Shattered Heart

Part 40 ~ I Still Remember

~ Jordyn's point of view ~

I'm laying in this hospital bed, hating myself that I didn't make it.

I wanted to end my life but it didn't work. Mom ruined it. She found me just in time and brought me to the hospital. Why did she have to find me?

I am not willing to keep living this painful life. I have no desire to keep this life going without him by my side. When I heard the news, I crashed. I felt my insides shrinking to nothing.

Keisha is pregnant . . and Michael is the father.

Why?

Why does it all have to get worse and worse?

This is so fucked up.

Three months ago Michael randomly decided to wake up and never talk to me again. He may have had a reason to be mad at me at that time but he never bothered to really talk to me why we never got any closer anymore. No words. . we just continued to be friends and that was that.

Even though it hurt me, I was ok with it. I mean, at least I had him as a friend, right? . . WRONG. I couldn't deal with it . . . I got stronger a little, but it still wasn't enough to live with the guilt of hurting Michael to the point where he decided to keep a distance.

He just pretty much left me alone . . he left and friend-zoned me . . like, like our kisses and hugs and intimate moments together never meant shit to him.

What hurts the most is how he made it look so easy.

Why?

I thought I meant something to him?

I was ready to build up the courage . . I was ready to ask him out and start things up with him again . . but all that crashed down and turned into dust when I found out that Michael got Keisha pregnant.

When I first heard it I looked at my scar instantly and knew right then and there that I had to hurt myself again. I felt the sudden urge to put a knife to my skin . . but it wasn't a knife this time . . I chose to use a razor blade . . they're much sharper.

My heart is burning from all the sadness I'm feeling. The mere thought of Keisha being pregnant with Michael's babe rips me apart and crushes my soul. I loved him more than she ever did. She doesn't deserve to be pregnant with his baby . . she doesn't DESERVE IT!

She cheated on him when they were together!

She doesn't even deserve to have him as a friend!

I regret not having sex with Michael when we were laying in bed together that one day . . I should've let him take things a step further . . I should've slept with him! . . maybe then I would be the one pregnant . . and not her.

I deserve Michael's love so much more than she does. I love him from the heart . . and she doesn't. I love him more than anyone else on this planet. I look at the thick band-aid they put around my wrist. I lost so much blood . . I was dizzy and about to pass out.

I didn't mind the pain I was feeling when I cut myself . . the pain I'm feeling now, thinking about Michael and Keisha, hurts so much more.

Mom left an hour ago . . she will come back tomorrow morning to pick me up. That's if they let me go home. The doctor said I cut myself really deep . . I will probably have to stay for a little longer.

Why couldn't I just have died?

My eyes fill up with tears and I start crying. It's hard to breathe when you're feeling all chocked up. I decide to close my eyes and rest for a little bit, it's not like I have anyone to talk to. Maybe God will take me with him after all . . that I hope.