Thoughts and Constellations

Monday, April 16

I don't know where to start.

The only way I can think to explain how I feel is having her read my journals and stories. I can't do that.

Everyone would react differently to the stories I used to write.

I bare my soul by writing stories like that.

I feel like I lost what made me happy and maybe that's the reason I feel like this.

Maybe the reason I am looking for someone is so I can have something that makes me happy.

I can't seem to find a best friend so I'll find a boyfriend who will be my new best friend.

I want someone I can trust.

Everyone I trust ends up hurting me and replacing me.

I feel so broken after everything that has happened.

Everett hates me. Nora is my frenemy.

West left our group for Aspen.

Ember has people falling left and right for her and she doesn't care.

Amelia and Layla are complaining about prom.

I just feel like no one cares.

It's like everyone is a movie and I'm in the theater watching.

I like to think I'm more than that but it doesn't seem like it.

I just don't believe what people say because I am always let down when it comes down to it.

Confessions and Confrontations

I'm mad at so many people. It's unhealthy. I hold so many grudges and sometimes I don't think I know that I'm doing it. At the end of the day it all comes back to me and my problems. I could be mad for so much longer but maybe it's time to move on...It just seems easier to be mad then try to forgive.

'I am mad at Riley because I got a C on my science final. I did so much work and she had an easy job and she didn't do it. All she had to do was draw the pictures and make it look pretty and do the graphs but the morning of the final she shows up with like 3 pictures not done?! I din't even have time to help her with the graphs she had not done. (Which we were taught in class) It just pissed me off because her part was easy and she still didn't do it. I worked really hard to do good on my finals and she ruined that.'

'I am mad at you because you made me fall for you and you just let it happen. It was supposed to be a joke yet I still think back to the football game at what happened and think about how I missed out on the perfect time to tell you. I hate myself for falling for the words Nora told me and letting myself think we could ever be more than just friends. Worst of all I hate myself for letting you in and opening up to you because you would listen. I should have known this would happen if I got involved. You are always at the center of the drama and I should have known that I would get roped into it at some point. I can't help but thin kit was my feelings that caused the drama in the first place but still, I do not regret ratting you out and letting her know who you really are. I forgive you but most of all I forgive myself for letting it get this far.'

'I want to say sorry to you because you were new in 7th grade and I ignored you when my mom introduced us. I can't help but think we could have been really good friends if I was more willing to open up. Maybe I'm wrong and you would have turned out the same as you are now but I still wonder what could have been if I was nicer to you back then. So I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you when we first met.'

'I want to say sorry for what I wrote earlier. I was mad and confused and needed someone to blame. I'd never want to hurt you and it just seems like you never want to hear the full story. Maybe you're right about me running away and maybe it will be more clear to me once I read your side of the story but I just get hurt sometimes because you assume that I'm clueless when it comes to the people at my school. Deep down I know the reasons I want to go to a different school and that's all that matters? Isn't it? The people at this school just seem to not care about anything. Not a single person I try to get to know cares about me. I try. I try to get to know people in my grade but they are assholes. Everything I care about or that makes me happy gets stomped on or declared stupid or trash. It's the little things that get to me. I can't take compliments from the people who used to be mean to me only 3 years earlier. It took me years to get where I was at the beginning of the year. I want to go to a new school and find friends that I will have until graduation, not off and on, people who like me because I'm a good listener. So yes, maybe it was stupid for me to start with "I can dye my hair" as an argument. But I still have my reasons for wanting to be a new student again. I'm sorry if I ever hurt your feelings and I hope you can forgive me but I also hope this helps because I haven't been the most open with you lately and I'm sorry about that.'