "I said, shut the fuck up." He said, angrily. I walked over to him. "Do you think he'd be proud that his son is a junkie? Or would he not even bother to even remember who you are?" I asked, looking up at him. I know what I was saying was crossing the line, but he crossed it first and I'm fed up. "Carly, I'm telling you now, shut up." He said, walking away from me. "You know? You're starting to act like a real asshole, just like your Father." He said, I felt my blood boil. "I know where you get it from." He added on.

"You're a real prick, you know that.. Frank?" I said, putting emphasis on that name. What happened next was all a blur. The only things I remember are Nikki turning around quickly and charging over towards me, I remember feeling a sharp pain in my right eye and hitting the ground.

I finally snapped out of my state of shock and looked up. Tommy and Vince pushed Nikki back and are yelling at him. My thoughts finally unscrambled and I realized that Nikki had hit me. The man I love laid his hands on me. I felt hot tears run down my face. I shakily got to my feet and gently touched the area around my eye, it's throbbing and just touching it sends shocks of pain all throughout. I looked at Nikki who was already looking at me. For a second, I thought I could see worry in his eyes, for a second, I thought I saw the old Nikki but, it soon returned to the zombie of a person who has replaced him.

The yelling died down when Tommy and Vince saw me standing again. "I'm leaving," I said, quietly. "I'm leaving this hotel, this tour, this relationship." I said, looking directly at Nikki. He seemed shock when I saw the last two words. "I'm going back to your house, if everything works out, I'll be out of there before you come home again. I'm going to find a place and as soon as I do, you'll never fucking see me ever again." I said, tears still streaming down my face.

I turned and grabbed my jacket from the chair next to me and wrapped it around my body and walked out the door. I slammed it shut and made my way to the tour bus. Once I got there, I got dressed in sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt. I took the leather jacket of Nikki's I had and put it in his bunk, I put the ring has gave me on his pillow. I called myself a taxi and I was already on my way to the airport with all of my belongings. I kept touching the area where the ring he gave me was, I miss him already. But, I know I can't do this anymore.

(a/n: aw shit, smh. thank you so much for reading. i hope you enjoyed. please vote, it's greatly appreciated. feedback is always welcome. okay bye👻)