// muke one-shots //

dear luke

Dear Luke,

July 23rd,

All I remember from that night is I took a bottle of pills that I had found in the cabinet and swallowed them all sitting on the bathroom floor while you and the boys were out. I remember trying to write a note to tell everyone why I was leaving but all the pills made me so dizzy and sick, I had to lay down. I remember closing my eyes and humming your favourite song before everything went completely quiet and dark and it stayed that way. I thought I had died, I thought I had finally been put out of my misery. I thought I could finally be happy. I wouldn't be missed and I wouldn't miss anyone, except for you. You were always the exception Luke, always.

Then before I knew it, my eyes opened and I saw a bright white light. At first I thought I was in some sort of heaven, even though I don't believe in any gods I thought maybe since my life was so shitty, someone decided maybe I deserved something nice and I would be welcomed to a new happy life. But I realized I was wrong when I heard an extremely squeaky and annoying voice say "he's awake!" and it was then that I realized I was stuck in this hell that was otherwise known as earth.

I was told I attempted suicide and it hadn't worked. which I already knew, obviously. I wasn't told who found me all I know is I was taken to this hospital and I'm stuck here for a few days so I don't try and do it again. Which is dumb, why would anyone think putting me in this place would make me want to stay alive? The nurse (the one with the annoying voice) didn't really say much else to me, she just gave me an old looking notebook and told me 'writing helps', it took everything I had in me not to shout and cry. I just wanted to be dead. I didn't want to be in this fucking place.

Anyways, I'm writing to you because I'm hopelessly in love with you, it took me awhile to come to terms with that but I have and I've also realized you'll never see me as anything more than just a friend. Which really hurts, but I can't do anything about it so I did the only other thing I could think of that would stop everything from hurting. Which didn't work, so maybe I'm supposed to feel like shit all the time. maybe I was destined to feel like a useless human being that nobody could love, everyday. I'm also writing because I need something to distract me from this hospital. This place is creepy as hell, I know you'd hate it too. There's no windows or any colours. everything is white. It feels like jail. Don't these people want me to happy? Well I feel anything but that. In fact I feel sick right now and I really just want to talk to you and look into your blue eyes that remind me of the ocean. Maybe when I'm out, I'll give this journal to you. But for now, I'm going to sleep. I don't think I can handle being awake in this place much longer. I'll write tomorrow since there isn't much else to do and you're always on my mind.

Dear Luke,

July 24th,

I slept for half of the day today, which is good I guess. I'm hoping you, Ash or Cal come visit me today. I really need to see someone other than this  blonde nurse who keeps giving me this weird look. I think she hates me. I really just want to see you Luke, you're the only thing that's going to keep me from trying to kill myself again. Even though you were kind of the reason in the first time, maybe now it'll be different. maybe when you read this, you'll admit you love me too. which I doubt. I don't think anyone could love me, but I've got to think positive or I'll go insane. I probably seem insane, don't I? 

I don't really know what to write about, I can't write about my day because nothing happened. I've literally just been sitting all day. maybe I should explain to you why I wanted to die, since I never finished that letter I left in the bathroom. Well, basically I've always hated myself, (I think you knew that though. You always complimented me more than the other guys.)  Since middle school. I was always the awkward, out of place guy. no one liked me. Now, even though we have tons of fans.. I still feel like that. I feel unwanted and unneeded, you guys don't really need me. You know that too. It also sucks being in love with someone who will never even consider me as anything more than a friend. I could go on and on about my sob story but I won't. I don't want to bore you to death.