Afraid | Nikki Sixx

36.

Carly's POV

Weeks have passed since the incident. Nikki and I haven't said one word to each other and I'm slowly going insane. The withdrawal and urges have subsided and I'm just left with feeling depressed. I've been told that after you experience a high like that, it takes a while for your brains chemical balance to go back to normal. Especially with something as hardcore as heroin. The track marks on my arm have faded a lot, but they're not completely gone. I'm sure they won't be for a while. Every time I think about forgiving Nikki, I look down at my arm and get angry all over again.

I know I'm the one who asked, (supposedly) but I still wasn't in the right state of mind to agree to something like that, I felt betrayed and angry. He shouldn't have done something like that to me. I missed him so much that it feels like my heart is aching. I've never had anyone permanent in my life and I thought that finally Nikki would be that person who would be, he stopped trying to talk to me so, I assume he's done with me. Tommy is so close to Nikki that he stopped talking to me, too. Vince is the only person who talks to me. Mick is always quiet, so it's not that much different from him.

I haven't left my bunk or the back room, I haven't gone to their shows, I stopped going backstage with them. I just stay in the tour bus, even when they have a hotel room, I just prefer to be alone right now. Drinking has become one of the things that I consistently do, I get drunk every night and pass out. It's all I'm used to anymore, Nikki isn't here anymore. He's here, but not really. He's not here with me anymore, I guess this is a breakup?

Just the thought of us breaking up brought tears to my eyes, tears came streaming down my face, I looked down and the tears hit my lap. I felt my few tears turn to sobs, although what Nikki did wasn't okay, he made an honest mistake and not talking to him and isolating myself isn't helping. I miss him, it's been almost a month without talking, touching, even looking at each other. It's slowly killing me.

I got up from my spot on the couch in the tourbus and slipped my shoes on and Nikki's leather jacket from the floor and started to walk to the hotel Vince said they were staying at. I quickly got Nikki's room number from their manager and went on my way. I'm hoping and praying to every single God out there that he's in there, I'm not even religious, I'm just desperate at this point.

I stepped into the elevator and pressed the 3rd floor. The doors shut and I was slowly making my way up to his floor. When the doors opened, I quickly walked to the room. I stopped when I saw the door to the room he's in. I felt my heart racing, my hands shook as I gently knocked on the door. As I heard the footsteps approaching, the anxiety in me built even more with each footstep.

The door opened up to reveal a disheveled Nikki, I haven't gotten a good look at him in almost a month, he's sickly looking. His green eyes don't seem to shine like they once did, his eyes have dark circles around them, his cheekbones are more prominent and his clothes are hanging off of him. "Carly?" He seemed shocked to see me standing there. "May I come in?" I asked. He moved and let me walk inside.

I made my way inside and he shut the door and followed me. I turned around. "What are you doing here?" He asked. "I miss you." I said, getting straight to the point. He seemed surprised. "Carly, you haven't even looked at me in almost a month." His words were quiet, I could tell he was really hurt. "I know, I was angry." I said. "I was mad about what happened that night, I couldn't stand to look at you," I said, Nikki's face turned to a pained expression when I mentioned the night. "I'm so sorry about that, I've gone through withdrawals before, I know how much hell it is, but no withdrawal I ever went through hurt as much as seeing you go through it." He said, his voice cracking. "Especially since I was the one who caused it." He added on.

"It was my decision–" "Yeah and I encouraged it and shot you up." He cut me off. "I fucked up big time, I hurt the only person I've ever loved." He said. "Nikki.." I said, sadly. "I deserved the silent treatment. I deserved to feel like shit for that month, I deserved–" "Nikki, please stop," I cut him off, my words gentle. I walked up to him and touched his arms, the first time I've touched him in almost a month. I looked up at his dull green eyes. "I forgive you." I simply said. "I thought we broke up, I couldn't handle that thought." I said, my voice breaking on the last word, tears filling my eyes. "I didn't want to lose you." I said, the tears spilling down my cheeks.

His arms wrapped around me, for the first time in a while, I felt safe and whole. I wrapped my arms around him, he pulled me closer to him and held me as if he was trying to keep me from running away. "You're not ever going to lose me, Carly Beth." He said, I felt more tears run down my face when he finally said my first and middle name again. "I missed you," I cried. "I missed you." He replied. We stayed like that, holding each other for a while, neither one of us trying to break away. We both missed each other the same amount, I know he felt the same way I did. "Being away from you like that.." Nikki trailed off. "It felt like part of me left." He finished.

I leaned back, finally breaking our embrace. I cupped his face with my hands and stood up my tippy toes, our lips connected and he quickly kissed back, his arms wrapped around my waist and my hands moved from his face to around his neck, my arms resting on his shoulders. He deepened the kiss and our lips seemed to move in sync, we weren't making out like we normally did, this time it was full of passion and I never wanted it to end.

We finally broke the kiss, but our faces didn't move away from each other, our foreheads still touching. "I'm never going to do something stupid like that ever again. I can't ever risk losing you." He said, looking me in the eyes. "You'll never, ever lose me." I replied, leaning in and kissing him again.

(a/n: thank you so much for reading! i hope you enjoyed! please vote, it's greatly appreciated. feedback is always welcome! okay, bye👻)