Have you ever just thought how life would be if you date an idol?
The heartbreaking fights, the deep conversations, the sweet kisses, the best hugs, the delicious moments you wanna remember forever...
Try reading this and you'll know what the feelin...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Everything became overwhelming so quickly. Too quickly for your liking. You kept telling yourself how it was only a bad day but it turns into weeks and months and soon, you find yourself losing your grip onto everything; your studies, your family, your financial stability and even Taehyung. You closed your eyes as smoke escaped your lips. It was some kind of relief to have the cigarettes back in your life again. To be able to hurt yourself again in ways that you thought you stopped. It was one of your guilty pleasures that even Taehyung didn't know. You knew he wouldn't judge you, or love you less, you know he'd understand. Or maybe that's what you thought.
You stared at the lit cigarette dangling between your fingers. You didn't know how it got this bad again. Maybe it was the stress, the pain you kept hidden for so long, the pressure... It was a snowball effect. Little by little every bad thing just kept getting bigger and worse. There was so much to be done but so little time. You were known to be one of the student listed in the Dean's list. It was a big deal, to you, to your family, to everyone who looked up to you. You were well aware of how people often turn to you when something goes wrong, when they need help and you were more than willing to help.
But god... If they ever see you where you are now, with the cigarettes, the fresh cuts on your arms... They'd know just how fucked up you are all inside. You took a deep breath as you put the cigarette out and looked at the reflection in the bathroom mirror. Everything was going shit and you couldn't even do a thing about it. You walked out of the bathroom and made your way to the dance studio where the others were practicing.
When you walked into the room, Fake Love was playing but the boys were all sprawled out on the floor. Jung Kook was still practicing but stopped when he saw you walked in. You watched as his eyebrows furrowed as his nose twitched. You raised your eyebrows at him,
"Noona, you good?" he asked as he approached you.
"Yeah...? Why, do I look that bad?" you chuckled but the serious look on his face made you speechless.
"No, but you smell like... awful," he trailed off and it sent an alarm ringing in your head.
Your eyes widen and muttered a curse under your breath. You forgot to get rid of the cigarette smell. Jung Kook eyed you, and you knew that he knew exactly what that smell is. But as your mouth opened to say something, Taehyung's voice echoed throughout the studio,
"Yah, Jeon Jung Kook, how many times do I have to tell you to keep your distance with my girl?" he grumbled, causing the maknae to back away, his eyes never leaving yours.
"Tae? I have to go; I-I'll see you when you get home..." You quickly grabbed your bag by the door and backed away towards the exit.
This caused Taehyung to sit up and looked at you. The moment he stood up, you rushed out the door, not wanting him to smell the stench of cheap cigarettes on you. It was enough that you hated yourself, you couldn't bear with the thought of Taehyung hating you. You know that Jung Kook would eventually tell him. You just knew and all you wanted to do right now was to get away from everything and everyone.
There was a million things going through your mind. The assignments that were piling up, the upcoming exams, and Tae... you felt tears sliding down your cheeks as you lean your head back against the bathtub. You're so messed up and you wouldn't even be surprised if Tae comes back and yell at you. But for now, you just want to disappear for a while. You took the last drag of your cigarette before plummeting your head under the water. Yu didn't know how long you spent in the tub. But you could feel yourself feeling more numb as the minutes pass by. Everything was too much and you didn't want to face all of this anymore. You just ̶
BANG!
You sat up in the bathtub as oxygen rushed into your lungs, causing you to choke and your sight adjusted to a figure standing by the bathroom door. As cough shook your body, your hand instinctively wrapped around your body as you try to regain yourself.
"Y/N-ah....?"
The lump in your throat seem to tighten around your vocal chords as the pain becomes more prominent, soon enough, tears were rushing down your face and warmth seems to engulf your whole body. Tae... He was wrapping a towel around your body and led you to the bedroom. As you sat on the bed, water dripping down from your hair, he switched on the lights, causing your eyes to squint as you look up at him. His caramel brown hair was damp from the rain pattering against your window, his eyes were filled with pain and concern, his lips set in a straight line as he stood there, looking at you. Judging you. Your gaze returned to the floor. His steps thump against the floor and then, he was kneeling in front of you, with your bag in his hand. Tears started to well up in your eyes.
"Please, don't Tae..." you pleaded as you put your face in your hands.
You could hear him rummaging through your bag. A frustrated sigh left his lips and the sound of the contents of your bag fell on the floor caused you to look up. There it was, the Red Marlboro cigarette box and your anti-depressants staring right back at you as if it was taunting you. Tae Hyung froze for a moment.
"I was hoping he was wrong..." he quietly said, disappointment laced his voice.
A chuckle left his lips, one that's filled with disappointment and anger. He stood up so abruptly and ran his finger through his hair. You watched as he turns away from you and took a deep, shaky breath. It was breaking him, how you were damaging yourself was tearing him to pieces. He turned to face you, eyes filled with held back tears,
"Why don't you ever open up to me. Y/N-ah? You think bottling things up and doing these things will help you? No wonder this fucking house smells like cigarettes all the damn time... How could you not tell me it's this bad? Is it because I'm never her ̶ "
"No! Tae, it's not like that, trust me... It's... I swear, it's not your fault... I just, I'm used to dealing with it like this, okay? So, please, just don't worry..."
"Don't worry? You're asking me to not care when you're ruining yourself like this?! With smoking and taking pills?! Don't fucking worry when you're my whole life? I fucking love you and you, hurting yourself like this? It kills me... Y/N... it kills me..."
Maybe it was the choice of words he made, or the tears in his eyes or the pain in his voice that completely snapped you. You were the one causing pain to him. When you though it'll never affect him or maybe he'd understand, you were dead wrong. You could feel the self-loathing rising up your throat, causing tears to your eyes. Everything felt too much, there was just too much things going on and the pain is becoming increasingly unbearable. You were somewhat dragging him down and you only wanted the best for him.
"I... I understand... Tae, I'm too fucked up, okay...? I never meant for any of this to get out of control and it got too much... I never meant to hurt you in any way possible a-and I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry and I hate myself for it... You don't need this in your life, you don't deserve this mess..." Your voice keeps on breaking due to the weight in your heart in uttering every single word to him.
"I'm tired... I'm tired of loving someone who can't even bring herself to trust me. I'm fucking tired of you pushing me away every single time I try to love you. I can't keep convincing myself that you love me if you keep hurting me like this, it's...I've had enough..." He gave up, looking at you with tears rolling down his cheeks as he walked towards the door. His hand grasped the doorknob and pulled the door open but stopped as he took one last look at you.
There you were; cheeks flushed, eyes red and lips quivering as your heart begged him to stay.
"You win... I'm done."
The door slammed shut and you could feel every broken pieces of your heart fell shattered to the floor. No matter how hard he loved you, you were always left to deal with the pain alone. Always.
p.s. Sorry I've been inactive for a while but I'm picking up writing again so tell me what do you think of this story and if you want a part 2?
